Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

You are grieving for your mother. It’s a small funeral for close friends. I think you should be able to have a say in who comes. When my parent died my in laws wanted to come but we had a green burial and it was literally me and my siblings (and old enough children).
I pointed out that if in laws came then I would have to also invite distant relatives on my parents side (who they didn’t like and wouldn’t have wanted there).
my in laws understood because I was the one grieving, and it was also my parent’s wish to have immediate family only.

I am actually quite shocked that so many posters think you are unreasonable. It would maybe be different if you were having a big funeral. But you’re not and your mother in law was not close to your mother so she really should respect your wishes.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss, but please be aware that your MIL may well turn up for the funeral. (May be out of touch but I thought anyone can attend to pay respects?). I agree with @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice your husband must support you and be clear that is your expectation.

Most importantly don't focus on your MIL at all, regardless. Ignore and hold onto your husband's hand if you need to. Let everyone else deal with it and take the time for yourself as you need.

My mother’s service was invitation-only; family-only for the burial. There’s no law.

I’m with OP, here – funerals are private and she should be allowed to veto MIL’s presence.

I did, yes.

My ils came to my mother's funeral. They didn't know her well but wanted to support me.

Tbh honest it would have been more helpful if they had had my son ( they were put out when we asked)

I didn’t mind them coming but I agree it's your choice. Your dh should be supporting you not sulking.

I’m absolutely positive that the person who excluded me from that funeral will be front and center at mine.
I’ll have to remind my friend who’s doing the eulogy to say something about people who are incredibly two-faced. lol

Completely understand where you are coming from. This isn’t about yr MIL, in any sense whatsoever. It’s a day to remember, and grieve for your Mother amidst and surrounded by others who felt/feel the same way. Your husband should not be making you feel uncomfortable or encouraging you to have his Mother attend. You’ve said you don’t like the woman, those sentiments would be more than enough to exclude her. I hope after a polite word to her you are left alone to face a most emotional challenging time.

So sorry for your loss, this must be awful.

the funeral is not for your mum, it’s for you - to say goodbye, and you should have it as you want.

you don’t sound comfortable with her there, DH should support you and back you with his mum. At the end of the day it’s for you to say goodbye and you need to feel completely focused on the day, without being distracted. Could MIL be invoked in another way. As others have said, look after the kids, contribute to the flowers ? Be included somehow without attending?

I can’t believe anyone here thinks YABU and I agree that your DH should definitely be supporting you. I’m so sorry.

Edited to add. I have a MIL who likes to
make things all about her. I don’t really think of her as family either.

But that's slightly different: OP has said that neither she nor her mother like(d) her MIL. So in this instance it's not appropriate for MIL to attend. I do sympathise with you being excluded from the funeral of someone you were close to, that must have been very hard on you. I do think that funerals are more for the living to say their final goodbyes in peace and the person/family organising the funeral will perhaps exclude those whose presence, for whatever reason, would cause them further upset on a day when they're least able to weather it.

Thank you, it's very kind of you, but its a small ceremony for close family and friends. DH I would have an issue with for not being more supportive of you when you're grieving and allowing her to make it about her when you need it least.

I would be very upset at being told I could not attend someone’s funeral.

If your DH is in agreement with you then fine but I’d be cautious about barring his mother. It could cause damage to your relationship and that might have far-reaching effects.

It is possible that others might attend the funeral without a direct invitation. Neighbours? Friends from the past? People you don’t know? How do you feel about that?
You can’t control every aspect of a funeral.

Depending on how petty the MIL is, don't be surprised if she writes in HER last wishes, that you not be allowed at the funeral, no mater what. Then, it will be your DH and your DC grieving with you not in the picture.

After all, you have no love for her, so zero reason for you to attend or pretend to be sorry.

That’s a good point.

It’s all rather petty and small.

I'm concerned that this issue is overtaking Op and her DH's plans, stifling reflection on the life of her recently departed mother and causing angst..
Call it quits, take the easy, non confrontational road and forget about MIL. You are allowing too much focus on her and MiL has not instigated that. Care for your closest.
Consult and seek comfort from the Vicar.

Wear dark glasses and a not too long, black mourning veil.
Thus, Op, whomever arrives unexpectedly to your mother's funeral, you will have privacy.

“I am going to need to lean on DH and between the kids and I, all of his time and attention is going to be focused on us for the day. Please don’t make this time even more difficult than it already is and just respect my mother’s wishes to keep this private.”

Your mum sounds lovely and your MIL definitely doesn't. Your DH should be considering your feelings, not his mum's. Why is he sulking about not inviting his mum when he knows that you aren't close to her and your mum definitely wasn't? Is he scared to say no to his mum?

It's so bizarre, so sad that so many people hate their in-laws.
Especially Daughter in laws to mother in laws.

A Gay friend says {probably accurately} that it's ''two women fighting over the same man''.

In name only. You have ignored the rest of OP's post which explains why she doesn't think of her MIL as family. I thought that coming from a large Catholic family, MIL would dote on OP's children, but she ignores that tradition as she doesn't bother with her grandchilden at all. As all the responsibility to help with the children fell on OP's mum, it's no wonder that she didn't like her daughter's MIL at all.

OP is the one who is grieving, not her DH. Why on earth should OP's DH's wishes be prioritised over those of his grieving wife who has just lost her much loved mum?

Because MIL is faaaaaaaaamily, apparently. Even if OP says she isn’t!

OP's MIL has never even bought her grandchildren birthday and Christmas presents and she has provided no help with childcare (this was all left up to OP's mum) so I very much doubt that they will be turning to her for support.

First of all, you cannot prevent anyone from attending a funeral service - they are public events. You could stop her from attending the wake afterwards if you wanted.
Your DHs mother wants to pay her respects, which is completely normal. In fact, it would be more unusual for her not to attend her DILs mother’s funeral! By telling her she is not welcome, you’ll be making your feelings about her very clear and this could have an impact on your DH. Is that what you really want? How will you explain her non attendance to others without looking nasty? “sorry Uncle Joe, I told MIL she couldn't come because I dont like her”.
Your DH wont need to keep her company, shes an adult who can sort herself out. But neither will you need your DH by your side for the full day in all likelihood. He wants her to go. She wants to go.

They’re not though. A funeral is a public service.