Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

So are you going to actually tell her that you would rather it be a private, intimate funeral just as your mum wanted??

You would really rather her turn up completely oblivious to your wishes and be turned away at the door instead of just telling her you would prefer her not to attend, as much as she sounds pretty cold and uncaring towards you all as a family, she isn't a mind reader.

You've already said she won't come if you ask her not to come, so why don't you just ask her not to attend? Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

Exactly. And if you divorce - they are not family, so they never were. It’s great you live them like family. But they are not. Families have shared dna. My children are her family, (even though she doesn’t know when their birthdays are) but I’m not, nor was mum.

The Catholics I know wouldn’t do it either, but numerous Catholics on this thread have posted that have posted that they do in fact attend funeral from a sense of community. I don’t know what cultural demarcations are the relevant ones.

The theology I quoted is sound. I am not sure what your father who was in training for the priesthood, or my uncle who was a Jesuit, have to do with anything. I am comfortable citing my own long years of Catholic schooling, however.

@Toomuchtrouble4me Do what you need to do. Stop the gawkers, the freeloaders, the grief-hawkers, scabs and trouble-makers. I don't know if you're having her funeral in a church - I would advise against that unless she was actually truly religious and had it in her will/told you how she wants her Memorial Service to go. I am surprised - I have learned from this thread that the UK is as much deeply religious as America is. I never thought I'd say that. Where I am many funerals are non-religious, not in a church but in a hall or centre. I genuinely thought the UK was different from America.

I know when my mum dies (darn, she keeps saying 'oh I want this song at my funeral, and that song, actually I have thought of another one - I'm thinking at this point, her funeral will be a 3 day event) it will be graveside small service then a big wake we will book at a local hall. No church. No religion. Just burial with a Celebrant officiating at the graveside (plot double deep dug, mum's coffin will go on top of dad's who died in 2016), then the wake (which will last for hours and hours if mum doesn't pare her song list down) straight afterwards.

How dare you! Judgemental, ill informed and rude.
Not at all. Status? Food and drink? I can assure you he has status and has never needed a free meal in his life. His family and mainly 2nd generation Irish friends just have big funerals and a big wake and it’s the done thing to attend and have a celebration of life afterwards. I understand that.
its just not my choice.

Good grief no - of course she’ll be told! If you read earlier posts you would know this, I appreciate there are a lot but I have explained that everyone invited is told not to share details. I’m not sure if DH will tell her or if I will. He can decide that. And it will be done respectfully.,

Ok, that is not how I meant it to come across. I've been supporting you all through this thread. I've been supporting you and advocating for you and your needs. I'm sorry that you felt that way about that post.

I've spent a lot of time defending you and having your back in this thread, with no acknowledgement from you. Or thanks. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered if that's your response. I think I'll hide this thread. And just tell you my thoughts are with you for the day. Goodbye.

Yes, he has dementia. I’m not worried about if she would bring him or not as I’ve made my mind up now that she’s not coming.

The UK is multi cultural, some communities are deeply religious and adhere to strict rituals, others don’t. Many British people who would describe themselves as “Church of England” if asked were not necessarily brought up to be religious and their experience of church tends to be weddings, Christenings and funerals. Hence the ignorance on this thread about the public nature of church services!

Most funerals, if a family choose to hold one at all, are not held in a church anymore though. The concept of a church funeral is irrelevant to this thread too.

It’s not that I haven’t ‘bothered’ this only came up yesterday and I need to discuss with DH and process. Don’t assume we haven’t ‘bothered’
My DH is struggling to understand my perspective, that’s all. As 49% of people on here are. At the end of the day when push comes to shove he’ll have my back.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I hope your DH can see your point of view and support you as you need. X

You’ve got it in a nutshell.

I too know many Catholics, having been raised Catholic, attended Catholic schools and pretty much surrounded by them, even now, years after I lapsed. I do not recognise your description of Catholic behaviour, as not attending funerals of people they don't have a "deep connection to". That is simply not my experience as the veteran of many Catholic funerals, including in the recent past. The very nature of a Catholic mass also means that there is a chance randoms WILL accidentally be at the mass, having thought they were coming along to a regular mass.

I'm in Scotland, btw. Maybe things are different in your area, but assuredly, there have been Catholics (and non-Catholics) at funerals I've attended who were there to pay respects, and knew the deceased only conversationally. There were people at my mum and gran's funeral (both Catholic and otherwise) who had never met either of them but were there as a show of respect and to support the family members.

I’m stepping away now. Thank you for varied perspectives.

You obviously feel very strongly about it, ask dh to tell her not to come or phone her yourself and tell her that it’s a quiet intimate funeral with close family only, end of.
but I really do think you are focussing on this too much!

IdylicDay · Today 17:03
I know many Catholic people, my father was once in training to be a Priest (before I was born, obviously, lol - long story). And they never, NEVER go to a funeral unless they actually knew the person. It is not the done thing to go to random stranger's funerals, Catholics never do that. Ever. And this is 2025. No one, no even Catholics these days go to the funerals of people they did not have a deep connection to. Maybe in the 1950s-1970s they did. But not in this actual modern world. Its actually an anathema to them. And that is aside the fact that almost no one is an actual true practicing Catholic, and those that are know better than to intrude on a grieving family they have but a passing connection to. Its actually anathema to what Catholics stand for.

What a lot of bollocks! An anathema? almost no one is a practising catholic?

To "bury the dead" meaning praying for the soul of the departed, attending their funerals and visiting their graves, is one of the seven corporal works of mercy in the Catholic Church.

Does she just want to come to be nosy? Fair play then to saying not it's close family only.

Hopefully she (and your DH) won't go against your wishes and turn up - would she be able to get there on her own?

I'm catholic and there definitely is more of an everyone welcome approach. But each to their own.

I've read all your earlier posts.. You have never once until this very post said you or DH were actually going to tell her you would prefer her not to come.. you've spent most of them talking about what a horrible person she is, and what it would be like if she did turn up, and not once said that you would actually give her the opportunity to do the right thing.

I'm glad you are going to, Most people would understand, given the chance.

Also raised Catholic over here. Even though I don’t go to church at all (or even believe..!) - it was instilled in me that a funeral is for the grieving family members rather than the deceased. I would go (quietly, and tucked at the back) to the funerals of close friends family, even if I had never met the deceased -
it’s a show of love and support to the mourners - and obviously one ducks away early on in the wake unless there is an obviously helpful task one can undertake.

that being said I think it’s extremely legitimate to say to someone like your MIL “I really want to focus on saying farewell to my mother and I would rather not be worried about looking after people who didn’t know her well - I hugely appreciate the offer of your support but the best thing you can do for me is to allow me space on the day - and if you want to help then you could insert childcare / car park attending / catering job

I find this badgering of the recently bereaved OP so awful.

I come from a family where large funerals are the norm, and so does DH.

But I totally understand OP wanting a private funeral. Grief is a personal thing for many.

OP’s FIRST post literally says:

‘I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.’

So you’ve just embarrassed yourself.

Yes. This type.

The type who would go the the graveside despite not being close to the person being buried, just plain nosey.

I knew someone who's mother was like this.
Grief vampire.
Ghastly.

Not embarrassed at all..

Saying, "AIBU not to invite her, I'm happy to tell her she can't come" then going on to list all the things she will do when she does come and "what if she does this" and "if she comes she will do this etc", and saying multiple times how horrible she is and how her DH isn't in agreement and thinks his mum should come over OPs objections, and how she will take over the day and monopolise her DH, and how she will be getting the crematorium staff to not let her in.. and then saying things like "if we ask her not to come etc" is definitely not at all the same as saying "me or DH are going to respectfully tell her not to come".

Despite being asked multiple times, she has only just said they are actually going to ask her not to come, but sounds like problem solved.

@Ariadneefron yes that's how it would pan out in my family too.

This has to be one of the saddest threads I've read for a while, not just because what Op is proposing is lacking compassion, foresight and any generosity of spirit but sadly because the ramifications for her marriage are not good. What a position in which to put her own husband.