Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

50% of voters think that the deceased's wishes count for nothing. I'm appalled.

@saraclara agree.

Why are MIL's and DH's feelings more important than OP's feelings?

OP wants a small and intimate funeral with the people her mum loved and who loved her mum. OP's mum disliked OP's MIL for many valid reasons and OP dislikes her for the same reasons. OP has said that she would feel uncomfortable showing her grief in front of her MIL.

OP's MIL has had two weddings since OP married her DH. OP's mum wasn't invited to either of those weddings. Surely if she was the close family that lots of posters are claiming, she would have been on the guest list?

This thread is batshit. Apparently, OP's wishes and her deceased mother's wishes should be completely disregarded to prioritise her MIL with whom she has no relationship.

Very sorry for your loss. xxx

With kindness OP I work in the funeral industry and see things like this time and time again, people organising funerals can get a little fixated on small details which are quite insignificant in the long run, and they put a lot of mental energy in to fighting against it, normally when it is all said and done they realise that it wasn't something they needed to have worried about so much but IME it is very common process when grieving and organising things, to try and find something they can argue.

But at the end of the day you say you have no relationship with your MIL, you say you don't see her very often and she has no relationship with your children, and you KNOW she won't attend if you tell her not to.. so exactly what "drama about it" do you imagine she is going to be able to cause if you tell her no? Just at least give her a chance to do the decent thing rather than spending so much time and energy mentally going round in circles that she is completely unaware of, she may surprise you to be honest.

So just tell her no yourself for the reasons you have said, give your DH a rocket up the arse for not having your back and forget all about that and give your mum the lovely send off she would have wanted, your way.

I can't believe some people on this thread - the OP has just lost her mum!!!!

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum @Toomuchtrouble4me It's an awfully difficult time for you right now and I think it's shit of your DH not to have taken this stress away from you by telling his mother "very small gathering, invitation only, send some flowers" - as this would have solved the problem and taken one of the stress and worries you are facing, out of the equation.

My mum died in 2020 so we had Covid restrictions in place at her funeral and numbers were limited to 15 people. It alleviated a great deal of stress for us all - my mum's death was sudden and unexpected and a real shock. My mum would have also preferred a small, intimate gathering so in that respect the restrictions worked out well (although we'd have really liked to have been able to have a proper wake / gathering afterwards but hey ho)

If I'd had to be dealing with nonsense like this on top of my raw grief and monumental loss, I'd probably have said something I regret so fair play to you you @Toomuchtrouble4me but you are 100% in the right.

FWIW I have a Catholic MIL (I absolutely adore her to pieces and would have welcomed her with open arms at my mums funeral but she was minding my young kids and the aforementioned restrictions were in place). The only thing we've ever not agreed on in 20 years is our views on funerals. She is of the mindset of your MIL (all and any funerals are fair game!) and I am on your side - funerals are private, I only attend them if I absolutely have to.

Stick to your guns, tell your DH to sort his mum out and then do all you need to do to get through this horrible time.

No, weddings and funerals are definitely not 'community' events. Where on earth did you get that from?! They are not a fair or a carnival, they are for the 'nearest and dearest' of the couple or the deceased. I don't know where you are that you think its some sort of fairground attraction.

Excluding a toxic person is not being 'nasty'.

Btw, you are wrong again, as the infamous saying goes; funerals are for the living, not for the deceased.

The whole point of funerals where all are welcome, which is the traditional thing, is that you open up a space where people are allowed to have a range of emotions, and a range of connections to the deceased. The thing about funerals is they are an act of generosity where you acknowledge you don't own a person, you aren't the only person privileged enough to feel grief, and that they had relationships outside of the one they had with you.

Stick to your guns. It isn’t up to her or your DH. Just tell her no thank you she isn’t welcome!!

Traditionally funerals are community events. Where I live they still are. Our local church is rammed when a long term, well known resident dies. The whole community goes to pay its respects. And it’s why it’s traditional for close mourners to thank others for coming. Most people find it comforting and affirmation that they’re not alone.

I knew someone and found out he died a month after he passed. The Death Notice just said 'per his wishes, a private cremation was held.'

That is becoming more and more common. Less people now even have a funeral in a church.

Why? Equally valid is the view that Funerals are for the living and the deceased’s wishes are irrelevant.

However, on that basis, I think that the person organising the event should be allowed to determine who and what happens at the funeral.

I’m not Catholic but I live in Ireland and culturally, it’s expected to be allowed to attend the funeral of someone who wasn’t actually known to you personally if you wish to attend. I think that’s a bit intrusive at times.

@Toomuchtrouble4me I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope you can find a compromise with your DH that enables him to support you 100% but one that doesn’t cause you long term difficulties with his mum. 💐

I agree with you. I find it bizarre that so many people want to go to the funeral of someone they hardly knew (and often didnt particularly like).

People say its respectful, but I think its completely disrespectful to attend a funeral if the people mourning dont want you there.

I believe that funerals are for the living and that the close families wishes override everyone elses about who attends a funeral etc and I would like mine to be invitation only. If I dont like/know you well enough to invite you round for dinner/coffee/meet ups etc then I really dont want you attending my funeral which I see is for my loved ones.

My MILs funeral was the worse thing I have ever had the misfortune to attend. There were so many people there, who barely knew her and certainly didnt know her family, and we all felt like we were part of a strange spectator event where people we didnt know were watching our every move. We werent able to grieve with a room full of complete strangers and most didnt even know the names of her adult children. It was horrific and quite traumatising. The people who attended would probably say they were being respectful but it certainly didnt feel like it to us who were her actual family.

I would certainly be telling your MIL that shes not welcome to attend as your family want to have a small intimate funeral with only those that know your mum well and as she doesnt, she wont be coming.

Your DH can sulk as much as he wants but its your mums funeral so what you and your family want trumphs what his family want.

@ Toomuchtrouble4me

At the end of the day, you do you - which I assume you're going to do anyway. I am sorry for your loss, it's devastating losing a mother.

All I would say is, you may not think it's a huge deal but your husband's family probably do from the sound of them - Catholic, keen funeral attenders. You may not consider her a close family member, but if your husband doesn't think his own mother is a close member of his family he'd be a bit odd. Since he is, as you say, 'sulking', he might think this is more of a problem than you think it should be.

And, as I say, in my family this would run and run and be a big problem. So just be prepared for a possible reaction is all I'm saying.

When my mum died @Toomuchtrouble4me , she wanted a tiny private funeral, only her children her nephew and her sister. We honoured those wishes and so did those who asked about coming and didn’t because they respected her wish for that privacy. I totally understand where you are coming from and agree MIL and DHs views need to come second to what you want and what your mum wanted. I hope you find the funeral healing and as good as these things can be

It’s your mum, you can do exactly what you want and what she would have wanted.
Just ask your husband to explain that you are too vulnerable to grieve publicly.
I expect her intentions are kind but it’s your call.
If she doesn’t get it then she doesn’t get it.
Some of the comments on here are shocking. I wonder how many are from people who have attended funerals where they knew they weren’t wanted. There are even funeral crashers who make a habit of it. I think Victoria Coren wrote about it happening to her dad and how they had to have a pretend decoy funeral to avoid the ghouls.

@Ariadneefron What relevance does it have to the OP? This is not a funeral where all are welcome. Whether that is traditional or not is immaterial to OP.

I am also not sure why you are describing to me how funerals work and what their purpose is. It comes across as incredibly patronising.

I have already said that attending funerals is the norm in my family even where we did not know the deceased well. As a family we have also had a number of bereavements, so I understand very well what it is like to feel grief, and I also understand the concept of sharing grief and coming together as a wider community. None of that changes my view on the OP's situation.

Here you go again, completely disrespecting OP's wishes and minimising her grief. OP's mum's funeral isn't one where all are welcome. It is smaller and more private, where OP has a safe space to openly grieve. The other people who will feel genuine grief about OP's mum's death have probably been invited to the funeral. OP's mum didn't have a relationship with OP's MIL and won't be grieving.

Your emotional blackmail to OP about showing generosity to a person who has shown no generosity or love to OP, or her children or her mum is entirely misplaced and tedious.

And I'm quite baffled at the concept of OP being advised to be wary of upsetting the family dynamic with her MIL because of the risk of long term problems.

This would be the MIL that has never bothered to spend time with her grandkids, or even buy them a token Christmas present. If she's an observant catholic to the extent of being upset at not going to a funeral, then how is she reconciling that with her total disinterest in the family at any other time?

@Demodog
I'm so sorry you found me answering you with a an explanation of my thoughts to be patronising. I hate to be too conventional but isn't explaining your thoughts how discussion usually works? Anyway we have disagreed enough, let us hijack the thread no more with your feelings of being patronised.

My family is Catholic, I however am not one of the reasons being my mam HATED funeral spectators and other such Catholic 'weirdness' and actively was outspoken about her hatred of it so raised me CofE instead.

We had a very small funeral too and MIL didn't come to the funeral but did crash the wake and said some wildly insensitive things. My mam didn't even like MIL and found her quite insufferable for the exact insensitive shit she held court on at the funeral.

So I understand, but unfortunately no advice.

Sorry for your loss too.

Mumsnet is normally all in favour of boundaries, especially when applied to mothers in law.

I genuinely have no idea what's going on in this thread. It's as if I've been transported to a parallel universe where everyone and his dog is prioritised over the wishes of the main characters in a bereavement.

@Ariadneefron I don't think it is hijacking. I did find your post patronising, but my response was not centred around that. The core point still remains; that OP's situation does not involve a "traditional" funeral where all are welcome, so your projected concerns about familial rifts are largely irrelevant.

I completely agree. There's some very performative do-gooding which is really weird. That you can only show respect if you do it in your socially acceptable way, and if that doesn't suit the grieving family - well, they don't know any better.