Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

There's enough anti Catholic bollocks on the internet.

So no, I'm fine thanks.

You do you.

DH is sulking about it.

Tell him to stop sulking and tactfully interact with his family to stop them from showing up at a private ceremony when they are not invited. He must know that the bulk of the work and the grief falls on you and he should be alert to what he can do to lighten that burden - but if he isn't coming up with ideas on his own, TELL him.

Perhaps he can brainstorm a way to let people who are part of your circle - his family, colleagues, neighbors, etc. - but weren't personally close with your mother pay their respects in a kind of formal/group manner?

I'm so sorry for your loss. The fact that your DH is sulking about this is the odd thing here, why is he sulking? Is it because he disagrees with your stance on it, or is it because he knows it will cause his mum to be offended and doesn't want the aggro?

Both those things are very different..

If he disagrees with you then he seems to think you completely overthinking this and she will just turn up pay her respects and go without causing a scene as most people would do at a funeral.. if he thinks it will cause offence to MIL then I'm sorry but you and your grief trumps his mums feelings, and he should be supporting you 100% so which do you think it is?

FWIW if my DH pressured me into having someone I didn't want at my mums funeral then spent the day placating and supporting her instead of supporting me I don't think I would ever get over that.. it would very well be a relationship ending moment in fact.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If it's going to be a very small and intimate funeral, I don't think your MIL would mind if this is explained to her. People sometimes go to funerals because they feel they have to. Once it's explained to her that it's private, she will offer her condolences in another way.

I agree with you, @Toomuchtrouble4me (and I'm from a very large Irish Catholic clan) and I hope your DH supports your decision. This is about being able to grieve collectively and privately for the person you love. DH needs to clarify it now with his mother so that you can start to emotionally prepare for the day and not be hijacked by her self-absorption.

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum and I hope the day is filled with love and respect 🙏

I think you are being reasonable.

It's not about the wishes of your MIL . It is about your mum and you and this is the last thing you will do for her- so do as you know she would have wanted.

When my mum died, her SIL (brother's wife) who had been really unkind to her at times (and to me) and had no contact with her since my uncle's death three years earlier- despite living in the same street less than 10 houses away- decided she wanted to attend the funeral. She was elderly herself and caught me as I was going into my mum's house to tell me she was coming and ask could she get into a funeral car with me and DH.

I said she was not to attend, that she and my mum had not been close and that I would not want to see her there. It was about people who loved and liked my mum saying goodbye to her and given she had not seen my mum or bothered to pop round or ask about her all the time my mum had been unwell, I felt she was not one of those people.

Her two adult children did come and were very welcome- they always visited my mum if they could call in without their mother seeing them and being very off with them about it. They apologised for her behaviour in asking and for the way she had treated my mum (who was never anything but kind to her because my mum loved her brother and always wanted to keep the relationship good for his sake) but that wasn't necessary at all.

They came back to my mum's house afterwards too. I had baked/cooked everything that was my mum's favourite things and used her best china and set out a tea I knew she would have loved. It was a lovely occasion- people who loved and cared about her, her friends and family, talking about her, sharing memories and laughing as well as feeling emotional at times. My aunt would have sat and pretended to be part of all of that love and affection and it would have been a lie and disrespectful to my mum.

Yanbu at all.
Sorry for your loss.
Let your husband sulk. (What an arse).

I’m with you completely on this OP. We lost someone very close to us and I hated that people who really didn’t care, showed up like it was a day out, expected to have our attention, were nosy, chatted away quite happily and ate food. It made a very difficult day so much harder to get through.

I guarantee that you’ll go over and over it and be angry with yourself for not stopping it turning into something you and your mum didn’t want if you let MIL get her way. It’s something that still makes me upset many years later, I don’t feel at peace with it at all and don’t think I ever will and it’s an awful feeling.

So… Don’t have the regrets that I do. Have the day as you want it, the day that you know your mum would prefer. Tell your husband to stop prioritising his mother, who is absolutely fine, rather than his wife who is grieving. I’d find it very hard to forgive his behaviour.

Look after yourself. 💐

Maybe it’s a west of Scotland or working class thing @violetsunrise. For the third time, I was commenting on cultural differences and using my mum’s funeral as an example, not telling OP what she should do.

I'm a Catholic and I think you're being very unreasonable and hurtful towards a grieving woman.
It's not how I was taught how to behave in either of my Catholic schools or my church.

God is love, his the care, tending each, everywhere

I think after 25 years of marriage, I understand my MiL’s motivation a damn sight more than you!!!
she would be gasping more than paying respects, that I say with 25yrs experience vs your zero knowledge.
This thread was really helpful but now the nasties are arriving so I’m off as I really don’t need it atm.

So you agree that Catholics only have to nod at someone at a bus stop in order to go to their funeral?

Or do you think that was bollocks?

@unlikelywitch Oh I’ve plenty west coast blood in me and I’m very working class 😀I was just pointing out that it may not be a cultural thing at all, given that we’re both from the same neck of the woods. Some people want a small, private service and the next might want something bigger.

If it IS a church service, whether CoE or Catholic, there is a chance absolute strangers will be in attendance because they turned up to celebrate daily mass and it just happened to be a funeral mass (I know some quite devout Catholics who attend multiple services a week, including my late mum).

The prospect of total strangers being present at the service but one's actual MiL having been effectively barred does seem a bit discomfiting to me but presumably OP has considered this possibility and is okay with it.

I'm sorry for your loss. It seems very natural to me that your MIL would want to be there at the funeral to pay her respects. But I don't know the history and if you strongly don't want her there then ask you DH to speak to her. But I wouldn't read anything strange or negative into it that she is expecting to go.

I was under the impression funerals were public events and you couldn’t ban people from attending. Certainly churche and graveside services are public.

I can understand wanting to keep it private; I grieved privately too. I accepted the funeral was a public event and said my goodbyes separately.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing your mum blows a hole in your world. Your MIL’s attendance or non-attendance won’t change that.

We know your opinion, and that of your DH. (who would also be experiencing his own grief, having known your mother well and loved her.)
Have you asked your children whether they would like MIL to attend, and informed them that she would like to come?
I liked seeing my other Grandpa at my Granny's funeral. I was not as close to them all in the same way but I felt like kin.

Everyone has a different relationship to your deceased mother. Two children of the same dead parent are often remembering different times and grieving in their own way.

Your DC had a unique relationship with their grandmother that you are not privvy to, as did her friends, cousins, bothers-in-law etc. You are experiencing the most loss but everyone has the right to grieve your mother and feel her loss. That is to be remembered when we respect everyone who attends a public funeral.

Whilst I am sorry for your loss and am yet to lose my mum, I think you may be BU.
It's not really your choice who comes as it wasn't your life.
Your main reason is you don't want your MIL to see you upset it appears.
I'm not in a position of judgment but just observing your posts.

@IPM I can see why you’re upset, bad choice of wording, but there’s many Catholics posting on the thread saying the same in a less blunt way. It’s certainly not my opinion. I don’t think it’s a denominational thing, I think it’s more a generational thing. My granny’s generation would go to anyone’s funeral they vaguely knew, they’d have thought it was a slight on the person if they weren’t seen to be there.

I'd say it's generally considered a mark of respect for the in laws to go to a funeral of one of the other parents. Bit like a wedding really, there's a set list of family members you would expect to see at one. My parents came to both my in laws funerals as they went first. I think it's more a mark of respect to the son in law in this situation rather than being nosey Parker's

I think that people these days are respectful of the wishes of the chief mourners. If a funeral is announced in church and the time is given, then quite possibly some people (the regulars!) would turn up (my father called these the ghouls!) but if it wasn't, they wouldn't. In my church they sometimes announced funerals and other times didn't. We had two ghouls at my father's funeral, a long time ago and none at my mother's, 25 years later.

Maybe it's different where you are from, but I'd say even in the very strongly catholic area where I'm from, things have changed over the last 30 or so years.

Times change, it's not all or nothing.

I think it would be normal for your mil to go, just in support of you and your dh. I attended a funeral last month in respect of my DHs uncle. I’ve barely met him myself, but my dh was close to him and visited him one day every week after work. But I went in support of my dh, and he wanted me there. It’s pretty normal imo.

The Op is the grieving woman, not her MIL

Just because it's the way things have been done, doesn't mean it's right or it's the way it should continue.

If people leave wishes, they should be followed. Funerals should be about the closest family members. It is ridiculous to expect close family members to defer to the wishes of people that aren't that close to the life of the person. People wanting to pay respects and attend a funeral are not more important than close family and loved ones.

I was told I would cause a family rift if I didn't allow people to attend the funeral and "grieve". I don't care a jot. I would have carried out the wishes of my DF and not had a service if that's what his dying wish was.

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Fuck them.

This is really for you to sort out with DH. I do also find the way Catholic funeral rituals and traditions have been spoken of here really unnecessary and offensive

I initially thought you were being unreasonable, but from what you say, she is going to monopolise your husband's company and her looming presence may make you feel a bit stilted in how you grieve.

I am sorry that you have lost your mum x