To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

Totally agree. People make all kind of promises. I just nodded and smiled, had zero expectations. Unfortunately l think some people do actually believe it. I had twins, my mum came to visit, suggested a nap and then did one to have some downtime herself. Leaving me to look after twins after being to during the night caring for them
Twins are now toddlers and my mum has still never ever changed their nappy. She looked after them once for a couple of minutes, whilst l went to the toilet and one of them managed to bang her head 🙄
The problem is after having twins and my family go one about “being busy” then it’s quite hard not to laugh openly at them. Honestly, they aren’t that busy. At some point they will probably want my support with some caring as lm a qualified nurse. Zero chance of me getting involved. They can either do it themselves, pay for it or suck it up -that’s what my husband and l have done for the last few years

I wouldn’t go to visit someone with a newborn without taking food if I expected to be there any length of time where we or they would need food. I would also probably take it anyway and leave a meal for the new parents.

And if it was my sister, I would have a quick wipe down of her kitchen but tbh the reality is most people “want” this help but then don’t. It’s a very delicate boundary. Social media is militant about this but the reality is most people would not walk in to someone’s house and even know where the laundry stuff or hoover is.

I was furious when MIL put a wash on after I had my second baby. What I needed was someone to wash up their own coffee cup, not rifle through the knickers I’d laboured in.

The internet has a lot to answer for

Surely everyone knows not to believe anything on social media?!

I've never heard of this or had this expectation, but then I didn't read any books like this to be fair!

None of my friends who'd had babies before me had people all over them, doing their chores and my mum's family didn't do this either when my youngest sibling was born, the family just got on with it!

I agree that it's not really reasonable of her to feel let down, and I think those social media posts are a bit insane - as if anyone would actually say "you can only visit if you bring a meal and do a load of laundry".

I'd offer those things if it was someone I knew really well and I felt they were struggling but otherwise it wouldn't occur to me to say "I'll just do some housework for you". I've held a baby for a couple of hours while my friend went and had a nap.

This thread is depressing, with so many assumptions that if anyone will help, it'll be the visiting female friends and relatives

No way would I hoover a friend's house when they have a DH capable of doing it

First two babies, no one helped. All they wanted to do was sit and hold my babies, not give them back when they cried and bitched that I wasn’t a good host. I should have put my foot down, I know.

Third baby was born in 2020. Oh, the bliss of being alone with her! She was the one who I didn’t have post natal depression with, who I had the time to bond with and breastfeed properly in the early days without family complaining that I was “hogging” her.

People don’t want to help. They want to hold a baby while you run around after them.

None of my relatives live near me .
My mum stayed a few days after my 3rd child was born but in all honesty as far as help goes she actually created more work for me .
She fusses and isn’t actually any help ?
My MIL didn’t clean or anything like that when she stayed a few days but she loves cooking so that was sorted and I got a shower 🚿baby was asleep anyway and middle one watching children’s TV .
Any other relatives just visited , held / fussed over baby and I had to cater for them

I do think a lot of resentment stems from the fact that it is mainly women expected to provide the village. I'll make a cuppa, watch the baby while mother takes a shower etc, but when the same energy isn't required of male visitors it does get my back up.

I actually did cook batch meals for someone in our church who had just had a baby, I did it a few times. There was a rota of people helping.

When I had my baby I didnt get a single one despite the fact both my parents were dead and my husband was working 6 days a week on his own business so no paternity leave for him.

So yes, some people are quite entitled and dont reciprocate the effort and it's very hurtful. I'm afraid I'm not sure I'd be keen to do it again.

It's not just social media. In my family at least people seem to use "help" as a carrot to get them through the door earlier to hold the baby. Both my mum and in laws wanted to come as early as possible and were all about being helpful. Even to the point of having huge arguments about it.

Mum expected a lift. PILs kicked off again because I didn't give them enough attention when they came to visit. No one did a single thing to help. All expected minimum of tea, we made meals and not an offer to clean up.

I remember my grandparents being so hands on and doing so much to help, I just think this generation of grandparents aren't that bothered about their grandkids or adult kids. They talk the talk "we miss our grandkids, we never see them." But actively refuse to visit when invited and make their home unwelcoming. In my family anyway. I know very few people who have good grandparents to their kids.

Who in the world would expect a guest/visitor to mind the baby and do housework?! I don't recall any book suggesting such an idea? And common sense would/should make anyone with a brain cell roll their eyes that this would actually happen!
I was born in the 60s and my mother worked and while family did support each other there was no army of women who descended to make sure the laundry was done! A 'mother's help' was the term for PAID assistance if needed.

And yet at any given time on MN, it's almost guaranteed there will be at least one post asking how to keep people away in the first few days/weeks or even once, months.
I've said it before, but I really think this social media thing of regarding new mothers as princesses who must be waited on while they 'enjoy their baby' is massively entitled and unhelpful.
Visitors - when they are allowed over the threshold - seem to be expected to cook and clean an.d make a fuss of the mother, but never, ever offer advice or as much as look at the baby.
There was a thread over Christmas on this, and a lot of posters took massive umbrage that they were not the centre of the show and people actually wanted to hold HER baby. It was page after page of 'what about MEEEE'.
Social media is to blame for it all.
We are now in the position of new parents being encouraged to actively push away the very people who should be their main source of support in the early days. It's very sad that, thanks to social media, they regard any childrearing techniques before the last couple of years to be dangerous and out-of-date and genuinely seem to think they are the experts and their parents - who raised at least two children - know nothing.

If you already have a village and are the type of person who is good at making sure their needs are met then yes this will happen.

My sil for example planned pregnancy when her two best friends were pregnant so they had a support network and requested her parents give a day each ( fil retired before she was pregnant and mil dropped a day at work) and her mil give a day (worked part time) this started as help on mat leave and then became her childcare. She would also go to her parents a lot and go nap with out any concerns.

When I had dd my ils (different dad) were our village as was my sister. However when I had ds I lived an hour from Pil and they both worked full time. My mum was ill so couldn't help and sister had moved away. So we were on our own.

youve hit the nail on the head. Many people when you’re pregnant offer to help when baby come but in reality they just want to hold the baby. So either don’t offer to help (and that’s why some mothers keep certain people at arms length because they know they are unhelpful anyway) or come through on your promise.

I personally think it’s a British thing too. In other countries family help is given in abundance to the mother, I was watching a video the other day about a Chinese mum taking care of her daughter who’d just had a baby for 30 days, it was lovely.

brits are just miserable - ‘if I had to suffer you do to’ mentality. Parents who literally won’t run the hoover round for your daughter or cook a meal should be ashamed. And yes men should do more but most get two weeks paternity and some can’t afford to take the full two weeks because of the crap pay so many women are on their own with the baby after a very short period.

I think this may have been the case in years gone by when most people lived very near to their families. In this day and age, couples are often having babies later in life with parents who are more elderly by the time Baby arrives and perhaps don’t feel able to offer care in the same way, as they would’ve done when they were younger. Also families are more disjointed in terms of geographical location, DH’s family live close by but my family are hours away so unable to “pop” in to help. I really really missed them in the early baby days of DC1.

Friends wise, I think a lot of friends are scared of overstepping the mark by offering to care for a newborn baby, even for less than an hour. The best thing my friends did when DC’s were born was come and keep me company, share some cups of tea and bring some treats and/or a couple brought meals such as lasagne that could be heated up later.

@curious79 It’s what you desperately need. Time to sit with your baby and enjoy them, while your visitor does the washing up - rather than doing you ‘a favour’ by holding your baby whilst you do it.
but virtually no one does it. It’s the way society is now - we are broken

You seem to have missed the part where there was another fully functioning adult in the house for 4 weeks post birth. The father no less. So there was no reason mum couldn’t sit with baby and enjoy them or why mum would be forced to wash up in this scenario. The only ‘broken’ bit is why a (assuming non-physically disabled) man couldn’t have stepped up and done the washing up, vacuuming and meals. It doesn’t take much to keep on top of a house and meals with 2 adults and a newborn if you are the non-birthing parent! He would have easily had time to run a vac round, cook a meal each night, wash up, pop the washing and drying on while also having his own time for baby cuddles while he held baby so mum could have a shower or hot cuppa. Why is there an expectation everyone else would do this for him and if they don’t society is ‘broken’. Do you not believe a man should be capable of this?

I think you are right but there is also that men didn't used to get paternity leave and housework was more demanding. When I had my first, 1971, I didn't have a freezer so shopping was done more than once a week and no online shopping as obviously online didn't exist, disposable nappies didn't really exist (there were some horrible ones that were basically like cottonwool in a net but they were useless) and I didn't have a washing machine so the day started with washing a bucketful of nappies. No microwave, not much in the way of ready meals.

I think with a husband on paternity leave and emotional support from friends and family it is OK for visitors not to have to do housework. With second baby I think it is great for visitors to give some attention to the older child, I did really appreciate that and I always try to do it myself, small gift for the big boy or girl and lots of attention even if I'm itching for a new baby cuddle.

Maybe different if granny is visiting.

i can’t say I ever needed help when I had a newborn. Husband was off and he could do it all. Baby number 3 slept so much we were both sitting around doing nothing.
I could do with some to come and help clean my kitchen now they are older and I juggle working full time and school/nursery drop offs and clubs

Same here except my husband had three days off. Also we live abroad and he travelled a lot for work. I had my maternity leave. Which was for me to bond with my baby. Yes the sleep deprivation was hard. I don’t understand not having the ability to cook or clean. Some don’t even shower. We live in modern houses with washing machines and dishwashers. I lived remotely so had to drive to shop. No deliveroo either. The OP had her partner for 4 weeks! And expected more help. Two grown adults and one tiny baby. Seriously. As I was breast feeding my husband never did a night feed for any of the children, he had to be up for work in any case. And would frequently be away for days on end. Wait until OP has child 2! But at least then she will know that books are lies.

Why is there an expectation everyone else would do this for him and if they don’t society is ‘broken’. Do you not believe a man should be capable of this?

I would like to know this too. He's presumably a fully capable adult man- why cant he be expected to clean his own house? why is it the female friends that must do it?

Oh yeah “if the l had to suffer” mentality is most definitely a thing. This is partly why l haven’t bothered pulling my mum up about how she has been. She would go on about how she “coped”. Hmm she didn’t especially and her mum (my grandma) provided round the clock support constantly. Plus l had twins, she had singletons. I work full time, she worked part time. I study part time for work she didn’t etc. I have more plates to spin and less time or support.

I agree that social media is responsible for building some unrealistic expectations - our expectation many years ago was that the baby was ours to look after and others to enjoy - but it does depend on what the person chooses to read and follow.
I think it’s sad that your friend feels let down especially as it sounds as if she had great practical support from her DH and this is probably why there was no oppertunity for others to offer. It may be post partum hormones affecting her view of things despite how easy it looks from the outside?

Whilst immediate hands on help is useful initially when needed, I see a village as more layers of people than just the parents shaping the child’s life with their varied experiences and lifestyles.

your friend needs encouragement now to look forward and build on a strong varied network of friends an relatives around the family

I just think this generation of grandparents aren't that bothered about their grandkids or adult kids. They talk the talk "we miss our grandkids, we never see them." But actively refuse to visit when invited and make their home unwelcoming

Yep I agree with this. Got posts on here blaming social media for mums wanting ‘princess treatment’ well the same applies to the grandparents who want the baby photos for their social media without actually helping their own child in any way shape or form.