Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

OP is the person grieving, not her DH or her MIL, so her feelings are more important than theirs. She doesn't like her MIL with good reason. Her MIL has never bought OP's children any presents at Christmas and birthdays, has shown no interest in them and only turns up on her own birthday to get her present and be taken out for a meal. Therefore, the image of the warm, family oriented Catholic matriarch is entirely false in OP's MIL's case.

How dare you tell the OP what her own mum would and wouldn't want? I think that OP knows her own mum better than you do. Her mum did not like her MIL for very good reasons. OP has said:

'She doesn’t give my DC Christmas presents or show any interest in them. My mum had all of them 0-3yrs whilst I worked and showered them with love. Mil turns up near HER birthday to get a treat meal and gift from DH.'

OP wants a small funeral with people who knew and loved her mum. OP's MIL did NOT love OP's mum. She doesn't even love her own grandchildren if her behaviour towards them is anything to go by.

This has now become a win-lose situation. The focus has become on the OP ‘winning’ and her DH supporting her on the day without any distraction. Win-lose situations have a tendency to backfire. As @user1492757084 says, let it go if you can for the sake of your marriage and your future. You will always be able to remember your mum in private, in your own way; the funeral is just one event, one hour, the public-facing ritual. It doesn’t replace the memories you have or what you can do in the future as a private memorial. Your MIL may not behave in the way you imagine. You have told yourself her presence will be disruptive and therefore it will be because you will see what you want to see.

If your DH supports your MIL and not you, this is a reflection of your relationship, That will not be addressed by the absence of your MIL at the funeral.

I say this as someone who would not particularly want their in-laws at my own parents’ funeral (they haven’t interacted for decades) but would let it go. Now is not the time to draw battle lines.

I’m also shocked but for the opposite reason. I can’t believe how many funerals you must go to, how do you keep getting the time off work? Someone upthread said it would be normal to go to the funeral of a co workers parent…that seems nuts to me. Aside from that, it must be hellish expensive to cater for.

OP, yanbu to state that it is a small intimate event only for those close to her and for her not to come however I think you’ve been a bit unfair acknowledging that she is doing what is the cultural norm for her but also stating that she would want to gawk at you. You should do what is right for you but maybe it will help moving forward if you understand that you have snubbed her and a kind conversation in the future when you are feeling up to it may smooth the waters.

I do sense that there may be a touch of resentment that you have lost your mum and your husbands mum that you do not care for is still here. It’s the grief.

Wouldn't you expect Catholic culture also to mean being a loving and supportive MIL and grandmother? If so, OP's MIL has completely ignored that tradition as she has no relationship with her grandchildren, never sees them and doesn't even buy them presents at Christmas.

It is polite and normal for MIL to ask funeral arrangements with a view to coming. To support you, dh and your children if not due to her own relationship with your mum.

However if you will not find it helpful then find a polite way of saying not to bother. Stop assuming she is coming to gawp at those grieving.

"Thanks for offering to come to funeral, we are keeping it very small so would rather you didnt. Appreciate the thought"

My adult ds recently died and we had a private service with only 20 people there. We followed it up with a celebration of life the following month for 20p.
It's what he requested. Nothing wrong with that.

Surely it's pretty accurate though? Other posters who are Catholic have said that they attend the funerals of people they don't know.

Taking massive offense at this to the extent that you think it is perfectly fine to be rude and unkind to a grieving woman doesn't sound very Christian (of whatever denomination) to me.

It's completely normal to attend a funeral in such circumstances, if anything it's rude not to go. Please rethink

I'd also point out, slightly more distant guests can be useful, my sail's in laws came to mils and handed washing up!

Every funeral I've been to was had loads of people there who haven't seen the deceased in decades or are there tangentially. I've been to my friend's grandparents' funerals and that of the the sister of a colleague. As well as representing my parents at the funeral of one of their friends I'd never met because it happened to be much nearer me.

I think it's completely normal for your MIL to be there.

Whilst funerals might be public, you'd have to be a selfish boneheaded type of person to turn up to one that you'd been told you weren't welcome at.

How is it completely normal to attend a close-family-only funeral to which you’re expressly asked not to go, where you didn’t like the deceased and the deceased didn’t like you?

Not all cultures and creeds are the same and in OP’s family, whose funeral it is, it’s NOT normal to show up uninvited – but it IS rude to shoehorn in when asked not to.

OP, if you're still reading you're absolutely right that ultimately it's your final call here. But please do be aware of the long-term consequences of barring your MIL, for you and your DH. If you and your DH are willing to suffer those consequences then that's grand but don't let your grief for your mum unwittingly damage your DH's (presumably already complicated) relationship with his. This isn't necessarily just a one day decision.

She hasn’t been told at all by this stage . And op said that if she is told not to come she won’t .

When my baby DS died, my extended family wanted to come to his funeral, I said no. I didn't want to have to feel like I was on show. Them being there would have meant that I felt the need to "be strong" and stoic and not release the completely raw and painful grief that I was experiencing. So in said no to them being there. "Thank you for the offer, but no thank you".

Some people treat funerals as a day out, something to talk about after, an event. Something to go to, do and have a look at, for them. Sounds like OP especially does not want this for her mother, and her mother wouldn't choose it either. I don't blame her.

You can't ban people from public buildings, (including churches) where funerals take place, but you can choose to not publicise or advertise funeral times and dates. More and more people are choosing this now.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

The irony is, MiL will not attend if effectively barred, but you can’t account for any number of total strangers being there. Not because they’re nosy or intrusive, but because they came to attend a regular service and it just happened to be a funeral service.

This happens. Back in my church going days, I attended quite a few baptisms unawares. Such is the nature of church services.

The MIL’s culture doesn’t supersede the op’s. The op doesn’t want her there, so she doesn’t go. It’s very straightforward.

Ah, OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, big hugs x

I've got a bit of direct experience of death and funerals bringing out the best but also the worst in people, and when you're reeling from a loss sometimes it feels as though you can't do right for doing wrong x no advice to give other than to try and look after yourself the best you can as you try and navigate it all xxxx take care xxx

OP I am so sorry for your loss - it sounds difficult

I have never realised there was a 'guest list' or invitations sent out for funerals - in my background they are an open house for anyone who felt a connection, a very spiritual time.

Now is not the time to play out other grievances.

I dont think you are being entirely unreasonable but I am suprised that in the wake of your mothers death, your MIL presence is getting so much headspace

Breathe - none of this is important

Funerals.are open to all, anyway, and I can’t see this is unusual . 🤷‍♀️

I'm going to update my opinion having read more of what you've posted @Toomuchtrouble4me - and say that if you don't want your MiL at your mum's funeral, you should tell her to stay away from the funeral as your DH will be needed to be your support on the day and will not be available to her on the day so it really would be best if she passes on her condolences to you directly or via a mass card (very commonly used in Catholic services) or condolences card but not to be there on the day.

Again, sending you lots of strength and support for the days and weeks ahead.

If this is a church funeral rather than held direct at a crematoria or graveyard.
In all the years I have worked at the back for funerals I can only ever recall one that was NOT open to the public to attend. That was beyond exceptional circumstances and at the absolute insistence and behest of the police. We used tickets during lockdown to ensure that we complied with government guides for funeral numbers. All other church funerals were open to all who wished to come and pay respects. The seats at the front are often reserved for more direct family mourners. Those who wish to pay respects are seated at the back.

if you are thinking of a church funeral please speak about possible complications with the priest. Every priest is aware that funerals can cause such family complications and they may well have someone like me at the back ready to ‘run’ and be ready to distract and divert as well as provide a box of tissues.

To be honest I couldn’t tell who was at my mum’s funeral and I didn’t care. It was one of the worst days of my life that I got through on autopilot. Would your mum have wanted you to make it all even worse for yourself by worrying about something that you won’t care about on the day. Your bloke’s job is to look after you and keep her out of your way.

Very sorry for your loss, first of all.

My story: when my mum died, my ex-husband (about 2 years post-divorce at this point), his mum, his dad & stepmum and one of his brothers all came to her funeral - to support my kids and me. Theirs was a "pleasantries once or twice a year" type of relationship and none of us religious. When ex-FIL died a year ago, I attended his funeral as the mum of some of his grandchildren. His own ex wife was also there.

I think you're being weird and exclusive tbh but grief affects us all differently. Hope you're ok.