To leave DH after/before Disneyworld holiday?

[Greenstorybook]

I want to leave DH. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but practicalities and not having the b*lls to make the change have kept me.

We have a family holiday to Disney, Florida booked for May. This will be the second time taking DC there and I’m desperate to be able to take them for a second time; they would also love to go back and talk about wanting to go again frequently. DC currently don’t know this holiday is booked or that there was any possibility of going for a second time.

We had mutually agreed to this holiday when things were better between DH and I than they are now. My plan was to have one last family holiday, take DC to somewhere that i would unlikely be able to afford to do on my own, and then allow our relationship to naturally reach the end when we got back.

However, I’m so unhappy right now and I’m struggling to even be happy in front of my children. I feel that realistically my children would most benefit from my happiness than a holiday to Disney. Therefore I feel that I should consider leaving now and cancelling the holiday?

I do worry that actually the holiday would end up being awful as DH and I aren’t always on the best terms but could hide it from DC to some extent. But will it end with sour memories for myself, when really it should be a holiday that leaves positive memories?

on the flip side, I’ve lived with this sadness and wanting to leave for so long now that I think “what’s an extra few months for the sake of being able to take my children to Disney?” - somewhere where they really want to go to again and I probably wouldn’t be able to afford to do as a single parent. They’re only young once and I want them to have the experience again.

What do I do?
Do i put my own happiness first and risk never being able to take them to Disney again?
Or, do I suck it up as I’ve lived feeling this miserable for so long, carry on feeling this way for a short while longer so that DC can have one last amazing experience?

If you go, the kids will always remember it as 'the trip to Disneyworld when Mum and Dad split up". Can the holiday and get on with the business in hand.

Definitely cancel. You’ll never make it til May and frankly even if you did you’d be a bag of nerves, H would probably be tense and awful too and the whole thing would probably be a ahit show abd spoil the memories the children have if their last holiday. And if it’s not, how confusing for the children to have this amazing holiday then parents divorce. Honestly you will not be creating happy memories. Cancel now and deal with what’s in front of you. I imagine giving the children this holiday is in your mind some kind of compensation for breaking up the family unit and helping you with the guilt. Long term it honestly won’t help and I’d put money on it making things worse if you try to go ahead with it. Good luck. You must be feeling all kinds of sad and painful things right now

I'd cancel, for many of the reasons posted already.
I'm sure that if you have felt this way for so long, and tried to hide it from the DCs , they've picked up on it or learned to live with it as being the way it is.
They have positive ( or more positive) memories of having gone to Disney before, and this time, by May with you closer than ever to leaving your DH, if you're worried about memories, this last trip might forever bring up bad memories for you DCs ; one thing, they may never want to return to Disney after this.

Cancel and get yourself out of what sounds to be an unhappy relationship.
You can always work towards Disneyland a few years down the line.

I think it depends on the circumstances.

If your husband knows how you feel, is a decent person and is on the same page as you then I would maybe discuss it with him and, if possible, agree to enjoying the 'last holiday' as friends for the sake of the children having the opportunity.

If he doesn't know how you feel and will be shocked and upset by the marriage ending then I would end the marriage now and see if he would still be willing to take the children to Dinsey - perhaps with a parent, brother or friend to go with him in your place. I don't think it's fair to deceive him.

If he is not a good person then, regardless of whether he knows or not, I'd cancel and walk away with the children - not worth it.

@Greenstorybook never mind about the holiday - if you are so very unhappy then you need to do something about that. Leave, or ask him to leave.

However: 1) are you certain about the deposit? Many holidays have a booking deposit that you pay right at the start to reserve the holiday at that price, but the small print shows a much larger full deposit (often 25% or 33%) that you owe even if you cancel before the final deposit is due.
2) Who made the booking? If your h made it then only he can cancel it. You might find that he wants to continue with the holiday and take dc on his own. You can't be in control of that.

Cut your losses at three figures would be my advice.

I don’t see why you can’t leave DH and let him take the kids to Disney by himself. Leave it up to him to cancel or not. By linking the if I leave they can’t go to Disney, you are setting yourself up to be the grinch who stole the Disney holiday….

This is preassuming he isn’t abusive and genuinely a good dad.

This is so odd. Your life and your marriage, or end of marriage, should be so much more important than a theme park.

If you’re certain you want to separate waiting until May will be horrendous. I’d cancel

100% end it. The last thing the kids want is to think back to "the amazing holiday to Disney" when they are older and realise that their parents relationship was on its last legs, it will forever be tarnished.

My parents broke up a week before we were due to go on holiday and we didn't go: I dont miss what I never had, but i know that I can't think of our holiday destination without thinking about the divorce. I wouldn't make Disney that destination.

If you don't cancel, how many months do you have to stay for so the kids don't link the holiday to their parents divorce announcement shortly afterwards?

Because then it will be someone's birthday, Christmas....there's never a good time,.you just need to do it.

Just cancel it. The children don't even know the holiday is on the cards, so it's really not an issue.
Nope, I really wouldn't suck it up for another 5 months.
Good luck with everything.
💚

@Greenstorybook i think it depends on plenty factors .
Does dh know you are splitting ?
Have you got somewhere to go ?
Is everything on peace for a split ?

If your split up plans isn’t sorted then how do you know you won’t still be together in may anyway ?

Some children never get to go to Disney and their lives are perfectly happy. Don't kid yourself that the children don't feel the tension between the pair of you because they so do. If it is so bad finish the relationship as soon as you can. Don't put the children through the hell of a holiday with miserable parents Disney or not.

If it was me, I'd Cancel.

I don't think there's a worse form of torture that holidaying with someone you hate.

Given your update about the money - cancel.

I’d cancel given it’s not a huge deposit.

As the children don't know about the holiday I'm not sure that decisions about that should be determinative of anything, but irrespective of that I don't fully understand why the holiday needs to be cancelled in its entirety regardless. Surely either one parent can go, or if you think you can establish a suitably cordial co-parenting relationship, you can both go, have separate rooms/beds and both spend time with the children.

However, in the absence of further information, that what is really needed is some open communication with your DH as your unhappiness and consideration of an exit strategy seems to have been going on for some time - does he realise how unhappy you or that the reason for this from your perspective is that your relationship is on the rocks, and if so does he have any understanding of why you feel that way, and how does he feel?

There is no way you will get through a holiday in May abroad without the tensions becoming apparent. "The Year Mum And Dad Ruined Disney" isn't a memory any kid needs.

Cancel the holiday, split up, plan nice future things separately.

You thought you'd go on holiday (give to the children) with your husband who you want to leave because he could pay half and you'd never afford it without him.

Definitely don't do that.

I would cancel. DC will suffer too if you put yourself through five more months of unhappiness.

Unless you’re very rich, the £9,000 ( at least, possibly thousands more) that you save will be a big help when you’re divorcing and possibly having to move house.

Divorce is expensive
I'd certainly not spend that much on a frivolous holiday if I knew a split was coming.
Your kids don't know about the holiday it shouldn't be a priority

I would cancel Disney too, and do it now. Even if you are still together and can hold it together, it will feel bittersweet (at best) to you, and the dc's memories of it will be tainted. The dc have already been and have their memories from that time. They don't know about it so you can plan a more suitable holiday just the three of you when the time is right.

I would also say, given that it costs 5 figures, I would not choose to spend that when a split is on the horizon. Splitting up and making separate lives is very expensive and unless that money is a drop in the ocean to you, I would rather be a bit cautious and accept the money may be needed more for one of you to set up a new place.

I'd cancel no question. Faking happiness is the worst kind of torture, especially when you have to all smile for the Disney photographer. It's a long time away and by the time you get to that point you might hate and despise each other or be visibly miserable, which is the worst kind of torture for the kids too. Air travel can be fraught anyway with even loving couples getting tetchy wtih each other. Imagine what it would feel like to be with someone you just don't even want to be with for all that length of time travelling.

Potentially, their memories of Disney could even be spoiled forever, to the point that whenever a Disney advert comes on the TV in future that's all they can think about, how their parents were arguing or scowling each other all through the holiday, didn't show any affection, were irritable with each other, sarcastic comments. I don't know whether you're young enough to remember Princess Diana looking so unhappy when she was married towards the end.

Even if you manage to fake it all, when you DO tell them that you're splitting up, won't that be more of a shock than if it took its natural course and finished before? "But I don't understand - we went to Disney and all had a great time! Look at this photo!"

Soul destroying all round.