To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

lol.

My friends helped, sent Deliveroo vouchers, would make all the drinks on visiting, bring gifts, my mum cleaned and did the washing. My friends regularly offer to sit with baby so I can get some sleep.

Some people are just more understanding and it’s essential for sanity in these sleepless days

I had a colicky baby during the first Covid lockdown. By the time we were allowed visitors, I had untreated mastitis (doctors wouldn't prescribe anything until I had results from a Covid test which couldn't yet be done from home), a yeast infection in both me and my baby, PND, and a husband whose otherwise managed depression had worsened, triggered by the birth of our baby.

I needed help. I couldn't sleep when the baby slept because he never slept. My husband was working. My family was overseas and not allowed to visit anyway. My husband's family wasn't allowed to visit. Our friends weren't allowed to visit.

If they had been, I would have absolutely asked for help with meal prep, cleaning, holding a baby so I could shower, and taking a baby out so I could sleep. Some situations need that village.

If its someone's first baby and the dad has a full month off, tbh I wouldn't expect to help either! When it's not the first baby, there's definitely more to do. I think young mums have been misled and should have batch cooked before the baby arrived and been clearer with their partner of what's expected. We had meals delivered on a rota through my church in the first fortnight, but family and friends didn't bring food or clean, I didn't expect them to. This was 17 years ago.

Well, yes, I literally thought that.

In the first days of the pandemic, when the pictures from Wuhan had bodies lying on the streets, the whole world had closed down and the government were telling me that nobody could come in or out to stop the spread of what we then believed to be a deadly virus?

And I had a newborn baby who no midwives, health visitors or family could come and see and the world closed down between me going into hospital and coming home?

Yes, I literally thought mine and my baby’s lives were threatened. I thought we were in the apocalypse.

It might be easy for someone not in that position to think that’s ridiculous, but that’s how it was.

And men didn't get time off

On MN, I see people complaining that a neighbour asked them to take a child to school and the responses suggest this is a cheeky request, nip it in the bud etc

If society wants a village, then folk need to be willing to step up and help others

Too many people wanting others to help. A village isn't a one way street

And, with ready meals, fridges, tumble dryers and paternity leave, I'd argue there's less need for a village anyway

She sounds hugely naive. How could she believe that her friends and family would come and do her housework or cook her meals? Presumably as she wasn’t aware of it until she got on social media this isn’t something she herself has done for new parents, or seen others do.

societal norms are understood in society, not something you learn on Facebook.

I don't think it was ridiculous to fear for your baby's safety. It was a scary time x

The village concept stems from a time when men weren't expected to have anything to do with children and women weren't expected to work.

The man wouldn't even be there for the birth, instead would be in the pub.

And there were no labour saving devices.

Instead today we have the very sensible notion that the father of the child should be very actively involved in the baby and domestic chores.

A small baby can only be held by one adult and thus the other parent is more than capable of cooking a meal and running a hoover round.

That must have been terrible and scary but you were not in an immediate threatening situation that would develop into ptsd. It may well have felt traumatic but ptsd is a substantial collection of symptoms that are active after a traumatic event.

I would help a friend with a new baby. Take some food with me or offer to look after a toddler to give them a break.

Surely that’s what good friends do?

My mum also helped us a lot with meals etc. MIL did not but took the approach of being a waited on houseguest for several days. I guess it depends on someone’s perspective on life.

I had no help including from his DF. My best time was in hospital. My DF took my DS out. It very nearly broke me and I had PND and PTSD.

A friend who's little one was a year older said she felt the same (although her DM helped early on) and we should all live in a big house to support each other and have company.

When I was pregnant 22 years ago I was given an NHS published book that spanned early pregnancy to just post birth (I think). I read it numerous times and it felt very realistic, probably because it was aimed at all women irrespective of their domestic circumstances.

I had some help from my mum and mum in law but mostly just cracked on as I was keen to get back to normal as soon as possible, routine wise.

I think a lot of people are quite self centered and having a baby is a complete and utter shock. Especially to the people who always read and study what "the book" says. Babies have their own personalities and life with a newborn really isn't what you expect. As others have said many people expect a village but haven't been anyone else's village. I will say however on DC3 my eldest was already at school and it was a horrendous pregnancy followed by DD staying in nicu and the mums from my eldest child's school were exceptional with their offers of help and that's something I'll never forget

All the books lie, social media lies, parenting is way more isolating than it ever was.
It was all the stuff about taking care of your mental health post partum that got me. Okay, so I’ll just exercise then. When? And how when I’m literally recovering and been told not to exercise for at least 6 weeks.
Get lots of sleep. How exactly when I am sleeping in 2-3 hourly bursts?
Get dad to do the night feeds. So we all live in mansions where we don’t hear the baby wake up even if dad is on night duty? And who is helping dad when he’s been working full time and doing night feeds for days on end?
My personal favourite was “make sure you have a date night/spend time just as a couple” LOOOOOOOOOL Okay, I’ll magic up a babysitter so I can spend money I don’t have on maternity leave to spend time trying to act romantic when I feel like a whale with no clothes that fit anymore, and all I want to do is sleep. That will really help us reconnect and improve our mental health.

So I get it. I don’t think there’s a solution as it’s just modern life for many people. But all that crappy advice in books isn’t helping people’s expectations of parenting. And Mrs influencer on instagram with her night nanny, and baby that sleeps through from birth, who “pops back” within 6 weeks can also get in the bin.

I disagree. I had 24 hours a day with my baby. I was happy when people came round for a cuddle and I could unload the washing machine of just drink a hot cup of tea.

This is an awful post.

A truly awful, judgemental and horrible post made by ill informed assumptions.

I'd never expect that level of help assuming we were all ok. I think my parents and my fil might pitch in and maybe one of my friends might offer but I can't imagine asking or expecting guests to do jobs.

I do see guest deployment suggested here but as a method to nudge / defend against the sort of guests who chase you off your own sofa when you're so full of stitches you can barely move, clutch your baby for hours on end and forget where the kettle is; it's a coping technique against the ones who aggressively push you for a visit and turn up 2 minutes after you get home after being discharged, set up camp, refuse to relinquish your baby and hint that they're expecting sandwiches. People on here have had this. It's great that they're sharing their experiences so that others are armed and ready, especially if a new mum has said she's worried that her mum / inlaws/ extended relations on either side will be like this as they're already awful guests / pushy on the group chat etc.

No one on here is saying nice auntie Jane who wants to fuss over all of you, stop by for 30min with a gift and who might sooth the baby if it whimpered when you need to nip the loo should be forced to scrub floors on her arthritic knees as a matter of course.

It's good that women are being encouraged not to humour arse parking or pushy guests just because they're relatives but I think it might be tipping too far the other way if people are assuming they can sit around and expect to be waited on by all who visit (because social media said so). That's not a strategy or advice to accept help, it's entitlement.

@Shakeyourbaublesandsmile

NHS guidance doesn't seem to support your view

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/overview/

Social media may well present the kind of bollocks that the OP refers to.

Someone who thinks their life "should" be like that, is in for a surprise when a baby arrives who has no fucking idea of the Tictoc and insta fantasies their mum has built up.

And to the poster who said wtte that how can you help until you know what its like by having a baby yourself, could do with strengthening those human qualities of imagination and empathy

The entitlement of the 'where's my village crowd'. No people do not have to bring meals to visit or clean the house. Sensible people fill the freezer prior to the arrival of the baby so they are prepared. Was she preparing meals for other people before she had hers? If so, then they are the ones who should be returning the favour. But of course she wasn't, entitlement street is always one way.

Yes she was misled. I know a few people who had mums who did this sort of thing- brought meals round etc- and I sometimes take food when I visit (but something like homemade flapjacks, not shepherds pie) but by and large people are coming for a visit not an unpaid cleaning session. I also think if you turn up as a visitor and say “shall I run the hoover round?” you could cause a lot of offence.

If someone clearly isn’t coping ( as in Pp’s example above) it’s obviously right to step in, ditto if they ask for help. But for a couple with a supportive husband at home, I think it would be a bit odd for friends to help in this way and could well be read as saying “you clearly aren’t coping”- it crosses a line.

Sounds totally plausible. We treated pregnant women and new mothers appallingly during the pandemic. Shockingly enough, some of them still live with the effects.

Without knowing the full details your friend sounds more entitled than misled.

how has she been with other friends who had recently had children? If she hasn’t been role modelling how she would like to be treated then she has nothing to complain about