To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

[SneakyLilNameChange]

Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

In my family/frienship circle this is absolutely normal, my DD had my beautiful grandson yesterday, we have already been to see the baby in hospital, we had a call from them to say come and meet him.

We went to their house on our way home fed the cats, tidied up, emptied the dishwasher and made sure the house was lovely for them to come home. My friends will make dinners, as will her friends and everyone just rallies so the new family can enjoy this special time.

This is normal for us, however I see so many threads where new parents don’t want to see anyone, parents can’t visit until the baby is 21, and the list of rules and regulations are mind blowing.

In my opinion if you want a village you need to part of a village.

When I visited my friend I cooked a meal for everyone and washed up, sterilised bottles and tidied the kitchen. they have other children and she had to have a c-section so I know this was a small help.

I had people visit that clearly just wanted new born cuddles that haven’t visited since the first 3 weeks. It felt very lonely having all these people turn up but not actually care I’m there.
My mil and SIL turned up one morning when I’d not long been awake from a bad night. I even said how I’d not even had chance to make myself a drink yet and they just sat there then left when baby fell asleep. And I was nap trapped because she woke as soon as I put her down.

Wow 🤩 times have changed. I expected zero help and wasn’t disappointed! Your friend is probably better finding out sooner rather than later that this is her and DPs responsibility 💯 and her friends/family don’t have any obligation or ‘owe’ them anything.
Sure many will have done their own tour of duty - it’s a daft notion to think just because she has had a baby, especially as her DP has 4 weeks off that others will do their housework etc. Any who do - that’s very lucky but definitely not the norm imho.
To be old and wise they say you first need to be young and daft and thankfully life with a wee person will be enough of a reality check in itself to kick this misguided and somewhat entitled stance into touch. If she was my friend I’d be telling her to ‘buckle up’. It won’t get any better and she needs to stop reading the books. Sure Gina Ford and likes of Supernanny at the time I had a newborn I discovered afterwards didn’t even have their own kids yet here they were advising the rest of us.
All that said, I probably would make her my best lasagne and hoover a couple of times if it meant that much to her but only so long as she didn’t just expect it 🤪.

I never really get the meals thing. I think it must date from when men did no cooking.

We pretty much just ate our usual meals when we had newborns, just the quicker end of what we would normally have, all cooked by DH.

A stir-fry, omelette, soup, etc doesn't take long.

@Shakeyourbaublesandsmile I think you're wrong on this. One of my friends has been diagnosed with PTSD but not from being in a threatening situation.

Not nearly the same as @LividBauble's experience but my dad had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer pre Covid, was doing well with immunotherapy. When Covid arrived I was terrified he would catch it and die. He didn't as it happens but I can well imagine the terror that a new mum must have felt.

I think my experience is different from most here. When my friends have had babies, we have absolutely gone round and done washing, cooked meals, cleaned the house. My friends did these things for me and absolutely family came and hoovered and put washing on when they came. My sister took a week off work to support me once my DH went back to work and equally I've taken leave to support friends in the early days with their babies when they've found it hard. I'm surprised that comes off as entitled or naive to so many here. It made a huge difference to me at the time.

I'd say this is a wee bit PFB. When you have just had a baby but still have to get up in the night to a toddler, and entertain, feed and try to keep a routine for the entire household because it contains other chiildren, you look back at what you 'expected' life to be like with a newborn and do a little cringe.

I struggle to understand how much help you need if there are 2 of you.

I definitely think people don’t realise that many people have zero help, especially on MN.

My sister is due in a few weeks and although I’ll help as much as I can, I work FT, study in the evenings, I’m a single parent and live an hour away.

I can’t wait to help and be involved but I cant see how much help I’m actually going to be.
I’ve told her that I won’t be around all of the time and she knows how busy I am but I am concerned that she thinks I’ll be more available than I actually am.

It’s difficult to give a reality check without coming across as harsh.

@SneakyLilNameChange I dont understand why anyone needs help when they have had a baby?? why?? come home from hospital and get on with it! my dh went right back to work on monday after I got home on saturday. no one did my cooking or cleaned my house or did the laundry! are many mums so pathetic that they cannot keep up with the simplest of tasks? no such thing as paternity leave when mine were born!

The village isn’t about people becoming your household staff - it’s designed for communal living or tribal sorts of villages. So living in such a ‘village’ is about having people around to share the workload - everyone has eyes on children or someone is doing activities with them (or they are helping adults). Someone is getting food, someone is doing laundry and so on. It isn’t about everyone dropping their own workload to do yours. Multigenerational living is about as close as we get in this country - and you are still expected to pitch in! We have parents very close by and although they offered daily support in terms of company, which is really important, I don’t think they did any more than make a cup of tea. As the children have got older we (us and children’s friends parents) have got good at just generically asking if anyone can have x for the day or do a pick up from
school. It’s not a village but it is supporting each other without much effort on the supporters part.

My family (aunts and uncles) would say “We’ll come for lunch” and expect a two course meal with wine. I lived in the bedroom and the kitchen so as to leave the sitting room in a pristine state (not least as my mother was asking all visitors if my flat was “a filthy tip”). My cousin came in like a whirlwind with her 10 year old daughter, spag Bol for lunch and a massive pot of soup. Her daughter played with the baby while my cousin cleaned the kitchen and sorted lunch and I had a shower. I fed the baby, who napped while we ate, then they washed up. She had come in her car, asked me if I wanted to do a big shop, and we all went to Tesco after lunch so that I could stock up. She came back two weeks later and did the same again. The immediate family just wanted baby cuddles and to be brought endless cups of tea.

I had no emotional or practical support other than DH when I had DS who was a crazy challenging baby. It nearly broke us both. The lack of emotional support was much worse tbh. I would have been pretty happy with the support your friend had in terms of people visiting and keeping her company and being on the end of the phone etc. I remember one day being so sad and down and I picked up my phone to call someone and realised I had not a single person to call.

I do try and be supportive to my friends who have kids although I am often limited by distance. When I visit I always turn up with some sort of food and I always offer to do dishes, vacuum, put a wash on etc. have never been taken up on it though! I also send cook vouchers to new parents.

My best friend who only lives an hour away from me is having a baby in the summer and I am looking forward to being able to be properly helpful as the distance isn't so big. I don't work now so will be happy to pop over every week with homemade meals and do the housework. She will have a lot of support from family as well though so I probably won't make a massive difference.

If I care about someone I want to support them during a massive life change.

This exactly! My mum and dad brought us food after both our kids because they could and they wanted to, my mother in law would change the baby and hold her so I could have a drink or a shower etc. but after the second I was much more able to multitask and we were up and out a lot sooner than the first so did shops etc. I really couldn’t be arsed cleaning mind 😂

This is it I do think people are genuinely kind and caring and will be there when they feel necessary. A normal event like having a baby doesn’t necessitate it but obviously difficult events like an nicu stay of course people will rally.

I agree re self centred. On the other hand I’m used to doing everything for myself and when I had my first I couldn’t believe the help I got from “the government”- sending health visitors round to help (average self centred person: they’re just untrained and trying to check my house is clean) sending me letters with appointments booked for vaccinations, baby clinics etc I loved it, it was like having loads of mums caring for you.

I had a horrible birth with my first, forceps, massive tear etc. My mum came round with a frozen lasagne, made me scrambled eggs on toast for lunch and did all the washing up. I was so grateful (and hormonal) I cried. Dp was around and he was great but it was so nice having someone focused on me and not just the baby. It's a bit sad how many people don't have someone taking care of them after birth.

I don't think it's too much to expect close relatives eg mum, sister, mother in law to say something like "would it be useful if I ran the hoover round?"

Yes, because woe betide a person with a penis running a hoover around. Honestly I despair.

She could have helped the elderly, the sick. When my neighbour was ill I made an extra portion of dinner every night for her and left it outside her house so I didn't get ill. I also made her smoothies and delivered them.

When my other neighbour was ill with covid, I did the same.

When a lady who was 82 with mild dementia lived a couple doors down I added her food shopping to my order ever week for years so she didn't have to go to the store, I took her to the doctor despite barely knowing her before I realised she could do with some help.

Another elderly person on my street doesn't have much money, I regularly give her vegetables from my allotment to help her out, even though we aren't friends in the slightest.

It's utter bullshit that OPs friend couldn't have contributed to the village in the past, the village is not only woman who have given birth.

Be quiet. It's not for you to internet decide what diagnostic criteria people you've never met might meet.

There is a lot of bad advice, unrealistic, too idealistic or just plain crackers. A lot of people do have babies without much experience of them and I can understand how this crap advice is one of the only things they have to go on.

I actually think that family members themselves mislead me. All talk about chipping in and being 'on call' but really they just wanted to be the First to come over and hold the baby.

Similar here. Still remember my friend who arrived with enough Tupperwares of pasta that we ate it for a few days straight… and she insisted on doing the washing up for me before leaving. I felt a bit awkward but she clearly wanted to be helpful. Even my siblings offered to do a shop run en route to visiting us and they’re teenagers. I don’t think anyone would appreciate my cooking so we always send a Just Eat voucher for new parents. And offer to make our own teas when we visit.

It’s a bit sad other posters feel that expecting help from your own friends and family when you have a newborn is so unrealistic. There’s still a sense of martyrdom associated with motherhood and it seems some take pride in being able to do it all without any help. But that isn’t for me and I’m really glad that wasn’t my experience of motherhood.

I don’t think it’s a case of being misled. I think it’s more a case of reading a book, and believing that all families instantly turn into a fairytale type of family that come and clean your house and look after baby for you.
If they weren’t that type of family before, they’re not going to magically transform after.
Are people really having babies believing they aren’t solely responsible now??

It’s just another very entitled viewpoint from new mums today I think. Did your friend go off and do the same for other people when they had a baby? I’m guessing not. People come to visit to see your baby. Not take on the role of mum and let mum shirk her responsibilities.
Just don’t have a baby if you’re not prepared for the work entailed.

When I had my DC nearly 20 years ago, I thought I was incredibly lucky that my mum would come and stay once a week, for the first few weeks, get up with my DC in the morning to let me have a lie in and be on hand if he woke in the night. The reality was though, that I would get up anyway. I wanted to be up with my baby. So it ended up just being lovely bonding time for my mum. I got housework done while she spent time cuddling and gazing adoringly at my DS 🤣

I got no help whatsoever from family or established friends but from my nct group we all visited each other and brought cakes/ biscuits etc. That was really nice and I can't recommend joining baby groups enough.
I have a friend who is due soon and is in a difficult situation. Partner that won't do anything at all etc so when I go to see her/ the baby I'll take a meal but probably a fancy pre made one from m and s rather than making the time to home cook for her as I already work full time/ run my own business etc.
With my sons I would offer to help and mean it. If they/ their partners don't want me there initially I would accept that but when invited I would take food and ask them what I could do to help. I would mention this before the baby was born so they didn't just think I was saying their houses were a tip. I found it hurtful that I got no family support so I would never want my sons to feel that way. I don't just mean my family didn't load the dishwasher it was much worse than that and my mum caused a lot of issues and then sulked and didn't speak to me for several months when I had a new baby because she didn't like not being the centre of attention.

I have taken meals to the last 4 new babies I've visited parents (all friends) and they were very gratefully received. I also asked if they needed anything done in the house (which they all said no to I think our pride stops us from saying yes maybe only to say mums or sisters) I also checked if they needed anything, a drink or whatever before I left especially for those breastfeeding you get a bit stuck on the sofa so can't always get yourself something.

I done feel that was enough really, but I will ALWAYS at a bare minimum take a meal or 2 when I visit new parents. When we had our babies a couple of people done this and honestly it was the best just being able to shove an easy tea into the freezer one night.

I agree though I had my eldest at a time where there was more of a village and I've really missed it with my younger two I feel incredibly let down and isolated but I don't blame my friends/family it's society and like pps have said people just do not have the time evweyone is so busy and spread so thin these days. It's a real shame. I do think it impacts mother's mental health.

I keep seeing posts talking about how there would have been more support available in "the days when women didn't work" which is a huge generalisation. Working class women have always worked outside the home.

My 90 year old GM worked two jobs when her children were young. The youngest kids had to go with her during the day to pick fruit or clean houses (while the others were at school) and then once they were all in bed and my GF was home she'd go off to her second job. She also had her elderly DM living with her. I very much doubt she had time to be part of anyone's "village". There was no such thing as paternity leave and no expectation of fathers sharing the childcare/domestic load. She wouldn't have had access to convenience foods, disposable nappies or a washing machine either.

Everyone talks about how hard modern parenting is but I think our expectations are what makes it so hard tbh. Social media has a lot to answer for.