Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond But would you show up to a funeral of someone you didn't know well and were not close to if you were not invited, and you knew the deceased and their family were a) not catholic, and b) having a small and private service?

I'm sorry about your mum ❤️

Just keep saying no.

tell DH if he wants to stay married stop prioritising his mothers feelings over yours this is about YOU not her. Tell him to stop acting like a nob

do not give in!!

It’s your mother and it is for you to decide how you want to celebrate her life and who with. I would try to find an honest but diplomatic way to say this to your MIL - like it will only be the people who have know your DM longest, and your DH is coming to support you. Thank her for her kindness in thinking of it. Yes, you have to be prepared for her to take umbrage and retaliate in some way. - you are allowed your feelings and she is allowed hers. But in the moment, I would go for only having the people who really can help at the funeral.

@demodog Yes as an in law.... I would class myself as close family and would attend.
Only on mumsnet I've ever heard of invitation only funerals (apart from Covid times) where people have stood outside of churches and crematoriums.
Invitation only is not common practice in my area......I've grown up with death being a normal part of life.....

You (or your DH) need to explain to her that your family/cultural traditions and preferences are different. I can see why she might want to be there and consider it very normal, but I can also see why you and your family want to keep it small and intimate and this is more important.

No-one from my husband's family attended my parents' funerals, and no-one from my family attended my MIL's funeral.
Thinking about it, my sister's MIL did attend our father's funeral, but they saw quite a lot of each other and had even all been on holiday together not long before. And it was a fairly large funeral. Well over 100.

Even if you told “It’s a very intimate affair by invitation only” you would still rock up uninvited?

@Itisjustmyopinion same as me.
My colleagues and I attending our colleagues wife's funeral to support him and his family.
As nurses we have also attended our long term patients funerals....most of their family members don't know who we are but we knew the person.

I don’t think that will happen.

Would you still go to the funeral even if you knew you were not wanted? If you were the MIL in this situation, and you had zero relationship with the OP's mum, and you had next to no relationship with the OP herself (and even your own grandkids) - would you still think it appropriate to insert yourself and call it paying your respects?

I have also grown up with death as part of life. I still wouldn't go to a funeral if I knew the family didn't want me there. It's rude in the extreme and the absolute opposite of paying your respects. Being respectful means not imposing your own wishes over someone else.

@Toomuchtrouble4me I've never come across this situation as funerals are public.

If someone said that it was private I wouldn't attend (which I have never came across that isn't normal practice with anyone I know)
If my in laws said it was private....I would still assume I'm there as I'm immediate family.
You have issues with your in laws and your husband...I don't know what the underlying issues have been but in-laws are classed as immediate family.

That’s fine. It’s not wrong. But it’s not what I want. I have had a couple of not so close friends ask when the funeral is, and I’ve told them no, it’s very small and close family (mum has 7 siblings so not that small!) and they have totally understood. It’s not only the service, it’s the wake too, and she’ll need transportation which means my grieving aunts will have to have her - DH will busy himself making sure she’s got a lift. The whole thing stresses me, I just don’t want the bloody woman at my mother’s funeral, nor did mum, and her and DH’s feelings are, on this occasion, secondary.

When did funerals become elitist? It is the opposite of what a funeral is about - Where i come from

OP do you think theres the possiblity you are giving this too much headspace? Sincerely losing a parent is one of the hardest things you will go through in your life and how have you got headspace to be so worried about your inlaw attending?

My main point would be - Whoever attends:- It doesnt diminish your own grief.

If I went to my mother and said ' Husband does not want you to come to his mother's funeral ' she would say 'why?' and either I would end up spelling it out in actual words or I would attempt to obfusc and she would know that the answer was 'because he doesn't like you.'

My mother is polite and not given to blood feuds but her feelings would be hurt. Rightly so. She would not have a show down with my husband but she would probably politely excuse herself from our family occasions after that. There might be a slight chill between us. My children would see less of her. I would have to go out of my way to see her without my spouse being there. I could not talk freely to her about my family life after that.

My siblings are not so polite. I guarantee we would have arguments about this. They would argue with me and they might argue with him. They might have words with my husband and they might be unforgivable words. I suspect my spouse would be explicitly excluded from all family events after this hypothetical event, certainly if my mother was invited, and my family would not attend ours. So every time I wanted to see a member of my family, attend a birthday or a wedding or a Christmas dinner or, yes, a funeral, I would have to say to my husband 'You are not invited because they don't like you. And also my mother is coming and she doesn't like you either, now.'

And then I'm visiting people who think my husband is so awful that they won't have him in the house. Do I take my children into that environment or do they never see Uncles, Aunts and cousins again? How do we explain why their cousins and Nana have stopped coming to birthday parties at our house? Is my husband ok with me still seeing them alone or do we argue about that, too?

Suddenly, I'm guessing, the subject is coming up on a regular basis, every time a family event approaches we go over the time he said he didn't like my mum and she's not a member of his family and he didn't want her at a funeral, and then as a result I had to go and hurt her feelings and I was put in a difficult situation I didn't want to be in. By him.

Maybe I 'm thinking, 'where does that leave me? Am I member of your family?' Maybe every time the problem comes up, I think 'yeah, my siblings are right. You are an arsehole and you don't give a shit about my feelings. You gaslighted me and said I was sulking. Maybe my siblings, who I like and trust, actually have a point about you.' And then where do we go?

Anyway, this is all hypothetical obviously. All families are different, but that's roughly how it would pan out in my family.

You can't control how your MIL reacts, though.

If you want to keep her away you could block her number and let your DH deal with the drama.

Maybe in your family. Not in mine. Mil was married to second husband when I met her - she’s married twice since then, my mother (her immediate family in your eyes) was not invited to either of the weddings (all 4 in total have been HUGE affairs) not that my mum would have gone anyway, but she wasn’t invited, as she’s not immediate family to MiL.

It isnt going to work long term though is it - in an adult relationship, treating each others mother like this

How are you making it clear to everyone it is a private ceremony as that's very unusual. I would expect various people to turn up once they hear about it unless you're very direct. Random relatives, friends from way back etc.

There are quite a few private funerals with close family only. Look at the Times for info on these. Usually they have a memorial service at a later date though. For one service only, it’s rare to restrict mourners. What about friends and wider acquaintances? Are they totally excluded? Funerals aren’t really about the mourners either. When there’s just one service, they usually embrace a wider community. No one is gawping at anyone. People just attend to say goodbye and think about the person who has died in a kind way.

If having a (second) memorial service, that’s the time for friends and a wider circle of people to attend. It’s a lighter occasion usually. Then it’s normal to restrict the first one to private by invitation.

Exactly this.

Funeral notices are published in local media.

I dont think you can control this

If you are having it at a normal church or crematorium it's not invitation only and people you have never met might attend. MIL presumably knows that.

You can tell her that you specifically do not want her there and if you do and she attends that's not kind of her, but also not very good manners on your part and will undoubtedly cause drama.

Funeral notices are published in local media.

Only if you put them there and pay for them. Presumably if you want a private funeral you don’t publish the details.

@MrsSunshine2b I agree

Some people feel that their grief is private. You clearly do, i understand.
You have lost your dear mum so how you feel should be respected. If MIL wants to help she could cook a meal or ask if you need anything from the shop etc.

If I went to my mum and said DH is having an invitation only funeral for his mum, just with her closest loved ones and you’re not in the list. My mum would have said ok. She might have sent flowers but she would totally get it, because, they were not close. Mum never went to MiL’s weddings, she wouldn’t expect to go to her funeral either. If she were invited she would probably have gone, as she’s would presume that DH wanted her there if invited,but if told it were a very small affair she would have accepted that too, without drama.

@Ariadneefron but none of the theoretical reactions there, show any kind of care or respect for the person grieving. It's all about the family's feelings, and their perceived status and importance in relation to being invited. Which ultimately is pretty selfish and ironically shows absolutely no respect for the deceased or those grieving.

If you didn't know the deceased well and your desire to attend a funeral is to support someone grieving, then showing respect is listening to what they want. And if supporting them means staying at home, then that's what you do.