Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

It clearly does matter to the op.

I'm with you op. All this showing respect stuff is generally just an excuse to gawp.

Funerals should be for nearest and dearest. Tell your dh to tell her there's no need and leave it at that. Sorry for your loss .

@Ariadneefron But it’s not your mum, it’s OP’s MIL, and she’s not nice, she’s awful. All of your extrapolation was a total waste of words because you’re comparing apples and watermelons.
In this case MIL is the arsehole who doesn’t give a shit about OP’s feelings, and as it was her mum who died, those are the feelings that matter.

It's normal to go to an in-laws funeral. My dad came to my FILs although they weren't close.
However as it's your mum's funeral I think you have the right to tell people they can't come if you don't want them there.
You don't seem to have much of a relationship with MIL anyway so just tell her she can't come and let your DH sulk.

Ive never heard of funerals being by invitation only. Reserved areas at the front for close family, arrangements about who is going in the funeral cars etc are all pretty standard. But a guest list? Chances are some people op isn’t expecting will turn up anyway.

No, it really, seriously, really is not a valid view that the deceased's wishes are irrelevant.....

Not invite only, no. Surely as the op isn't keen on the mil and her dm wasn't then that is relevant though?
Family's feelings count, if the op doesn't want her there then that is fine.

Agreed. Everyone shouting at the OP “It’s about respect!” when there would be nothing more disrespectful than showing up when you’re expressly not invited, or, as OP is worried about, causing a drama about the lack of invitation.

Funerals should be for nearest and dearest.

They should be for whoever the bereaved family wants there. I was delighted that the crematorium was full for both my parents’ funerals. And that it was, not only full, but had people standing outside when my bil died.

Only if you announce it. I have been to small funerals where the death was announced at service in the weeks before, but no funeral details were shared, and when asked the family were clear they wanted a private service.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can completely empathise with how you feel, as I would feel the same in your position.
Unfortunately some people treat funerals as a day out, a chance to socialise and free food! Because of witnessing this type of behaviour several times recently, both my parents have decided on a direct cremation.

Your DH should be respecting your wishes and impressing on his mum that it's a small, intimate service and that she's not invited. He needs to spell out that this is about you, and nothing to do with her, and thst you do not need any additional stress/drama at what is an incredibly painful time.

A friend of mine was so desperate for her (stb ex) son-in-law to not attend the small service for her DH, that the funeral directors suggested she gave them a list of names of those attending. If you weren't on the list, you weren't getting in to the service. She said the FD were excellent said it wasn't unusual.

I hope the service goes smoothly and you're able to say goodbye to your mum in the way you want

What's the point of this back and forth on mumsnet? You've made it clear you and MIL don't get along and you have no problem if she gets upset or your relationship with her deteriorates so make your decision and move on, I don't get why your spending so much time arguing on mumsnet.

You said your husband is sulking, is he sulking but understands and accepts your decision or is he giving you an ultimatum? I'm sure he must know what the relationship is like between you and his mother so it shouldn't come as a surprise.

@Toomuchtrouble4me I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Mum. We have some funerals that are strictly private, it's not unusual here although definitely not the norm (Northern Ireland). I have made it crystal clear to DH and DCs that will have the house strictly private and an invitation only small service for very close family and friends if DH goes first. If I go first I want nothing no service and house strictly private, I'm a private person now so don't rock up and pretend you liked me after I'm dead.

Editing to delete entire post because I missed the "not" in the one I'm replying to. I am aware my original response remain visible!

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, this is a very distressing time for you.

I can’t tell if the funeral is a cremation or burial, and whether the service is being held in a church. (Might have missed this as have skim read the most recent pages).

If a church, then a funeral is a public service and anyone can attend. Funerals are not invitation only, the form is that the death is announced and details published, and anyone who wants to pay their respects turns up at the church. The private bit is afterwards where close friends and relatives are invited back for refreshment.

If you make an issue out of her attendance, this will have long reaching consequences both for you and your DH. It will create tension in your marriage that you don’t need.

Could you find someone who would be willing to babysit her through the proceedings, keep her away from you and your own close family, so that you don’t have to deal with her? The main thing is that you want your DM’s funeral to go off without any drama which might be avoided if MIL attends but is closely managed by a willing accomplice.

No, I have told very few people and those I have told know that if they are asked for funeral details to either say it’s a closed list funeral or direct them to me and I’ll tell them. The words ‘you are not welcome’ are not necessary. Mum asked me not to tell any of her ex work colleagues until after the funeral. She wants her own children, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and a select group of dearly loved friends. That’s it. No drama.

No it isn't in my experience.
To be fair, my parents lived at the other end of the country from MIL. It never occurred to my parents to travel to DH's stepfather's funeral. Not did it occur to MIL to travel to both my parents funerals.

Maybe it's different when they are both local?

Sorry for your loss @Toomuchtrouble4me

'They should be for whoever the bereaved family wants there'

The bereaved dd doesn't want her there.

Funerals should be for those who have a good relationship with the family. Showing respect aka as gawping isn't enough. Again, imo only.

Each to their own but the op has made her feelings clear.

@Likewhatever if you read OP's updates she explains there is almost no relationship with her MIL already, that MIL is not interested in OP or the children, and that OP's Mum would specifically not want MIL there.

Given those circumstances, this is one where I don't think she has anything to lose by putting her foot down. If it creates tension in her marriage it would speak volumes about her H's lack of care and respect, in his determination to prioritise the hypocritical attendance of a woman that doesn't bother with OP or her family.

Mum asked me not to tell any of her ex work colleagues until after the funeral. She wants her own children, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and a select group of dearly loved friends. That’s it.

Nothing more should need to be said. Absolutely no-one's 'rights' to attend a funeral trump the deceased's wishes and those of her daughter.

This

Oh my goodness how crass. I don’t think I’d ever get over that, it’s actually added a whole new layer of horror as I wouldn’t put it past my MiL to video in order to share with her daughters who live abroad. I’m so sorry you had this happen - the epitome of disrespect. Mum would be mortified as the idea of a funeral video. I feel sick just thinking of it. I’m so sorry it happened to you.

Yes I find the whole video link thing really inappropriate.

Close family and friends attend, those who can't shouldn't then get to watch at home with a coffee and a biscuit. If we are talking about respects then that is surely disrespectful.

“Just along for the ride” This is MY MOTHERS FUNERAL of all the nasty comments this is the only one that’s made me cry. I can’t even put into words how despicable you are. As for a free pass to be nasty - you’re clearly wearing yours with pride.

Mum asked me not to tell any of her ex work colleagues until after the funeral. She wants her own children, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren and a select group of dearly loved friends. That’s it. No drama

Given this, for anyone who does ask I would be saying 'Mum wanted a very small, private funeral so that's what we're doing. If you wanted to remember her individually on the day, of course you can and say a prayer / light a candle / make a donation to charity'.

I am surprised that so many posters are telling someone whose mother has died that they have to minimise their own feelings and do something they don't want to keep their MIL happy. OP obviously gets priority here. Can't help feeling that if the genders were reversed, and OP wanted her mum to attend her MIL's funeral but her DH didn't, she'd be told to give way and the grieving son's feelings were paramount. 🤔

No, he is putting me in a difficult position. He wants her there, I don’t. My mum, my choice. Why do his feelings count more than mine? I’ve got enough to deal with and she is added stress that I don’t like or want near me as I say a final goodbye to my lovely mum. I want it to be perfect, that means no MiL spectating.