Page 20 | Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

Toomuchtrouble4me · 2025-01-01T22:58:53+00:00

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family. My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc. MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there. DH is sulking about it. For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

WorriedRelative · 02/01/2025 16:09

We had my mother's funeral this week we are CofE. Both of my in laws attended and my sibling's MIL and BIL attended.

My MIL did not know my Mum well, they met a few times but probably hadn't seen one another for a decade.

They came to support me and DH and to show their respect. It was nice of them, even though I'm not terribly close to them.

I know you want small and private but it can be very comforting to have the support and love of other's there. I was surprised by people who hadn't had direct contact for years attending but without exception it felt kind and supportive rather than intrusive.

SemperIdem · 02/01/2025 16:10

Itiswhysofew · 02/01/2025 15:27

You, not DH, tell MIL that the people attending your DM's funeral are those she stipulated only, and you're following through on her wishes. MIL is not exactly active in your life, so she shouldn't be too offended. Maybe DH could keep her company on that day?

Why would op’s husband need to keep his mother company, on the day of his wife’s mothers funeral?

There’s only one person in this scenario who needs support!

saraclara · 02/01/2025 16:21

I know you want small and private but it can be very comforting to have the support and love of other's there.

MIL does not love OP. Nor does she show the slightest interest in, or even a tad of affection for any of them, including her own grandkids. Quite apart from the fact that OP will not feel supported by her (quite the opposite) NEITHER SHE OR HER MUM WANT/ED her to attend and OP would feel the absolute opposite of comforted if MIL does attend.

Why are you not taking in anything that OP had said?

Ladybyrd · 02/01/2025 16:28

It's all about boundaries. As if you would be making a thing when your DIL has just lost her mother? The socially acceptable response is "What can I do to support you?"

derxa · 02/01/2025 16:31

Does MIL have a partner OP

BeTaupeBear · 02/01/2025 16:34

Im so sorry for your loss.
This is the last thing you need right now… surely DH sees that?
He should have your back and speak to his mum. All he needs to say is it’s very limited guests as per your mums wishes but if she wants to send flowers I’m sure that would be appreciated.
I don’t see how it’s a big deal she wasn’t close to your mum and if she wants to be supportive she’d respect his you wish to mourn. Honestly you don’t want to look back at this time and feel your DH wasn’t supportive I think it would make me resentful.

Original poster

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 16:35

I never said that Catholics Gawk - I mentioned the Catholicism as part of my understanding as to why my DH view funerals very differently to me and my mum. The Gawking was specifically in reference to my MiL, because I know her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 16:38

VexedofVirginiaWater · 02/01/2025 15:00

I realise that funerals in churches/crematoriums are officially public events, and if people are so crass as to go despite being requested not to, then they can't be stopped. The wake afterwards is private though, the trouble is, people often put the venue at the bottom of the funeral service leaflet so everyone knows where it is anyway. If someone knows you want a small, private funeral, but thrust their presence upon you anyway under the guise of "showing respect", I would argue that they are in fact showing the opposite of respect by flouting your wishes and those of the deceased.

About the videoing though OP, I get the impression that this was more a thing during the pandemic when funeral attendance numbers were so restricted. Mum died right at the beginning before funeral directors and crematoriums had got used to the idea and I was videoed struggling with Dad's wheelchair and going into and out of the chapel. Someone even panned round all the mourners inside the chapel. Later on, I was sent a video by someone whose wife had died and I had known her very well, he wanted me to see the video and it was much more tastefully done, from high up at the back of the chapel, so you could only see the back of people's heads unless they were speaking, you didn't see them going in or out. I think also after a certain amount of time the video was inaccessible and you couldn't download it, I still don't like the idea of videos, but this was far better than what happened at my mother's funeral. I have even known of people doing a group photo in the graveyard after the service - so fucking tacky.

Edited

Yes, I wasn’t thinking of Covid. I’m sure it makes sense in some circumstances, with careful and respectful editing. But not for me.

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 02/01/2025 16:38

I can’t imagine hating someone so much. I feel for your DH; could you not tell him you need his full attention all day and he must leave her to mix as best she can.
As others have said, you can’t stop her attending the church.
Oh, and your children are not ‘half Catholic’. There is no such thing,

irregularegular · 02/01/2025 16:40

WorriedRelative · 02/01/2025 16:09

We had my mother's funeral this week we are CofE. Both of my in laws attended and my sibling's MIL and BIL attended.

My MIL did not know my Mum well, they met a few times but probably hadn't seen one another for a decade.

They came to support me and DH and to show their respect. It was nice of them, even though I'm not terribly close to them.

I know you want small and private but it can be very comforting to have the support and love of other's there. I was surprised by people who hadn't had direct contact for years attending but without exception it felt kind and supportive rather than intrusive.

Yes it can be comforting. But I think the OP can mak her own judgement on what she will find most comforting. For her that is a small funeral.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 16:41

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 14:58

Yes, my DH goes to loads. And tbh if I ever had to arrange his funeral, it would be open house, everyone he ever knew, free bar afterwards, that’s him. I’d do what he would have liked.
But it’s not mum’s style, or mine.

Show quote history

It sounds like your husband goes to them for the status and the wake and food/drink. I honestly would look favourably at him if I were you. Where I am, even if funerals aren't private, you don't go there unless you had an actual connection to the person. Your husband sounds like he's taking the piss and doesn't care about the deceased or family, he just thinks its some sort of carnival and food and drink thing. I wouldn't want to be married to such a shallow and self involved unthinking person like that. It sounds like he truly thinks funerals are some sort of grand community fun event.

nationalsausagefund · 02/01/2025 16:44

Pottedpalm · 02/01/2025 16:38

I can’t imagine hating someone so much. I feel for your DH; could you not tell him you need his full attention all day and he must leave her to mix as best she can.
As others have said, you can’t stop her attending the church.
Oh, and your children are not ‘half Catholic’. There is no such thing,

I don’t get hate from OP’s posts at all. I get someone grieving who just wants to organise the funeral her mother wanted, that suits her style of mourning, and is having to add justification amidst a thread pile-on.

It doesn’t sound like MIL would attend the church anyway if asked not to. Instead, she’ll make a song and dance about it during an incredibly difficult time.

Itiswhysofew · 02/01/2025 16:48

SemperIdem · 02/01/2025 16:10

Why would op’s husband need to keep his mother company, on the day of his wife’s mothers funeral?

There’s only one person in this scenario who needs support!

Show quote history

Because he's focusing on his mother more than anything, so maybe he should stay away from the funeral along with her.

!

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 16:48

Itiswhysofew · 02/01/2025 15:27

You, not DH, tell MIL that the people attending your DM's funeral are those she stipulated only, and you're following through on her wishes. MIL is not exactly active in your life, so she shouldn't be too offended. Maybe DH could keep her company on that day?

The whole point is, as the OP has already said, @Itiswhysofew , that she NEEDS her husband supporting HER, on the day, not supporting her MIL. She wants the support of her husband, she doesn't want her husband distracted by her MIL and abandoning her to be with her MIL. She needs her husband with her. Not with her MIL.

WorriedRelative · 02/01/2025 16:49

irregularegular · 02/01/2025 16:40

Yes it can be comforting. But I think the OP can mak her own judgement on what she will find most comforting. For her that is a small funeral.

Show quote history

Hence why I used the word can

sandyhappypeople · 02/01/2025 16:50

Ladybyrd · 02/01/2025 16:28

It's all about boundaries. As if you would be making a thing when your DIL has just lost her mother? The socially acceptable response is "What can I do to support you?"

no one is 'making a thing' though.. MIL doesn't even know all this debate is going on because she hasn't been told not to come, she has expressed a wish to come and no one has seemingly bothered to tell her that OP would rather she didn't. I'm not sure if OP thinks MIL should read her mind and know she wouldn't be welcome, but as shown on here, when it comes to funerals, people assume it is an all welcome sort of thing unless told otherwise.. At this point MIL has done nothing but express an interest in attending.. she isn't going against anyone's wishes because she isn't aware there are any wishes.

OP says that if "MIL is told not to come she won't come".. so all this back and forth debating the MIL is a pointless waste of time.. it's OPs DH which is the massive problem here as he doesn't agree his mum should be 'left out', but OP seems much more interested in arguing about different peoples beliefs about funerals and is completely ignoring any questions about her DH not backing her up which is where the problem lies.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/01/2025 16:50

Pottedpalm · 02/01/2025 16:38

I can’t imagine hating someone so much. I feel for your DH; could you not tell him you need his full attention all day and he must leave her to mix as best she can.
As others have said, you can’t stop her attending the church.
Oh, and your children are not ‘half Catholic’. There is no such thing,

MIL isn't invited so she won't be mixing with anyone. I love the way that your sympathy is directed at OP's DH rather than OP who has just lost her much loved mum and is grieving.

I don't think OP hates her MIL but she does dislike her, as did OP's mum, for being an awful MIL and grandmother to OP's children.

OP's mum left her very specific instructions about who she wanted to attend her funeral and OP will carry out her mum's wishes. That means that her MIL will not be invited.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 16:51

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 16:41

It sounds like your husband goes to them for the status and the wake and food/drink. I honestly would look favourably at him if I were you. Where I am, even if funerals aren't private, you don't go there unless you had an actual connection to the person. Your husband sounds like he's taking the piss and doesn't care about the deceased or family, he just thinks its some sort of carnival and food and drink thing. I wouldn't want to be married to such a shallow and self involved unthinking person like that. It sounds like he truly thinks funerals are some sort of grand community fun event.

Show quote history

*wouldn't ....look favourably at him. I didn't make it in time for the edit.

Sunholidays · 02/01/2025 16:53

sandyhappypeople · 02/01/2025 16:50

no one is 'making a thing' though.. MIL doesn't even know all this debate is going on because she hasn't been told not to come, she has expressed a wish to come and no one has seemingly bothered to tell her that OP would rather she didn't. I'm not sure if OP thinks MIL should read her mind and know she wouldn't be welcome, but as shown on here, when it comes to funerals, people assume it is an all welcome sort of thing unless told otherwise.. At this point MIL has done nothing but express an interest in attending.. she isn't going against anyone's wishes because she isn't aware there are any wishes.

OP says that if "MIL is told not to come she won't come".. so all this back and forth debating the MIL is a pointless waste of time.. it's OPs DH which is the massive problem here as he doesn't agree his mum should be 'left out', but OP seems much more interested in arguing about different peoples beliefs about funerals and is completely ignoring any questions about her DH not backing her up which is where the problem lies.

Show quote history

This

Original poster

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 16:54

I never said that Catholics attend to gawk. I said that the catholic upbringing makes it hard for DH to understand why funerals aren’t a huge affair with all welcome. It was to give perspective of our differing views.
The gawking comment was specifically about my MiL - I know her, her behaviour patterns and her non relationship with my mum. They have never shared a phone call, been to each others homes, had a coffee, not even a Christmas card, nothing. There is no relationship, she wants to be part of ‘the event’ and to gawk. That is not due to her Catholicism, it’s her character.

OP posts:

poetryandwine · 02/01/2025 16:56

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 16:41

It sounds like your husband goes to them for the status and the wake and food/drink. I honestly would look favourably at him if I were you. Where I am, even if funerals aren't private, you don't go there unless you had an actual connection to the person. Your husband sounds like he's taking the piss and doesn't care about the deceased or family, he just thinks its some sort of carnival and food and drink thing. I wouldn't want to be married to such a shallow and self involved unthinking person like that. It sounds like he truly thinks funerals are some sort of grand community fun event.

Show quote history

This is quite a leap.

Numerous posts on this thread have explained that funeral attendance is a Catholic tradition. In part it is rooted in the Catholic belief that praying for God to have mercy on the soul of the departed is a good thing. Each prayer may shorten the time a soul spends in Purgatory, and each soul you pray for may help you when you die. In that sense many Catholics do think of funerals ad community events. Presumably God’s omniscience helps to keep the hypocrisy in check.

We know nothing about OP’s DH except that he feels caught between his wife and his mother in a situation that is beginning to sound a bit complex. (I agree that were his mother to come to the funeral 100% of his focus would belong to his DW)

Original poster

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 17:01

Cynic17 · 02/01/2025 15:20

Funerals are public events, OP, so technically you can't stop anyone from attending.

I can, and I will. I’ve spoken to crematorium staff. They can arrange an attendee list for a private funeral.

OP posts:

newmum1976 · 02/01/2025 17:03

I feel so sorry for you. I would feel exactly the same. My MiL would be attending to watch how everybody was coping, to pick fault at anything she didn’t like, introduce herself to anybody who would let her and then take back any gossip to her friends. She would not be there to pay her respect. I hope you can persuade her to stay away.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 17:03

poetryandwine · 02/01/2025 16:56

This is quite a leap.

Numerous posts on this thread have explained that funeral attendance is a Catholic tradition. In part it is rooted in the Catholic belief that praying for God to have mercy on the soul of the departed is a good thing. Each prayer may shorten the time a soul spends in Purgatory, and each soul you pray for may help you when you die. In that sense many Catholics do think of funerals ad community events. Presumably God’s omniscience helps to keep the hypocrisy in check.

We know nothing about OP’s DH except that he feels caught between his wife and his mother in a situation that is beginning to sound a bit complex. (I agree that were his mother to come to the funeral 100% of his focus would belong to his DW)

Show quote history

I know many Catholic people, my father was once in training to be a Priest (before I was born, obviously, lol - long story). And they never, NEVER go to a funeral unless they actually knew the person. It is not the done thing to go to random stranger's funerals, Catholics never do that. Ever. And this is 2025. No one, no even Catholics these days go to the funerals of people they did not have a deep connection to. Maybe in the 1950s-1970s they did. But not in this actual modern world. Its actually an anathema to them. And that is aside the fact that almost no one is an actual true practicing Catholic, and those that are know better than to intrude on a grieving family they have but a passing connection to. Its actually anathema to what Catholics stand for.

PrettyParrot · 02/01/2025 17:04

I'm very sorry for your loss OP, and understand your feelings from my own experience.

DM died. I had enough trouble getting DF to let anyone know that a funeral was happening, let alone worrying about who to 'invite'. In the end I didn't invite anyone - a notice was put in the paper and people turned up. Fine, didn't care.

Now the relevant bit: DMIL (English, not religious) was apparently waiting patiently to be invited and was very hurt that I didn't. This was explained to me later on and I have to say, I didn't care and was also relieved to not have had to worry about her and DFIL all day, because they are both hard work and I would have had to support them at my own mother's funeral. I couldn't face it and was relieved retrospectively that I didn't have to. DH did get it and eventually got her to let it go - she's never spoken of it to me. Again, I am completely fine with this.

Look after yourself OP xxx