To leave DH after/before Disneyworld holiday?

[Greenstorybook]

I want to leave DH. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but practicalities and not having the b*lls to make the change have kept me.

We have a family holiday to Disney, Florida booked for May. This will be the second time taking DC there and I’m desperate to be able to take them for a second time; they would also love to go back and talk about wanting to go again frequently. DC currently don’t know this holiday is booked or that there was any possibility of going for a second time.

We had mutually agreed to this holiday when things were better between DH and I than they are now. My plan was to have one last family holiday, take DC to somewhere that i would unlikely be able to afford to do on my own, and then allow our relationship to naturally reach the end when we got back.

However, I’m so unhappy right now and I’m struggling to even be happy in front of my children. I feel that realistically my children would most benefit from my happiness than a holiday to Disney. Therefore I feel that I should consider leaving now and cancelling the holiday?

I do worry that actually the holiday would end up being awful as DH and I aren’t always on the best terms but could hide it from DC to some extent. But will it end with sour memories for myself, when really it should be a holiday that leaves positive memories?

on the flip side, I’ve lived with this sadness and wanting to leave for so long now that I think “what’s an extra few months for the sake of being able to take my children to Disney?” - somewhere where they really want to go to again and I probably wouldn’t be able to afford to do as a single parent. They’re only young once and I want them to have the experience again.

What do I do?
Do i put my own happiness first and risk never being able to take them to Disney again?
Or, do I suck it up as I’ve lived feeling this miserable for so long, carry on feeling this way for a short while longer so that DC can have one last amazing experience?

They're about to be tortured regardless so why would a trip to Butlins make it worse for them.

Tortured?

Emotionally

No, it is not acceptable to suggest that divorce is inflicting emotional torture on children, or that OP must be somehow depressed and not simply unhappy in her marriage.

Believe me I've witnessed the effects on many children which can last a lifetime. I'ts not a decision to be taken lightly & without serious endeavour to address the issues. This obviously doesn't include mental & physical abuse where divorce is a necessity for all concerned.

There is no evidence that OP is taking anything lightly. She clearly explains she's been wanting to end the marriage for years.

I wish my parents had divorced 10 years earlier than they did, when I was a child. Unfortunately they listened to idiot relatives who encouraged them to stay miserably together at all costs, and this caused lifetime Ill effects on myself and siblings.

This is sad & happens too. It does sound though that they didn't try to make the marriage work if you felt like this. The point I'm making is couples who go through 'phases' of unhappiness for no real reason such as affairs or abuse can often work it out between them or with outside help.There can be so many reasons,busy lives,no time for each other, no social life, lack of money,exhausted with raising children & working etc leading to arguments,discontent & lack of intimacy. Divorce may be the answer in many cases but is it the only answer in those situations,absolutely not.

I was 9 when I went to Disney, it was great but the whole holiday was tarred by my dads tantrum on the way out, and his threats to leave and go home (with my just turned 13 year old sister begging him to stay…) we all still enjoyed ourselves and I have some happy memories but I remember his outburst and my sister’s very understandable reaction much better than I’d like.

I don’t think it’s possible to really advise you without knowing many more details but arguments, tension and upset on holiday won’t make it the magical experience you’re hoping for, when you promise ‘Disney’ and when you spend all that money.

Divorce need not be emotional torture ffs.

@Thoughtsonallsorts

divorce isn’t “torture” for kids. Hth.

Of course it's not but it undoubtedly is for some,especially if it's continuously acrimonious throughout a child's life. How can that not affect them?

@Thoughtsonallsorts

most divorces aren’t like that though. Divorce is better for kids than living with two parents who are really unhappy - and in some instances toxic - with each other.

Totally agree as long as it's without continuous acrimony throughout a child's life. If marrital issues can't be solved then of course divorce is the way forward.

Agreed prh47bridge
It wouldn’t hurt Greenstorybook to talk to a professional person, would it?

I regret not knowing I was suffering from depression, many years ago, causing a knock on effect that shouldn’t have happened.

For god's sake put your kids first! They didn't ask you be in this world you took a responsibility to care for them when you gave birth to them. Just find a way to muddle through until they are adults. The grass is not always greener you know.

Honestly I’m f you’re not happy then I’d cancel. I think it would just be a miserable holiday for you and probably DH f you’re really not getting on at all. I’d there any way you may reconcile the relationship do you think?

If DC don’t know that you’ve booked it anyway then they won’t miss out and whether or not you take them to Disney isn’t a measure on how happy their childhood will be.

I completely disagree. If someone doesn't want to stay in a relationship, they shouldn't. All that staying in those circumstances does is make one or more parent unhappy, there will probably be resentment and there is also likely to be bickering and arguments - kids aren't stupid, they'll pick up on that and not be happy themselves. It doesn't show the children what a positive loving relationship looks like and I think it could do more harm than splitting amicably and co-parenting. (If there's abuse, then even more so)

Definitely cancel £8 to 9k can go along way setting up a new place. Does DH know you want to split? Disney can be stressful and tiring you could end up arguing and makibg the kids sad x

YANBU to put your own happiness first and cancel the holiday. As others have said if you go you risk spending money you may need to leave AND leaving your DC with a sad holiday memory if you cannot keep up the pretence.

Your DC don’t know it’s booked, they have been to Disney already and there will be opportunities to make new holiday memories in the future. Good luck OP ❤️

As horrible as this sounds, you need to factor in the cost of the divorce - for both you and DH. f you’ve just spent thousands on a holiday, will there be enough money left? You could potentially be making the separation even harder by adding an unnecessary additional financial burden.

Speaking from sad experience I would cancel. I went to the Caribbean for my exh big birthday a few months before we split up. We were pretty unhappy at the time and I knew I wanted to separate but I had the same thoughts…already booked, one last holiday as a family etc. we had an argument on holiday and there was some bad feeling. Not sure how much the kids picked up on. I regretted going l, have no ‘good’ family memories from it and it was an awful waste of money which would have been better spent on other things once we separated. Start 2025 by taking control of your situation, tell him you want to separate and cancel your holiday. Good luck x

Disney deprived? They don't even know they're going. My kids aren't deprived because they never went to Disney. It's not a Venn diagram where Disney equals Happiness and Not Disney equals Unhappiness.

With the utmost respect, you're hiding nothing from your kids. They KNOW there's an atmosphere, they KNOW you aren't happy. Two happy separate parents are better than 2 miserable parents on a foreign holiday, especially as they know nothing so won't be losing out. Sit your husband down when the kids are back at school and sort out what happens going forward

Either go without him (but with his agreement) or just cancel. It's not worth five figure sums to chase a non-existent rainbow. You might think you'll have an amazing time but if everything is strained and everyone is walking on eggshells no one will enjoy the experience.

If the holiday is paid for & you'd lose a lot by cancelling it then I'd go. can you start distancing yourself emotionally from your DH from now until then so you aren't arguing while there & when you get back decide from then what you're going to do?