Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I agree with the above.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Your grief is palpable. I find it sad that you are embarrassed about your emotional expression at your own mother's funeral.

Big love = Big grief. Its OK to release and process that.

Its also important to recognise that anger is a confusing part of grief - you may feel it, express but be careful where you discharge or target it. Give yourself some breathing space - dont expect too much of yourself. Its exhausting and can leave you highly irritable with a sort fuse - so be kind and gentle with yourself.

There are obviously different cultural, social and religious norms and you have every right to decide what works for you and your family - invite only or open house. Thats not the issue.

I do find it grim tho that you have been derogatory and offensive to another religion. That isnt necessary.

Sorry OP but I'm totally in support of your mil being there in support of you & her son on the day of the funeral if that's her instinctive feelings.

Sorry for your loss of your mother, OP 💐

I went to the funeral of a dear childhood friend where (some) very close family members were not welcome.

Based on my dying friend’s wishes and the adult children’s own experiences, the moment to say goodbye took place without the interruption of unsettling family dynamics.

No doubt a difficult decision, but one I did not judge.

I think most families would expect their extended family to go to a funeral. Funeral’s aren’t usually invite only but open to people to pay their respects and support the family and friends at a difficult time.

💪I'm sorry to read about your loss, and sorry to hear your DH is sulking whilst you're dealing with the immediate shock of your loss but that's no doubt because he's been raised to feel guilty if he disappoints his mother. You and your mum are what counts at her funeral.

I lost my mum a couple of months ago - if your relationship with your MIL was better I'd suggest she is coming to support you. I had friends and work colleagues at my mum's who had never met her but who were there to show me their support and I'm very appreciative.

I think in your scenario I would be turn with your DH and say you are not comfortable with her being there and given it is your mother, what you want trumps what he and MIL want.

However if she ignores this and decides to come you need to make your DH understand that his role in the day is to support you not his mum.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP, and I hope you get to have the peaceful funeral that best suits you and your mum and helps you get through that sad day in the company of the people you chose. I also hope DH does indeed support you.

I feel if MIL turns up she will make it all about her, and will monopolise your DH so I am quite ok with the idea of invites only and keeping the funeral details away from those you'd rather not see.

You have made up your mind.

This will likely cause upset with your DH and MIL - but that's the compromise you will have to suck up.

To minimise the fall-out and prevent any escalation for you - I suggest that YOU communicate it very sensitively, politely and gently to your MIL.

Just say its a private invite-only funeral and your mothers wishes.

Do it soon so its not weighing on your shoulders. Dont get your DH to do it as he will likely relay his dismay.

Then move on to focus on your family and your grief. Dont risk this be a distraction or a projection. You will feel better doing it quickly, directly with dignity.

Disagree. Absolutely not OPs responsibility to deal with DH's mother right now. It's his responsibility and he needs to take that on and look after his wife in her time of grief.

Would your DM want her there? That's how i would decide.

I think you've made the right decision, and I say that as a Northern Irish person and we attend EVERYONE's funeral.

I can see why your MIL wants to go, due to her Catholicism. But your needs absolutely trump hers and your husband should be ashamed to be sulking with you over this whilst you're grieving for your mum. Shame on him.

I really hope she respects your non-invitation and allows you to grieve in peace and in privacy.

All the best xx

Same here.

My parents and my PILs barely knew each other. On the very few occasions that they met (our wedding, christening of children) they got on well enough but none would have even thought about going to the funerals of the others. They just didn't know each other well enough for that.

It was the same in my family growing up. My maternal grandma would not have gone to my paternal grandparents' funerals nor vice versa. It wouldn't have been expected at all. They too barely knew each other.

So I find this a very odd and uncomfortable discussion that OP is having to have. I think my approach would be that if MIL wanted to come I would just let it happen. I would let it happen because being so pointed about telling someone that they are NOT invited would be a very hurtful thing to do. The relationship with OP's MIL may not be great, but this would cause irreparable damage, which I would not want to do.

Usually funerals aren't events that actual invitations are issued for anyway. You announce the time and date and people either come or don't. It's not that closely controlled. The "invitation" is quite a loose concept, if you really want to call it an invitation at all. It is simply a statement that this is when and where people may come to pay respects to the deceased person.

Funerals are for those left behind. That’s you. You’re going to need your DH to be supporting you, not entertaining her. If she was the sort who could take the kids, I would think it might be feasible, but clearly that’s not going to happen. I think they both need to listen to what YOU need. This is going to be hardest on you so I think you need to stand up to DH and get him to tell her to back off.

Would your DM ban her? That is the other question.

I’m sorry for your loss.

find it very normal for a MIL to attend a funeral in this situation. Unfortunately, I expect that preventing that might cause irreparable harm to the relationship.

Your mother, your right to say if you don't want someone there whose presence you would find pointless and unsettling at this time. Just tell her and your DH she is not to come; her desire to attend because it's part of her religious culture does not trump your feelings and wishes on the matter.
So very sorry for your loss

It doesn't matter what the OP imagines her deceased DM might or might not have thought when she was alive. MIL should have the grace to accept it's a very small close-knit funeral, she didn't have a close relationship with DM, her only connection was via DIL, and so simply wish her DIL all the very best at this difficult time. If MIL insists on making this about her feelings of entitlement to be there then yes it might well cause irreparable harm to the relationship. Because the relationship was not strong enough to bear something that a true loving relationship should have been able to.

There are other ways to honour someone’s memory.
You can take food to their family or donate to a cause that was important to them.

I was excluded from a funeral once.
I wonder if you realize how painful it is to the person you’re excluding, @Toomuchtrouble4me— and how unnecessary it is to single out someone from attending just because you dislike them.

In your situation, did you have a close relationship with the deceased?

I’m with you OP. It’s your decision to make. I did something similar a few years ago and have never regretted that decision - whether others approved or not.

Is the MIL pushing?
Has her DIL let her know that it is an intimate family gathering of eight?
She might just have expressed her wish to attend, assuming it was the most respectful thing to do for DIL.

She might understand completely and not worry about not being among the invited six people.

Can her son request that his mother stay home until a certain part of the tribute, say, until the wake? Could she be given a helpful task, like putting the plates of food out ready?

How do Op's late mother's work aquaintences, neighbours and the like, feel about the funeral being invite only?
Are there other sad people who also will be impacted by the small guest list?

I know when both of my parents died, some of the people coming out of the woodwork who hadn’t had anything to do with them for years and years felt like circling vultures to me. (Not without reason. One of them literally stalked me after the funeral and asked me when “we” were going to the lawyers to have the will read - like a) they were in it and b) it was an American tv special.)

The pain caused by the pointed exclusion would be exactly what I would worry about. It would be the very reason why I would not stop MIL from coming, even though I would find it odd. For me, she could come, but I would be very clear with DH that I expected him to be there supporting me first and foremost.

I do hope that OP gets the funeral she is hoping for for her mother.

I was excluded from a funeral once on the basis of not being a blood relative. Although it was never explained to me, I got the fact that this was the blanket rule so as to exclude another non-blood relative and my exclusion was collateral damage and irrelevant to the person imposing the rule. I got this because I was actually much closer to the person who had died than the person doing the excluding was, I knew the backstory and dynamics, so I went to our favourite pub and ordered the favourite drink of the person I was mourning, raised a toast, shed some tears, and then had a good chuckle about the fuss the funeral had caused from the usual suspects. I could do this because I was actually close to the person who had died and was not up for trying to make someone's family funeral about me.

@Toomuchtrouble4me OP, I know exactly where you’re coming from. My in laws came to the hospital before my mum died and her funeral and the behaviour, from my MIL in particular on those two occasions, is why I have been no contact since (more than a decade now). The last time I saw or spoke to them was the funeral and to this day, I really regret that they were there. It was a devastating experience made so much worse by their presence. Look after yourself and be with your family. Your MIL needs to respect your wishes.