Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

This is correct. I am puzzled by the people equating laws/ rules around marriage (the ceremony is an open event, technically, to allow the opportunity for genuine objections) with funerals you do not even have to have a funeral. Many funerals are open events, but in England and Wales you can have a private service if desired.

There are many comments here talking about their norm/ how they may be offended, and not thinking about OP and her grief here.

If a funeral is held, it should reflect the person who has passed away and be genuinely helpful to those who loved them who are left behind.

I have attended funerals of different sizes, and where j had differing levels of closeness with the person who has passed away. I would only go to a funeral where I know I would be welcome/ wanted. Where I could offer support, and say my genuine goodbyes.

I am glad that OP has found this thread useful for clarifying why she feels a certain way, and what she needs at this time.

But gosh, some people on here - searching for the smallest thing to be offended by!

OP's MIL showed no respect for OP's mother in life. They were not friends and OP's mum disliked OP's MIL for the way she treated OP and OP's children. OP's mum told OP who she wanted to attend her funeral and she didn't want OP's MIL to be invited.

OP is honouring her mum's wishes.

she just likes to make everything about her. I don’t want her there like some sort of spectator to our grief.

OP I’m so so sorry for your loss.

However you are really being extremely unreasonable writing things like this. Your MIL wants to pay her respects to your mum which is totally normal and traditional.

If you don’t want her there, I think your wishes should be prioritised in this instance. , but there’s no need / place for attributing these kinds of motivations when your MIL is simply wanting to do something respectful and normal

I know you said that your DH doesn't understand why you want such a small funeral given he goes to many and they aren't restricted in this way but that isn't the point. He needs to support your decision because you are respecting your mum's wishes: it's that and your ability to grieve in peace that's most important, not what he thinks should happen or is the norm for him. It's not as if you're having a massive free for all but MIL is to be excluded.

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him he shouldn't have so many to his mum's funeral, it's too expensive, why are you inviting X, you do know they didn't have a good word to say about your mum etc etc It's unwarranted interference, not support at a time when it's most needed.

Hard disagree.

Funerals are for the living. Some of us recently went to the funeral of a workmate's mum. We went to show our support to our workmate, who was very touched that we did.

We only went to the church, not to the crem or the afters.

It doesn't sound like the MIL wants to support the OP.

If you are still reading OP, I completely get where you’re coming from. My DM died during the pandemic, so we were only allowed 20 people at her funeral but the grief that day was overwhelming.

Of course this is about what you want. Why the heck should someone who didn’t have a relationship with your DM get priority over your feelings?

its simply a different culture / way of doing things.

I think OP’s needs / wishes / culture trumps in this instance. But the anger and nastiness about the request is totally unreasonable.

But OP is grieving , and grief is not reasonable

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐
You clearly love your Mum very much and know her better than anyone.
You are doing exactly what is right for you and your Mum and that is all that matters.
I’d do exactly the same thing.

Your MIL won’t be offended she’ll just have FOMO …. Completely different

The op has lost her mum.

Why on earth can't her personal preferences trump those of her mil? Why do her mil's feelings have to come first?

No, op. Stick to your guns. This is your mum. Your grief. Your preferences. Your needs.

I'm so tired of reading how other people's needs and wants trump those of new mothers / parents and the bereaved.

So sorry for your loss @Toomuchtrouble4me and so sorry for some of the responses here when it’s such a difficult time for you. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. @newmum1976 has summed up a lot of what I’ve seen over the years. Some people do come to gawk when it’s a funeral of someone they barely know. It’s a day out, bit of excitement. I’ve actually seen people racing across a graveyard (while the funeral cortège makes its way solemnly along the path) to get a good spot near the grave. Attending every funeral is dressed up as respect where I live. It’s not. There should be respect for the family first and foremost. They bear the real grief. Your wishes come first, not your mother in laws.

Why should your mother in law be upset if she’s not invited? It’s ridiculous. Why has she such a strong need to go against your wishes? Your mother’s wish for a private funeral trumps everything.

You are clearly grieving and your emotions may be all over the place, understandably. . It’s your husbands mother not a neighbour from 5 streets away. I’m sure your husband will support you on the day and it seems your MIL wants to attend to pay her respects to her DIL’s mother, and possibly even support you. You may be pleasantly surprised. I would be surprised if she is coming for the sole purpose of gawking, why would she bother to waste her own time to do that? My mother passed away recently. There were people there that I never knew but they came to pay their respects. I was pleased that people took time out of their day to say goodbye to my mother.

Not unless they were friends.

I would not want people I don't know at my mother's funeral.

It's the op's mother.

It's her grief.

Why is it what you / others want is more important than what she wants at her mother's funeral?

It is incredible how utterly selfish people are when it comes to intruding on other people's grief. You are saying you are more important.

Unbelievably crass.

@NannyChirley I think the op knows her mil far better than you do. And is able to predict her mil's behaviour more accurately than you can.

And you can pay respects to the dead at any time. Not just at a funeral. All this public performance. It's embarrassing.

I am very sorry for your loss, OP. I am from another culture so I refrained so far from contributing to this thread, as I felt I won't be of any help.

But these words, I think are not right - "This day is about me, and mum."

A person's funeral is not a day for her and her children alone. It's not a wedding day or a christening. It's the final farewell of the human she was, in this world. In my culture, even sworn enemies are permitted (unless they arrive with intention to harm someone or explicitly stated by the deceased that they are not allowed to attend) to pay their respects and ask for the forgiveness from the dead person, since it is the last time they can do so before the physical form vanishes.

If a family member stops someone from attending without good reason (for e.g. I've told my husband that my childhood abuser is not allowed to attend my funeral), it is considered as cruel, classless and vindictive. And can often lead to fractured relationship with the family of the one excluded (in this case - your husband). Is this the hill you are choosing?

I don't think you are unreasonable. I have a drama lama MIL myself and I empathize with your posts. I know you are grieving, but this is my 2p, feel free to throw it away if you want - unless your MIL has done something truly terrible to you or your mom, my suggestion would be to let her pay her final respects to your mom. If she creates any drama, you can remove her from the premises - warn of this consequence well ahead to your husband, so that your MIL understands what will happen if she tries to create drama.

Just to give you the opposite perspective. My mum and dad wanted to attend the funeral of my dad’s brother’s wife’s mother as a sign of respect and were told they weren’t welcome by my uncle’s wife. They were incredibly hurt not to be able to pay respects and support my uncle on the day.

not saying anyone is wrong just that many people will understand why your MIL and DH are upset.

How on earth can it be unreasonable for OP to say that the day is about her and her mum? OP was extremely close to her mum and her mum provided all the support and childcare when OP's children were small. OP's MIL doesn't even know the dates of the children's birthdays, never buys them Christmas or birthday presents and never visits. OP's children have no relationship with OP's MIL. OP's mum disliked OP's MIL for all these reasons.

OP's mum also told OP exactly who she wanted to attend her funeral. OP is carrying out her mum's final wishes. You are basically saying that she should put her neglectful MIL's wishes before the wishes of her deceased mum.

OP's MIL won't be attending to pay her respects or to ask for forgiveness from the dead person. She just expects to attend the funeral as that is how it is done in her culture. OP has said that she will monopolise OP's DH's attention so she wouldn't have her DH by her side to support her if his mum attended.

You are talking about scenarios of what to do if OP's mum causes any drama at the funeral and how it could be dealt with. Why on earth should OP have to consider that sort of worry when she is saying goodbye to her beloved mum?

Her MIL is truly terrible, due to her ongoing and constant selfishness and neglect of her grandchildren, not because of one dramatic incident. OP is doing the right thing by prioritising her own and her mum's needs and wishes with regards to the funeral arrangements.

I find this concept of controlling who attends funerals peculiarly English. In Ireland, people routinely attend funerals of neighbours, acquaintances, distant relatives, etc, as a mark of respect. No one would dream of turning anyone away, or having any say in who attends. It seems at best churlish, at worst very rude, to tell your MIL or anyone else to stay away. On the day, you will be in your own bubble of close family and concentrating on your own feelings. Don’t worry about who else is or isn’t there. If she’s Catholic, most likely she wants to go to pay her respects, as that is the cultural norm for Catholics. It’s not worth obsessing over.

For what it's worth I'm English, CofE by tradition through and through and I find it very odd and unusual too. I know in England we don't tend to go to quite as wide a range of funerals as in Ireland but I've never known one be a closed event.

And here we have it again.
Stating that the cultural 'norm' of the mil (i.e. everyone goes to every funeral) is more important than the wishes of both the deceased and the bereaved daughter.
Arrogance over compassion.

@Toomuchtrouble4me its not really anything to do with anyone on here- or even your show- this is your decision and you have made the one that is right for you.

fwiw I felt the same. Difference being that my kids were little when my Mum died so the ILs had babysitting duties which meant they couldn’t attend the funeral.

hope everything goes smoothly

I think it would actually be doing your children a favour for them not to maintain a relationship with these people, they sound absolutely unbearable.

Sadly I'm familiar with the type - sanctimonious, overdramatic bores obsessed with imagined slights (just as your posts show you to be).

OP YANBU. Many PP seem to be generalising or basing their reactions on their own family circumstances ,whereas you know your MIL and what she's like. Well done on reaching your decision.

But it’s not OP’s family’s cultural norm! And, whatever your culture, surely everyone can agree that the culture of the deceased takes precedence. It doesn’t matter a jot what MIL’s culture is: it’s literally not her funeral.

It doesn’t matter if you find it “peculiarly” English, which sounds a little as if you think the Irish way is better. There is no better: just different.

@ AaaahBlandsHatch

I'm surprised how many people think 'this funeral is about me and my grief ' is not ragingly narcissistic.

I think funerals are about the bereaved and their grief actually. Not narcissistic in the least.

It's a rite of passage, a finality, the last goodbye.