Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

You have provided a lot of support for the OP with her concerns about her MIL attending the funeral of her mum but you were spectacularly rude about her DH and I'm not sure why.

People choose to respond to an OP and the OP is under no obligation to acknowledge every contribution to the thread, particularly a thread as long as this one and when the OP is feeling very fragile and upset.

Leaving the thread in a huff kind of negates your previous support for OP as does your character assassination of her DH.

we only get one mother
husbands ?

Will nobody think of the poor menz?

I'm not surprised at all to see they're of Irish heritage OP, your posts betray a snobbery towards Irish customs that I've seen many times on MN. Starts with disparaging comments about anyone they've met at the bus stop, moves to describing funeral attendance as gawking, then denying she's part of your family (you and I have very different views on marriage it seems) and then culminates in this:

She’s not known to them as grandmother, my mum was/is will always be Grandma, she insisted on ‘nanny x’ a term I can’t abide, but it was her choice so that’s who she is.

Do what you want re the funeral but I think you need to own your own part in the poor relationship you have with your MIL.

You were unnecessarily rude about the OPs husband. I'm not sure how you thought your post was going to come across, given what you said. Rather thank flouncing, an apology to the OP would be more fitting.

She hasn't betrayed a snobbery at all just explained why her dh's family go en masse to funerals but she doesn't. It's fine to have different priorities.

The op's dm has died she deserves a bit of kindness and respect not criticism of her relationship with her mil.

When my mum passed away 2 years ago we had a tiny funeral with just immediate family and our partners. It was really lovely (and obviously very emotional). Keeping it so intimate meant we all did readings, my sister sang a song and we had no pressure of having to chat to random people/distant relatives before or after the service. It was a perfect and beautiful send off.

We had a few relatives ask if they could come and we just explained we wanted it to just be immediate family. They were quite surprised but accepted it.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mum and encourage you to do what feels right in your heart. Considering your are not close to, and don't like, your MIL l wouldnt be inviting her. I totally hear you on not wanting people who weren't close to your mum there. We felt the same, like they would be just there for the spectacle. This is your moment to say goodbye, not to feel preoccupied by people you don't want there.

My mum died tragically and far too young - keeping her funeral very small was our way of protecting her as well as ourselves.

Keep digging…

You said ‘I've read all your earlier posts.. You have never once until this very post said you or DH were actually going to tell her you would prefer her not to come..’

When OP actually said in her very first post ‘I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

So you should apologise to OP.

This has to be one of the most hypocritical posts I've read for a while.

OP is carrying out her mother's wishes about who she wants to attend her funeral.

OP's MIL has shown no compassion or generosity of spirit towards OP and OP's children since she married her DH. She doesn't even know the dates of OP's children's birthdays, she never gives them presents and she never visits apart from once a year on her own birthday to collect her own birthday present and to get OP's DH to take her out to dinner.

Since OP married her DH, her MIL has had two weddings. She didn't invite OP's mum to either of them, so all the wailing about them being family is ridiculous and completely one-sided.

I can't believe the number of people who think they have the moral highground while attacking a grieving OP who has just lost her mum. Your post is disgusting.

In your post of 14:12 OP you have listed the people your DM said she wanted at her funeral. Those were her wishes and people should be willing to abide by them now she has passed away. I'd concentrate on it being what she wanted and you honouring that wish for her. I am sorry for your loss. Ask your DH to deal with his mother. Concentrate your energies on making the funeral what your mum would have wanted and remembering her in life. I hope it provides you with some comfort.

@PrincessofWells what a horrible post to direct at the OP at one of the most difficult and distressing times of her life. You should be ashamed of yourself.

@PrincessofWells , what OP is proposing is to respect and follow her mother's specific wishes. That's not remotely sad. It's the correct thing to do.

I am sorry for your loss. You are obviously devastaed at her loss. Sadly, you obviously detest your mother in law. Maybe she has always felt this and has kept her distance.

She may be a comfort to your children.

My mother in law (probably met my Mum about 7 times) attended my Mums funeral. My children remember how Grandma gave them cuddles at Granny's funeral. She took them off to the local park on a cold winters day to let them have some normality. She drove 4.5 hours to be there. I and my children saw her in a completely different light.
She had always come across as a bit of a dragon incomparable to my soft, gentle Mum.
By the way my Mother in Law was CofE and my Mum Catholic.
Both had large numbers at their funerals as they were both greatly respected in their communities and loved by many.
I learnt little acts of kindness that both these amazing women had done for others. I realised that with both these remarkable ladies had lives and experiences that had happened before they became parents. I learnt these things from people who came to pay their respects on the day of their funerals

No one can tell you how to act when you are grieving. Remember you are not the only one who will miss her.

'she may be a comfort to your children'

I doubt it, the op has said - 'She doesn’t give my DC Christmas presents or show any interest in them.'

I don’t think @PrincessofWells post lacks compassion at all. OP doesn’t want her MIL at her mum’s funeral despite her DH’s thoughts on the matter. However, OP feels strongly that DH must support her on the day of the funeral. OP has also said that she would be very happy not to attend her MIL’s funeral and for DH and her children to attend by themselves; in other words she would be quite happy not to support her DH at the time of his loss but expects him to support her fully and without distraction.

OP is clearly grieving for the loss of her mother but what some posters are warning against is not to throw a hand grenade into what is already a delicate situation.

There is clearly a massive back story here and we only have the OP’s side.

It's not the right thing if OP doesn't want her there.

Archaic formalities and social norms are there so MIL doesn't look bad and OP doesn't feel disrespected. OP doesn't feel disrecepted and would feel disrespected if she came so therefore she shouldnt go.

I can honestly say that I've never read such a nasty set of posts on Mumsnet, where so many people are sticking the knife into a grieving woman. And so many of them claim to be catholics - the Catholic church that I was brought up in taught compassion and love for others, something that seems missing on this thread, especially towards the bereaved

The problem with grief is that it can make you angry and resentful that others get to live their lives while your loved one has died. Perfectly natural but that anger and resentment can have far-reaching consequences.

I have a family member who excluded many people from their loved one’s funeral. It caused a great deal of upset and a breakdown in relationships at an already challenging time. Years on, those relationships never fully recovered and the family member now feels some regret about their actions. They wanted to control proceedings at a time when they felt totally out of control which is totally understandable but caution is needed at a time when emotions are running high. The OP can tell certain people to keep away, for sure, but there will be an impact. That’s all some posters are saying.

I'm NC with my in-laws. I would not want any of them at my mum's funeral (she's my last remaining parent).
Thankfully my dh would agree.
They made her cry on occasion, so no, they would not be welcome at all.
Couldn't care less what they'd think about that to be honest.

Her mother left clear instructions for her funeral and who she wanted there.

Anyone who takes exception to OP respecting those instructions will be no loss to OP, I'm sure.

OP has also said that she would be very happy not to attend her MIL’s funeral and for DH and her children to attend by themselves; in other words she would be quite happy not to support her DH at the time of his loss but expects him to support her fully and without distraction.

@JaneAustensHeroine The OP answered someone's question, asking her how she would feel if her MIL were to leave instructions requesting the OP not attend her funeral when the time comes. OP said that she would happily respect those wishes if her H felt it was best.

You've taken what OP has said out of context and are using it to suggest completely different intentions. Why?

Who the fuck insists on or kicks up a stink about going to a funeral when the next of kin have said ‘we’d rather you didn’t so please don’t’? Beggars belief.

Sometimes mothers in laws feel side lined. OP made a comment about mother in law showing up near her birthday. I make be misinterpreting this as she is not included in things. This may ofcourse be the mother in laws choice. Who knows the family dynamics? Each member will have their own understanding of the matter.

My husbands brothers wife always went to her side of the family for Christmas, Easter, birthdays and went on holiday with them
We tried really hard to see both sets of grandparents in equal amounts of time. It was difficult as one lived 5 hours away snd the other 8 hours.

I had only wanted to point out that everyone is multifaceted and that my personal experience I found my mother in law helpful on the day. I did find it hard as my mother in law was 20 years older than my mum when mum died. In my grief I felt it was unfair that my mum had died so young !

Posters asked OP what would happen if her MIL said that she didn't want OP at her funeral. OP has said that she would respect her wishes and not attend.

OP's MIL has never been involved in her grandchildren's lives so they hardly know her. She doesn't know when their birthdays are and has never bought them birthday or Christmas presents. OP's mum did all the child care to support OP and her DH when the children were small.

OP has no reason to like or respect her MIL. OP's mum disliked OP's MIL because of the way she treated OP and the grandchildren. They weren't friends and had no relationship. OP's mum told OP who she wanted to attend her funeral and OP will respect her wishes.

Half the people on this thread, it looks like. A lot of posters seem quite brutal in their insistence on their right to attend any funeral they like. Such an odd flex.