Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

It's a church (or crematorium) - you can't ban people.

You are making this all about you, and her.

Just let her come.

To b e fair during lockdown lots of events like weddings and funerals where live streamed and that seemed like a good thing at the time.

I am sorry so many people are being to horrid to you. I was bought up Catholic, and I agree with you that your MiL should not be there.

My parents value a "good turnout " above all else when it comes to a funeral. It really is about the spectacle for them. People standing at the back, outside, is a talking point for them. The immediate family's wishes doesn't occur to them. My dad in particular will go to the funeral of every single person he has ever known, worked with etc.
I have colleagues who will go to any funeral of a colleague's family member, again, no question about whether that colleague is comfortable grieving in front of a huge crowd.

I accept that this is how some people do it. But I don’t.

Your dh's wants do not trump your comfort. This is your mums funeral, would she have wanted your MIL there? I don't go for the 'community' bit, who wants to have their grief on show around people who don't know or care for you or your mum.

Ask MIL to light a candle at the time of the funeral instead. We didn't have anyone other than immediate family for my mums funeral, no one caused a fuss they respected our wishes which were also mums wishes.

It doesn't matter what anyone on here says you do what you feel is right.

@Demodog

I'll try not to patronise you in future, sorry if you feel I over explain.

I don't think that consideration of family rift is ever irrelevant when someone asks if they are being unreasonable in the context of a family problem. I think the potential to cause a family rift by offending her husbands mother is the big issue here.

We can all see why she doesn't want this woman at the funeral, and that in itself is not unreasonable. The question as I see it is, is it such a breach of social convention to exclude this woman that it has the potential to cause longer term problems for the OP.

I understand people saying this is about personal grief, but when dealing with familial relationships like a mother in law you dislike, and when dealing with problems like who gets invited to a family funeral, you do largely follow social convention. When you don't , sometimes there are bad repercussions.

Whether this is one of those instances is something only OP can tell because it depends on the family. Certainly I think it would be unwise not to consider the possibility of what might happen next.

OP can tell her MIL that she is not invited. If she shows up regardless, she is a horrible person.

OP wants the funeral to be about her lovely mum and the people she loved and who loved her. That doesn't include OP's MIL who OP's mum actually disliked.

Half the people on this thread are saying that OP's MIL and her DH's feelings should take priority over OP's and her deceased mum's feelings. That is absolutely crazy.

It is all about the deceased and the op.

Their wishes are the most important.

Many, many people don't op. You are not alone here. I've never heard a funeral beng called a community event in my life.

They are obviously an incredibly sad service for family to deal with as they wish.

I completely agree with you. Your mil shouldn't be there, your husband needs to be there to support you. People grieve in different ways and your mil should respect that.

Erm, yes. My darling mother’s funeral, my final goodbye, is all about me and my mum. Yes.

Absolutely! This is your Mum, and only you get to say who can come to the funeral (or other siblings of you have them)
It's very rude and insensitive of your MiL (and DH) to insist on being there when you've said no.

Yes, my DH goes to loads. And tbh if I ever had to arrange his funeral, it would be open house, everyone he ever knew, free bar afterwards, that’s him. I’d do what he would have liked.
But it’s not mum’s style, or mine.

I realise that funerals in churches/crematoriums are officially public events, and if people are so crass as to go despite being requested not to, then they can't be stopped. The wake afterwards is private though, the trouble is, people often put the venue at the bottom of the funeral service leaflet so everyone knows where it is anyway. If someone knows you want a small, private funeral, but thrust their presence upon you anyway under the guise of "showing respect", I would argue that they are in fact showing the opposite of respect by flouting your wishes and those of the deceased.

About the videoing though OP, I get the impression that this was more a thing during the pandemic when funeral attendance numbers were so restricted. Mum died right at the beginning before funeral directors and crematoriums had got used to the idea and I was videoed struggling with Dad's wheelchair and going into and out of the chapel. Someone even panned round all the mourners inside the chapel. Later on, I was sent a video by someone whose wife had died and I had known her very well, he wanted me to see the video and it was much more tastefully done, from high up at the back of the chapel, so you could only see the back of people's heads unless they were speaking, you didn't see them going in or out. I think also after a certain amount of time the video was inaccessible and you couldn't download it, I still don't like the idea of videos, but this was far better than what happened at my mother's funeral. I have even known of people doing a group photo in the graveyard after the service - so fucking tacky.

OMG

Have you heard yourself?! Op is grieving for her mum. Have some compassion and get off your high horse.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss but I think you're being very rude towards your MIL. Catholics don't go to funerals to "gawk" or "spectate" as you are saying. It's about paying respect and supporting family. My grandmother passed away recently, not many relatives her side left, and it brought so much comfort that the church was full of friends of neighbours, Co-workers of family etc. she was a wonderful lady and it was fitting that many were there to hear lovely things said. They don't hang round long. It was nice to get hugs and hear general well wishes from people.

Surely the 'done thing' is to respect the wishes of the deceased person (if they had made things known before they died) and the immediate grieving family.

Op, I'm with you. This 'big turnout' lark strikes me as comforting only to some & complete anathema to others. If you wish to keep this small and immediate family only, that is your family's perogative and it is for everyone else to support you by following your wishes.

Well her mother's funeral sure as hell isn't about her Mil!

What an obnoxious post

Right back at you.

I find it sad that many of these people that ram churches to allegedly pay their respects probably hadn't made any effort when the person was alive. A phonecall or text to say hi how are you when the person was alive far more respectful imo. Yet some come out in droves to see who was there and who said what.

Please do what is best for you op .

My mum died late 23 and my in-laws came. My mother in law died late 24 and all my siblings and their partners and my dad and my stepdad came. However, there was no animosity and I loved my mil like my own mum and they all knew each other as wev been together 24 years since we we were 15. However, in your case I do understand you being concerned your dh will have to entertain her rather than look after you on the day but she obviously couldn't be sat beside him at the service and would be at the back. If you dont get on then it's fine to say you'd rather she didn't come. It is unusual but do whatever is best for you.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I think you need to focus on yourself and your mum and forget about outside influences that could mess with your plans.

the only time Ive heard of funerals being invite only is during covid.

my mum went to both my in-laws funerals as did my sister in-laws parents, they went to show respect and unfortunately you can’t stop anyone from going to a funeral.

my brothers ex wife was told not to go to one of our family members funeral, however the absolute rocket she is she attended and sat near the back. It was in a church so we couldn’t stop her (though I would have loved to have dragged her out the place).