To leave DH after/before Disneyworld holiday?

[Greenstorybook]

I want to leave DH. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but practicalities and not having the b*lls to make the change have kept me.

We have a family holiday to Disney, Florida booked for May. This will be the second time taking DC there and I’m desperate to be able to take them for a second time; they would also love to go back and talk about wanting to go again frequently. DC currently don’t know this holiday is booked or that there was any possibility of going for a second time.

We had mutually agreed to this holiday when things were better between DH and I than they are now. My plan was to have one last family holiday, take DC to somewhere that i would unlikely be able to afford to do on my own, and then allow our relationship to naturally reach the end when we got back.

However, I’m so unhappy right now and I’m struggling to even be happy in front of my children. I feel that realistically my children would most benefit from my happiness than a holiday to Disney. Therefore I feel that I should consider leaving now and cancelling the holiday?

I do worry that actually the holiday would end up being awful as DH and I aren’t always on the best terms but could hide it from DC to some extent. But will it end with sour memories for myself, when really it should be a holiday that leaves positive memories?

on the flip side, I’ve lived with this sadness and wanting to leave for so long now that I think “what’s an extra few months for the sake of being able to take my children to Disney?” - somewhere where they really want to go to again and I probably wouldn’t be able to afford to do as a single parent. They’re only young once and I want them to have the experience again.

What do I do?
Do i put my own happiness first and risk never being able to take them to Disney again?
Or, do I suck it up as I’ve lived feeling this miserable for so long, carry on feeling this way for a short while longer so that DC can have one last amazing experience?

Do you not think that any great memories your children have of Disney, and the holiday, will be immediately tarnished afterwards? And that’s if you both manage to hold it together throughout…

I think ‘happiness’ is an unrealistic barometer for marriage when you have young children and rubbing along ok, is my benchmark.

Really?! Surely happiness is the minimum. We have young children. We’re admittedly not in the position to splash out on £10k holidays but I’d be horrified and sad if either of us stopped feeling happy. I wouldn’t want to stay in the marriage in that case. Surely that’s the one thing you have got to have?!

This. You are displacing a lot of snxiety snd sadness onto your children and this trip. Its just not that important in the great scheme of things. Don’t raise your children to place such weight on holidays/escapism/materialism. Get cracking living your life freely and happily. That is the best gift you can give them.

To the pp's suggesting that OP should stay quiet and go on the holiday or that it depends on the cost just imagine you see the following post on mn in a few weeks

'I'm so angry and devastated. I saved up for months for what I thought was going to be a wonderful family holiday to disney. I could tell my husband was miserable the minute he got to the airport. He was an arse for the whole trip until we eventually had a huge fight. He admitted he's wanted to separate for months but it turns out he had been keeping quiet because he wanted to go on this trip. Now mine and my kid's only memories of this trip are going to be how miserable it was and that it led to their parents splitting up'

If roles were reversed and the woman was the victim would you understand the man's predicament? Or would you be labelling him a cocklodging arsehole and encouraging the victim to divorce him immediately and take him for every penny he has? The OP's husband deserves to have a say in this especially if (as I suspect) he has paid for most of it.

Cancel, there are other holidays to go on. If you are definitely leaving this year then don't waste the money on basically a muserable memory for you. One trip to disneyworld for a kid in their life is more than enough.

Cancel . There’s more to life than Disney and your children will have many happy times ahead.

I’d cancel. I can’t imagine trying to pretend everything is ok while away and the kids will pick up on it anyway. You have no way of knowing that you won’t ever be able to take them again.

Your DC will already know something is wrong between their parents. Going to Disney as a happy family will deceive them into thinking things have improved, maybe even confuse them about trusting their instincts in future. Definitely cancel, no holiday anywhere is worth it and that is one of the worst destinations to be miserable and unable to show it.

Do the divorce. The holiday is not a priority given the kids don't even know. Although would there be another way to do the holiday? Any single friends with kids, that could add their kids, pay for DHs place and share the cost of things when you are there?

Is there an option to speak to your dh and see what he is feeling about splitting up and the holiday or has communication broken down too much for this to be an option? If I were to go Id likely prefer it if we were on the same page with us both putting on a happy front to ensure the children enjoyed it. If you can't communicate about it, think he will ruin it and you won't enjoy it. Id be inclined to cancel it and save the money to be honest.

If the kids knew about it, I'd be inclined to say try to hold out, but since they don't, I'm inclined to say cancel, if you can be sure that your husband won't tell them and use it to hurt you by hurting them.

I grew up in a family of expensive long haul holidays and horrible, toxic, damaging relationships and trauma. My husband grew up in a family of self-catered UK holidays and a loving environment. I'm not romantic about money or poverty, but I know which environment led to happier children.

Cancel definitely. They've already been once and I genuinely think if you go twice with them, they'll struggle to distinguish their memories of the first holiday with memories of the second one.

Going only once makes it more special on the long run.

Cancel.

Are they old enough that their father might tell them 'I was going to take you to Disneyworld, but your mother cancelled it to be spiteful/if you say you want to live with me, I'll take you'?

If you and your H are civil and can get through the holiday without arguments or creating an obvious bad atmosphere, then I think your DC would be highly likely to prefer to go to Disney with two courteous albeit distant from each parents than to know their mum was much happier being separated. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but being completely honest, unless parents are obviously not getting on and are visibly distressed, angry and so on, children will almost always opt for the continuation of family life over the happiness of a parent, because they're too young for such altruism. Throw in Disney with all its distractions and I'd be very surprised if they paid much attention to your happiness at all as long as you can avoid obvious displays of emotion.

Not fair on anyone to use the holiday as a benchmark for separating.
Does your husband know that separating is on the cards?

I wouldn't stay around him for the sake of a Disneyland holiday.
😐

This.

I take it there’s no domestic abuse OP or you surely wouldn’t be considering staying for the sake of a holiday if you have the resources to leave afterwards.

How long afterwards were you planning to leave - same day, a week, a month?

DC will just remember a miserable last family holiday before their family broke up. When they talk about it, they will think ‘that was before …….’

Is there any specific reason you don’t think you’ll ever be able to afford a holiday to Disney again?

Cancel, leave your husband, rebook with just you and the children

I'm one of the few that would stick it out and go on the holiday.

Good grief, cancel the holiday and get a grip woman! And start preparing yourself and your children for divorce. Your children have already been to Disney once, no one NEEDS to go a second time, and what they don't know won't hurt them. What WILL hurt them of course, is finding out that mummy was so very unhappy but wanted them to have a stupid holiday. What on earth would they think of you then?

I'd cancel.
The kids don't even know about this yet - so they wouldn't miss it. Plus they've already been once. My two have never been there and they don't feel hard done by.
May is actually a really long way away. If you wait until after the holiday - believe me there will then be another perfectly plausible reason for you to delay leaving for another period.
There is never a perfect time to start a divorce.
You will only loose a few hundred pounds. You will need the money potentially spent on this holiday much more after you separate.
If you stay for the sake of the holiday - then you may grow to resent it anyway - and you might then be really unhappy by that time - and that will spoil the holiday memories for everyone.

Good Luck whatever you decide.

I’d cancel. Use the money you would have spent there on setting up your new separate lives.
I was in an unhappy marriage for years and 7 years down the line I can say for me the grass WAS greener on the other side.
We only have one life and everyone deserves to be happy as a bare minimum.

Cancel.

I think you need to value your sanity a bit more than Disneyland. May is a long way away.

"This will be the second time taking DC there and I’m desperate to be able to take them for a second time; they would also love to go back and talk about wanting to go again frequently. DC currently don’t know this holiday is booked or that there was any possibility of going for a second time."
Why are you desparate to take them a second time? Why do they talk about wanting to go "frequently" when thy don't know there's any possibility of going again? What importance have you attached to that original holiday, to the extent that you want to recreate it? I think you need to answer those questions to yourself, not necessarily on here.

I suspect this was a very happy holiday and you want that happy time back - but you won't get it back. If anything you risk tainting any happy associations your children have with that holiday. They'll be completely overridden by memories of their parents bickering and sniping, they might even blame themselves for the breakdown of their parents' marriage because it all happened at Disney and it was them that wanted to go there so much that their parents took them. Bollocks that it would be their fault, but children are prone to blaming themselves when their parents split. Going back to Disney in the current circumstances carries a risk. A big risk.

Let your children have the happy memories of that holiday. Don't overwrite them with the unhappy memories that would be created if you go back this year. Get the practicalities of splitting dealt with, and split.((hug))

I would 100% cancel now.