Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

Hiding this thread now. I'm not surprised the OP has stepped away from it. Very unsettling to see how determined some people are to be really unpleasant to the OP who has just been bereaved.

Predictably some posters are more concerned about making the husband and his mother feel better, at the expense of the person who is bereaved and trying to honour her own mother’s wishes for her funeral.

That does not show compassion, it’s just more sexism.

The comment about "nanny" is definitely snobby and informs the interpretation of several other comments.

It’s not his mother, it’s OP’s! OP has lost her mum and people rather her go against her mum’s wishes and her own to allow someone who would not be supportive to OP and who didn’t even like her mum and her own mum wasn’t keen on MIL.

His feelings do not trump OP’s and neither does his mother’s. He should be supporting his wife at this time, not making an issue out of his mum not being at his MIL’s funeral.

How some think his feelings matter more than OP’s is crazy.

Sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

To be fair my mums best friend of 50 years couldn’t attend my mum’s funeral due to distance and her own old age. It meant the world to her that she could watch the live link. She was and still is a massive support to me so although it wasn’t to my taste, I was happy for her to be able to view the link.

Did you read the op? The MIL doesn't have a relationship with her children. Why would she ask them if they want her there? She's a stranger to them.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the day of your mums funeral goes exactly the way you, and she, would want it to. Much love to you 💐

Cause irreparable harm? The op for all intents and purposes has no relationship with her MIL. Nor do her children, and nor did her mother.

So that shouldn't even be a consideration to the op, as it rightly isn't.

The MIL doesn't care about her son's family one iota by all accounts. So her feelings are of zero importance.

I very much feel for you, @Toomuchtrouble4me - for the loss of your lovely mum naturally, but also because I had a MIL like this (not catholic, but utterly self obsessed and capable of making absolutely anything about herself). After she attended a funeral but was discouraged from the private committal and made a scene, the point arrived where mourners would try to make sure she knew nothing about them

FWIW I get all tthe suggestions about her being asked to understand that DH's role is to support you, etc, but sadly they don't take account of the way these people work, and since DH already has the hump because you'd rather she stayed away it's possible he could prioritise her attention seeking instead out of "solidarity"

Overall my own view is that as chief mourner this one's down to you, and I hope that at such a difficult time others can see their way clear to respecting your wishes

I really think that in this day and age use of technology at funerals is becoming commonplace. My DPs entire funeral was livestreamed as many of his good friends are scattered across the world. I recorded my eulogy on video to be played in the chapel because if I'd tried to speak on the day it would have just been one long wail.

Funerals are very personal and while I appreciate a certain level of etiquette we live in strange and interesting times.

I've only had to organise the one, and I hope any future ones like my Dad's will be more straightforward, as I was pretty traumatised by DPs. But I'm sure everyone meant well..... 🙄

I really feel for anyone trying to navigate the whole thing with various difficult family dynamics and the like. I can't really judge because it's so complicated and distressing, and some people do appropriate the occasion for whatever reason and don't think enough about the most immediately bereaved. Ultimately it's something that has to be got through and processed, and it sucks.

Calling op weird is so unkind when she's going through one of the worst times in her life.

You don't need to voice all you are thinking.

I can't believe the meanness directed towards a newly bereaved grieving daughter.

Some people on this thread should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

I'm glad op left this unkindness is the last thing she needs.

I'm from a similar background to those above saying YABU. It's your mum, I'm sorry for your loss. YANBU.

Yes in your situation I agree but these links seen to be shared willy nilly, often on social media it just seems so inappropriate.

Fine if there are a handful of extremely close family and close friends who can't attend but the links should not be shared and put on public Facebook pages like it's a public spectacle imo

Then you don't have to do it - but don't judge other people for doing things differently to you.

Logic that could be applied to the OP's situation!

Absolutely staggering thread. OP says 'can I do my mum's funeral the way I want?' and loads of people say 'no, screw what you want, do the thing you don't want that will please other people' 🤡

Oh I agree. I don't think some people can grasp the complexity of these situations and how painful it all gets. The OPs situation is no win whichever way you slice it, and it's really hard when the immediately bereaved are being told "it's not about you" when actually it really is in these moments. Intense grief is a horrible maddening thing to live with and takes a long time to process.

O FFS your obviously a nightmare mil!

It is not the MILs mother that’s died or her husbands mother, it is the OPs mother, she can feel however the fuck she wants to feel. If her so called close family members can’t understand and support her, it says far more about them than her!

The way you speak about op using the opportunity of her mothers death to exclude her mil is just disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself for thinking anything of the sort.

The term is Platelickers I believe.

Hard disagree. I was raised catholic in a large family, and quite a few relatives and acquaintances were well known for 'going to the opening of an envelope'.

For a lot of the older ones it was primarily a social outing. A chance to catch up with free tea and sandwiches.

Exactly. Invited or not it is so disrespectful to show up in death when you never did in life.

The terms are friends and family, I believe.

Im sorry for your loss, but i think you are being ridiculously if not offensively dismissive of reasons your mil wants to attend funeral. Genuinely cannot understand your point of view. Id think your mil is respecting your mother by attending her funeral. But up to you.

Please remember OP has just lost her mum and be kind.

Also Mil doesn't even know the dates of her gc's birthdays.
Mil doesn't give a fuck

And I think you are being ridiculously and most definitely offensively dismissive of the OP's reasons for not wanting her mil at her mother's funeral.