To think new mums are sometimes misled with the amount of ‘help’ to expect

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Friend recently had a baby and was speaking to me a few weeks later about how no one had ‘helped’ her in the early days. She has a v supportive partner who had 4 weeks off and did at least his fair share and then some but she meant friends and family really. The books she had read said when guests come she should go nap or ask them to do washing etc when in reality she felt cheeky asking them that and no one offered or started doing tasks/chores around the house. Something on social media suggested saying people could visit only if they bought a meal which she apparently suggested to a sibling who came with no meal and thought she was joking. Despite having all their family come, coo and bring gifts and support them emotionally she feels really let down.

It made me think actually that all sounds like normal family behaviour and telling women their visitors will roll their sleeves up and run a hoover around or bring meals is unrealistic. Some family will and it would be lovely to have that obviously but for most people it’s them and their partner who do everything. It certainly was for us!

Well, the villagers are fed up with being told that their food, money and menial labour are welcome but they are to keep their advice and opinions to themselves. Can't have it both ways.

OP's friend sounds batshit. She had nine months to batch cook and freeze meals, and otherwise prepare her household for a baby.

I was obviously very supportive I’m not going to kick a new mum when she’s down and ask her why she’d expect that especially as I’ve seen those sort of posts myself of social media (and luckily ignored them!). I reassured her most people don’t have much help and unfortunately you just need to tag in with household stuff and let your standards slip a bit.
But I think the messaging needs to change of overwhelmingly the village isn’t there. Actually this is how you can prep, this is what might be challenging, it’s ok to put your baby down even if they’re screaming to put a wash on if you’ve run out of clean clothes or to wash the dishes if you’ve run out of clean plates. I think during pregnancy women are treated well often and looked after, told to sit down and helped with things and then post partum are expected to crack on alone and it can be a shock!

Exactly. Most of the posts on here are about having a baby bubble and no visitors for three weeks.

She had a husband at home for four weeks? Why did she 'need' visitors to bring meals and do household chores then? What was he doing all that time?

I think it depends how much she has helped other new parents.

She was misled but actually all of us could make more of an effort with this. I had very little support as family don't live nearby but when they did come, they did washing up, friends sent cook meals. I would go out of my way to offer practical support to anyone I knew having baby now, especially those without people nearby. There is no prize for being dismissive of how hard it is. Since then I have taken friend's older children out for the morning to help with post c section recovery etc.

I think it's tricky. Your friends who don't have kids aren't going to have a clue what you're going through. Your friends with kids are going to be too busy. And your own parents may have a slightly different idea about what care you're receiving elsewhere (both my mum and MIL talked about midwives taking the baby away to sleep for the first night, and my mum talks about regular health visitor appointments- meanwhile I lay for 11 hours unable to move in a bed filled with blood after giving birth, got almost no breastfeeding support after baby was 6 hours old despite sobbing to several midwives, and my one year old hasn't seen a HV since 8 weeks old)

The village still exists in some contexts but not in mainstream culture. We are part of a church in which people will provide meals for a few weeks for new parents, and where it is common to go over and help new parents out with practical and emotional support. But there are a lot of big families, and a very above-national-average proportion of single-earner families, so it is a bit of a time warp. It certainly feels countercultural when we compare with experiences of friends outside that community.

Also these snotty responses about and how many new parents has she helped? Often we don't know until we know about a situation.

the husband had four weeks off…you needed a village in the past when there was no paternity leave. Dh was entitled to one day’s paternity leave when our ds was born. I was very fortunate that my mum stayed with us for two weeks and then dh took two weeks annual leave.

I couldn't walk for more than a minute until about 8 weeks PP. I also spent 500 hours in the first 6 months attached to a hospital grade breat pump. There are lots of reasons why people need extra help.

The only social media I've seen about this is when Buzzfeed have a list of the 10 most outrageous demands made by new mums, that kind of thing. Where all visitors are told to stay 3 metres away from the baby unless specifically told to come, only stay 22 minutes and bring 3 frozen dinners.

I've only seen the expectation mocked, not promoted.

It’s what you desperately need. Time to sit with your baby and enjoy them, while your visitor does the washing up - rather than doing you ‘a favour’ by holding your baby whilst you do it.
but virtually no one does it. It’s the way society is now - we are broken. And it’s what puts people off having large families and what makes having even small ones a trial

I do actually know lots of people who were given meals when they had babies. The same friendship group didn't even get me a card, which I found really hurtful.

People are too busy these days! Both our sets of parents have retired early and are busy enjoying themselves. We had one meal cooked for us, and that was it. I just made loads of freezer meals before the baby came so it was easy to have something balanced and healthy for dinner without too much thought. No village came for us despite us having a big, close family and lovely friends. They came to have tea and biscuits and coo over the baby. Stop expecting people to do your housework! Babies don’t take up that much of your time generally that you can’t run the vacuum around once a week or put the washing on. Load the dishwasher/do little bits of washing up as you go, and you’re fine. Get a baby sling and you’re unstoppable.

Is this a TAAT?

It doesn't have to be a race to the bottom, OP. I think it's good that current literature, whether online or printed media, is acknowledging the travails of 'the fourth trimester' and are offering suggestions for shaping this challenging time in a positive way to minimise exhaustion, support healing, establish breastfeeding and ensure sufficient time for bonding ‐lovely. For many women, even implementing one suggestion of the kind you referred to, could mean the difference between stress and relaxation, feeling overwhelmed and feeling cared for, exhaustion and recuperation.

There's an unfortunate and mean-spirited implication that new mothers who attempt to assert these kinds of boundaries in order to create the kind of early mothering experience they feel will support them as they find their feet, are somehow 'princesses' or some kind of bubblezillas. Just because many of us may have struggled with unsupportive or clueless partners and overbearing or intrusive relatives who did little to actually support or offer real help, it doesn't mean that a new mum shouldn't feel able to say how she'd like her first few weeks to unfold.

These books, blogs and other media help conjure possible ways of creating a supportive space for the people who really matter ‐the new family unit.

FWIW, I wouldn't for a minute think of visiting someone who'd just had a baby a) until I was invited, b) without bringing cake or snacks or lunch, c) without offering to get shopping in on the way, and d) without at the very least washing up afterwards or similar. I've delivered meals to the doorstep of friends with newborns, and left without even ringing the doorbell because it's not about me. Having a new baby is hard, without having to worry about also accommodating the needs and wishes of other people.

You may have had a terrible experience but unless you felt unsafe and in a life threatening situation you did not have ptsd fgs…..ptsd is a really debilitating condition.

Nobody told me to expect help.
It's nice if folk can help but ultimately we choose to have a child, so he was our responsibility. It's back to folk only wanting a 'village' when it benefits them.

So who exactly is meant to be offering this village help? People with young children of thier own?

The village idea isn't a one way street -it have always found the ones that expect the most do the least to help others.

She had her partner for four weeks, that already makes her luckier than most.

I think there is so much convenience food and so many men cook now, so taking a meal had died out a bit. The dad hasn't given birth and can manage a pizza, or a microwave curry for instance.

But I do think new mums need other newish mums around them as it's so easy to forget what it was like . That's why nct groups were useful. Does that still exist.

So many first time mums ban visitors before they even give birth and then say they had no help months down the line. It can be there own doing but families can also talk but not follow through with the help they promised.

At the end of the day it’s their baby and other people have lives of their own.

I was on my knees with my first baby and an incredibly unsupportive husband, at 21.

My house had a damp issue and clothes just wouldn't dry. I bled for 3 months post birth and had a very pukey baby. There was so much washing it's still burnt into my memory, despite over a decade passing.

My lovely grandad arrived one day, loved the baby for several hours while I slept and when I woke up, had packed every piece of that washing into his car. It filled 2 bin bags. He returned it the next day, clean, ironed and folded. Put everything back away for me and sent me back to bed and has never mentioned it again. He was the only person in a family of 2 great grandparents, 4 step/grandparents, 9 aunts and uncles who would look after my children for longer than 5 minutes while I had a wee. After that, he helped in every way he could see while I got used to having a child. I needed that desperately.

The lack of support is real. I would have broken without my amazing grandad. I certainly got no support from my husband. He was the best parent to me as a child; he has stood like a protective giant at every turn possible. Everyone should have someone like him.

I don't think people have to offer this sort of support, though I always have since I was in that position. Some kind of support is needed though and books and articles should really stop saying people will be fighting to offer it. They won't. It's a bloody nasty shock, when no one, not even the baby's dad will help you with anything practical, having been told otherwise at every turn before birth.

(Yes, I am projecting. Millions of women have been in the same position though.)

I always found some of this advice bizarre. We have a number of time saving devices in the home these days. Why would you want people to bring a meal around when you live in a world with online supermarkets and Deliveroo? I realise I live somewhere quite affluent but everyone I knew had a tumble dryer so "doing a wash" was a pretty quick task as it was a question of gathering up all the babygros etc, chucking them in the washing machine and then taking them out, chucking them in the tumble dryer and then taking them out of there. It didn't involve the manual labour that a twin tub required or the effort of going out to a washing line to peg the washing out and bringing it in (and doing that repeatedly on a showery day). Similarly with a dishwasher. Yes, sometimes it would be hours between the dishwasher or washing machine finishing and it being unloaded but, when I did get a chance, it was quick to do.
What I would have loved was the chance to nap during the day but I think that that really requires family and, if they're not local or have other commitments (work or caring responsibilities) then you just have to try and push through a sleep deprived hell

Lower standards for house stuff eg dusting and non essential cleaning and it’s ludicrous to expect to do hosting beyond putting kettle (unless immediately after a c section) and shoving biscuits out

As long as hygiene areas are maintained for the safety of food and cleaning the baby and Moms healing that is all is needed.

However emotional support needed by some may vary and that does require good communication from both parents, acknowledging new fathers may also struggle.

That must have been so hard!