Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I can't believe the way some other people are responding to this. OK, maybe if this was going to be a big, open to all, type funeral then trying to exclude your MIL might be considered rude and not really worth the grief, unless she was likely to be particularly difficult. But when the deceased and her children all want the funeral to be close family and friends only (not colleagues, not neighbours, not random cousins) then it is more than reasonable to say that MIL is not part of that and should not attend. Suggest she sends flowers, or makes a charity donation as a mark of respect instead.

OP I’m very sorry for your loss.

At this time of grief do follow what you instinctively think is correct. If you and the other mourners feel that a very small and private funeral is what you need, and what your mother would have wanted, then absolutely do that.

There is no right or wrong. Your MIL will have to not put her wishes above yours in this situation. I

I know of a few families who had very small and private services, and then bigger memorials. Perhaps this might be something to consider but you must do what is best for you and your closest family

I am very sorry about your mum.

I hate funerals (and don't want one for myself), precisely because for me, if I must grieve, I wish to grieve privately, and, under such circumstances ;'hell is other people' putting pressure on me even if they regard it as 'support'.

So I sympathize with your feelings!

But I can see that it is more difficult to exclude one particular person. Could you present the funeral as a private one, for only close relatives of your mum to attend?

Alternatively, could you make it clear to your dh that you will need his help and support throughout, so even if MIL comes, he can't look after her? I hope he would accept this, even if he hasn't the guts to actually tell MIL not to attend.

Funerals are public events, OP, so technically you can't stop anyone from attending.

I see that you are presenting it as a small private funeral,, but could this be made more formal and explicit?

I've never heard of 'inviting' or banning people from funerals. People are free to turn up,and often do so in suprisingly large numbers.
My own mother wouldn't want me to be getting in a flap about this, in your situation OP. Do you really think your mother would care?
I'm very sorry for your loss and hope the day goes as well as possible for you and your loved ones.

You, not DH, tell MIL that the people attending your DM's funeral are those she stipulated only, and you're following through on her wishes. MIL is not exactly active in your life, so she shouldn't be too offended. Maybe DH could keep her company on that day?

My father has the same take on it and has seen it at many of the funerals he has been to of people he knew. He has told me when he goes, he wants to go straight to cremation and doesn’t want a funeral because he doesn’t want people using his funeral in such a way or in other words as a reunion when they couldn’t be bothered to see him when he was alive and he comes from a massive family.

My mother’s side are the same way and are more reserved like OP’s. My grandmother didn’t want a funeral and we respected her wishes and she was cremated.

OP has spelled out many times, that her mum DID care, and in fact spelled out exactly who she wanted to be present.

Which is why it's insane that half the people on this thread don't give a damn about her mum's wishes.

This thread is almost beyond parody now.

Genuinely baffled at how so many people feel entitled to lecture OP how she should arrange her own Mum's funeral, because it suits their beliefs of how these events are supposed to work. Why is it so hard for people to understand that not everyone is the same?

There's some really odious emotional blackmail on here, dressed up as cloying concern with dire warnings about causing future problems. God forbid we upset the social norms, or run the risk of upsetting "the wider family" who aren't invited, whilst blindly ignoring the wishes of the deceased and her immediate family.

I'm surprised we haven't had a delegation of Mumsnetters insisting on having the time and date, as they intend to exercise their right to pitch up under the banner of paying their respects.

This thread is almost beyond parody now.

Yep. Add me to the baffled, and to the frankly incredulous.

Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with your husband. How awful of him putting this pressure on you at this time.

I would stick to your guns. I would also be prepared for the eventuality that she will turn up despite being told its invitation only. Have a plan for how you’ll handle that. Maybe ask for AI advice on what to do so this doesn’t all blow up.

Could you say to her something like "The funeral is going to be very small and for my siblings and grandchildren only, as she wanted. We are asking the rest of the family and friends to lit a candle or give a donation to X charity instead. It would mean a lot to me if on the day of the funeral you could go to your local church and lit a candle for her". And hope for the best.

If she doesn't know anyone else-will she be expecting to chit chat to you & your husband after the funeral?

Anyway @Toomuchtrouble4me I really hope the funeral goes well and that your husband can provide the support that you need. If your MIL has any grace, she'll accept being told not to attend.

I wouldn't think of inviting my MIL to my mother's funeral. I wouldn't think of inviting my mother to MIL funeral. They met twice, at our wedding & DS baptism.

What one religion does, doesn't ride roughshod over another's. I attended a Muslim burial recently. We observed their customs; not ours.

You do what's best for you, OP.

Me and my best friend have a pact that whoever dies first gets to steer away the undesirables from our funerals. Some of these people include family.

If your mother wouldn’t have wanted her there then I agree, keep her back. I don’t get why you’re getting so much push back on it. Being there under the guise of ‘paying respects’ but never having bothered her backside with your mum before her death wouldn’t wash with me either.

OP has said that her mother would care and definitely wouldn't want OP's MIL to be there. OP's mum made it very clear who she wanted to attend her funeral. She told OP not to inform her former colleagues of her death until after the funeral as she did not want them to attend. OP has said that her mum wants her own children, her grandchildren, her siblings, nieces, nephews and a select group of dearly loved friends.

I can't believe that people are telling OP to disregard her own mum's wishes about who attends her funeral.

This. My mother is a drama llama, and makes everything about her. Once she turned up to a relatives funeral (not hers) and sat sulking and crying in the car because her children supported the actual bereaved, and not her.

OP can tell her MIL that she is not invited. If her MIL turned up anyway, I doubt that OP would manhandle her from the church, but OP would be extremely distressed.

You can have low key private funerals. You just can’t have them in a church. The OP hasn’t said where her DM’s funeral is taking place, if it’s somewhere where it’s permitted to restrict attendance, all well and good.

I thought the etiquette is anyone else is free to attend a funeral; whether they are invited to the 'wake' is another matter. Loads of people turned up my mother's funeral - my dad sent out messages to as many people as he could - even though she'd been ill for years and had had little to no contact with many of them for a long time. Not all came back to the house afterwards, even some family members didn't, but we all appreciated the support and feeling she was well respected and remembered fondly. To be fair, none of us were absolutely grief stricken, as we'd seen her decline for ages and were relieved her suffering was over.

I've been to quite a few funerals of colleagues and acquaintances without necessarily having a direct invitation. I wouldn't attend the wake unless invited though.

I invited my parents to my in-laws' funerals though they had rarely met. My parents attended one but not the second as my mother was unwell by then.

My MIL' s funeral was held at a venue that had a small 'chapel' for weddings and funerals. It was not public and no-one would know that the funeral was happening unless they were told.

That decision was not made for privacy, and all the groups of people in her circle were told and encouraged to spread the word. But as there was no public obituary before the funeral, we could have managed who came and who didn't without breaking any guidelines, had we wanted to.

Why isn't he supporting you in your wishes?

To the people saying your inlaws are family. Of course they aren't. They are not related by blood. At worst, you tolerate them, at best you might love them like a friend. With actual family, you love them first, like them afterwards. Why pretend that marrying someone means you love their family too?