To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

Your amazing grandad brings a tear to my eye. What a lovely man!

I agree. Its one thing to ask your mum/dad to help you with cleaning/laundry but when my friends popped round with gifts I would have felt like a total arse saying "oh thanks- can you hoover my lounge and go through my dirty laundry and put it in the machine?".

I also agree with a PP- did the OP also do this for others?

My Mum didn't have a village older sibling (first child) born late 70s, in fact she always tells me how for the birth she let my Dad know and it seemed like an eternity for him to turn up at the hospital, he nearly missed the birth of my brother. Following the birth they went via Mother Care and bought a moses basket and more clothes. My Granny arrived two days later but only stayed for a couple of days and that was it. On my own case my Mum was around but had to stay with us as she lives quite far away, she stayed one night when I returned with DS and then it was my DH and I. MIL was local and not a hands on person and as much as she loved him, left us to it. I don't think it was the end of the world in some ways as our reality was the two of us with one returning to work after 2 weeks. However, my MIL kept offering her advice on sticking with the breast feeding and although I did, didn't seem to have any words of wisdom on when that improved as it was painful at first.

Yeah I do think a lot of this is pretty sexist and boils down to the idea that other women need to do domestic labour so that a man isn't inconvenienced

Just tell your friend that this is normal. It’s normal not to have people queuing up to cook and clean for you; it’s normal to have to only focus on the basics when baby is very young; it’s normal for it to be a complete culture shock.

However, again, this is a societal change that has largely affected women and children - both parents working. It’s all ‘noses to the grindstone’ for everyone nowadays, and we’ve all suffered in various ways. Society should be better set up.

Actually empathic ppl do this before they have a kid. They really do.

I’m ‘snotty’ and that’s what I did. Lots of others do. It’s really really normal to help out friends and family who are having a stressful event like a baby or illness, even when you haven’t experienced it yourself. If you’ve no experience you often need to ask which of the things you can offer is best. But you still offer.

It’s only on MN that I hear that childless ppl have zero idea about anything other than themselves. It hasn’t been my experience and wasn’t who I was when I was childless. They’re describing selfish people, not childless people.

I think she’s been misled by sm but people saying it was easier before- I don’t think women had more time in the past to help- they had less modern conveniences- my mum wouldn’t have had a washing machine or tumble dryer, no dishwasher until late 80s or 90s. And community was a thing in certain places but not rural or if you weren’t in the right eatate!

Having a baby is hard work, a huge life change but I think it's glamourised a little on social media, probably by those who can afford help, or who have friends and family who aren't working and can help.

I also think people want it both ways, extended time alone with baby and no visitors, but then expect visitors to help and care for the adults.

To me it's all over thinking and when you set high expectations they often fall apart.

I agree and I don't think it's social media led at all, all my family said all these nice things they were going to do, make meals etc, none of it happened. We had a colic baby so didn't have much time to think about it at the time just muddled through.

^ this!

Not really sure what help you need with just one baby mind assuming the Dad is around and on paternity leave.

I did find people more helpful the second time but their help was focused on my two year old. My closest friend took her to the park and offered to get her lunch out. One very kind friend whisked her off to soft play and brought her back a few hours later having had her dinner. DH had gone back to work after two days and I'm still grateful to that lovely friend more than a decade on.

I've tried to offer similar help to other new mums including ironing all the school uniform on a Sunday when my friend had her third.

I think you get more practical in this way and better at offering as your own family grows.

There are two adults there and one baby. Unless the baby has additional medical needs it's a shock to the system undoubtedly but surely manageable?

I think some of the 'people did this in the past' also omits that the woman had four other kids to care for, husband required tea on the table and she had no access to an online grocery shop or even supermarket.

I really feel for new mothers today. Between things like this and a birth plan that makes you believe you can play whale music and really have a choice in how nature goes, it sets people up for disappointment. There are also many more rules like never leave a sleeping child (based on very little evidence) which make it much harder.

It's nice dad's get a bit more time off but again, I don't know if it helps longer term. I found getting into my own routine actually made it easier. If I'd become used to extra help oddly I think I'd have struggled more then having to adapt again.

Your friend needs other mums with new babies. It's why baby groups etc exist. They are not really for the baby, just a way to meet people at the same stage when it's all consuming.

My DP would have been absolutely confused at anyone turning up with food, as the kitchen is firmly his domain, and went on (simplified but) uninterrupted by the birth of our kids.

How many household tasks are there that can't wait three or four weeks?

But I do think for lots of women it's a shock that the attention shifts from them, the pregnant person as the most vulnerable/in need one, to the baby as the one to be looked after.

My mum was very good at (emotionally) supporting me as well as the baby. And... so was my dad.

So few expectations on male family members and friends on this thread.

So sorry to the PP with PTSD during COVID, that sounds horrendous. Of course you were in terror. <3

Both of my grandmothers, born 1910 and 1917, worked out of the home their entire lives.

As to "even the baby's dad didn't help," well, who picked him? Don't blame the rest of us if one chooses an arsehole to sire one's offspring.

Because some births are traumatic. Some births result in injuries. Some babies don't sleep. Some babies have colic. Some babies struggle to feed. Some women develop PND. Some women don't have supportive partners. Some women whose partner was supportive stops being able to be supportive. Some women have other children to deal with.

I am not pathetic. I had a colicky baby during Covid, PND, and a traumatic birth that has left my body forever changed. I couldn't keep on top of everyday tasks.

There may not have been paternity leave when you had your children, but I'm certain empathy existed; a concept with which you appear to be unfamiliar.

I do think that some mums don't really help themselves by feeling the need to put on a facade of 'having it all' mainly to impress others. The minute my first child arrived I decided I didn't have time to iron anymore and gradually other things slipped. I've worked full time since having both DC and yes it's tough but I don't kid myself that my house needs to be immaculate or I need to leave the house looking glamorous every day. DH supports well too. I have friends with similar aged kids who work themselves into a tizz about the cleanliness of their house and things which are a choice rather than a necessity. Again social media drives this fake reality.

Exactly this!

Was she having a dig at you when she said this OP? Did she think you should’ve done more? Did she do it for you when you had your baby?

She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really

That’s the crux of why she didn’t have people falling over themselves. If I knew a single parent who had just given birth, or say someone who had a DH off in defence forces in a far flung place, or stuck in their job on an outpost in the South Pole, I would ask what I could do to help. But, if I saw someone with a DH there I’d think it was his ‘job’, especially if he was home for 4 weeks!! Why would I be whizzing a vac around for him to stand and watch?

Two adults to one baby is a perfectly fine ratio, I wouldn't expect them to need practical help unless there were extenuating circumstances like (physical or mental) health issues.

Our first had silent reflux and I had an EMCS, we both really struggled with the adjustment but we didn't need anyone to cook us dinner, we needed reflux meds and a magic wand.

I'm a big believer in the village, but that doesn't mean anyone doing my laundry.

Absolutely 💯

I think this kind of support is v rare and also judging by mumsnet many people wouldn't like it. I think the modern narrative of birth is that you go home and shut your doors and are rather grudging with letting people in. My mum helped with my second and it was brilliant but I was very much left to it with my first and it was exhausting.

I would say that even back in the data when there was a genuine community around you of supportive neighbours and big families living in the same place people wouldn't do the boring grunt work of cleaning your house or doing your laundry for you.

I reckon in the past help who have been childcare and possibly feeding you, but even then, mainly childcare. I'm sure that women have always been expected to get on with it. Rest when the baby rests is a modern creation.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect other people to do your housework, but visitors shouldn't make work for new parents, e.g. expecting them to provide food and drink and not offering to help with food preparation and washing up.

Exactly. What is her husband doing all this time if he's at home? why cant he run the vacuum round?

I'd feel differently if she was completely on her own but I am not cleaning someone's house whilst her husband sits on the sofa watching me FGS. Bloody hell.

I agree with a pp that social media can present an unrealistic rosy picture of families helping out. But some visitors will be glad to. ‘We’re so happy to have a baby but not managing to keep on top of the housework. Please could you make the tea? Sorry if it’s a mess in there. ‘ With any luck they will at least look after themselves and perhaps load the dishwasher while they are there.