Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

I think that whilst you need to have the time to mourne your lovely mum - your dh must be upset about how you are behaving towards his mum - the living are important too. I don’t think I would feel kindly towards dh if he insisted that my mum (who is admittedly very difficult) was not allowed to attend a family funeral. Maybe you’re not in that headspace at the moment but burning bridges with your dh is not going to improve things going forward.

I am a private griever

So am I. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if people said I was a heartless bitch because I didn’t shed a single tear at either of my parents’ funerals because I was totally numb. My family saw my anguish, nobody else apart from my best friend who held me as I sobbed uncontrollably in my kitchen on Christmas Day. Grief isn’t something that happens at the funeral, it’s an ongoing process that literally doubles you up when you’re least expecting it for a long time.

I feel for you @Toomuchtrouble4me, truly I do but you’re using this as a distraction from your grief that you can’t look at because it’s so painful. Let it go and honour your beloved mum without distraction. 💐

Well then you know what to do OP. Just make sure its worded in a way that doesn't offend her, or make her feel like it's a personal exclusion.
Keep it very brief and tell her that the funeral is only for very close family members. Tell her it's invite only.

Even if that were true, even if she felt hated (she isn’t hated and doesn’t feel that) and disrespected (probably - she’s never earned my respect, quite the opposite) it still doesn’t mean that I HAVE to have a person that both mum and I didn’t/don’t like at mums funeral. More reason for her not to want to come I’d say - but it’s all about her, as usual.

More reason for her not to want to come I’d say - but it’s all about her, as usual.

I suppose this is the bit I'm confused about. You've said your MiL won't attend if she's expressly told not to.

It's also been discussed at length how in certain religious communities it is absolutely normal and expected to attend funerals of people you are only tangentially connected to, as a matter of respect/support, etc.

So how is your MiL making it "about her" by wanting to attend as is the norm in her community? You've said she won't attend if told not to, so that is hardly making it about her.

She’s not known to them as grandmother, my mum was/is will always be Grandma, she insisted on ‘nanny x’ a term I can’t abide, but it was her choice so that’s who she is. I doubt that my children would even notice if she was there or not.

You poor thing OP. I'm sorry for your loss and for the nastier posters here. Some people truly have no empathy or ability to imagine anything other than their own world view.

You are completely in the right to want your mum's funeral to be the way you want it. You have the measure of your MIL and how she would behave. Definitely don't have her there.

When you are further down the line you may want to consider your DH problem, that he's more concerned about his mother's feelings than yours. But for right now hold firm and have the funeral the way you (and she) would want it. ❤️

Sorry for your loss, but I do think yabu. It feels very much like a deliberate and pointed slight to your mil and I think mil and your dh would quite rightly recognise this. Please try to be a little more gracious- punishing mil won’t bring your mum back and making this a hill to die on will, I think, bring more pain and more long- term repercussions, than having mil at the funeral.

Because although she won’t attend if told not to, there will be drama about it. This I know.

But I don’t want her to go and it’s MY mum.

I get that you want this to be private OP, you feel vulnerable and exposed, the need to control your grief/the environment surrounding it but grief can't be controlled, it will take its own course and it can leave an unnecessary trail of destruction as the process is worked through - be careful of the wrecking ball.

So sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like a very unusual relationship with your mil if she doesn't even give her grandchildren gifts? So in your case I can understand your feelings.

However, it is worth baring in mind that unless numbers are restricted, eg covid times, or sometimes the cremation / burial part of proceedings being family only, most funerals on this country are not invitation only, and it's not at all unusual for people who don't know the deceased well to come to support the family / show their respects. You may well find there are quite a few people there you aren't expecting unless you are very clear it's invitation only.

I'm not a catholic and have never been to a catholic funeral, yet every funeral I have been to I can think of has had the parents of the sil or dil there (and sometime but not always siblings too), unless they have reason not to eg babysitting the grandkids during the ceremony. That's not to say you should, but you do need to understand that this may seem strange to others and your mil and DH are not being unreasonable in assuming that would happen. I don't think it's just a catholic thing.

At the last two funerals I went to , both protestant, non Anglican, there were people like friends and colleagues of the deceased children (and some of the friends' parents if childhood friends) and even in some cases friends of deceased's grandchild or son in law. Plus parents and some siblings of son or daughter in law, parents and grandparents of a granddaughter in law. All there to support the relative they know but also to show respects, even if they didn't know the deceased very well. It was generally seen as a nice thing that there was a 'good turn out' and a celebration of their life. One of them did make the crematorium bit family only, and that bit was more sombre, but also felt appropriate in a different way. So I do see the positives of a smaller gathering as you want. But your DH and MIL are not unreasonable in thinking she 'should' come and it isn't just a catholic thing.

Thank you.

I think that's what people have suggested would happen. As long as you're prepared for that outcome, at least you won't be surprised.

If the service is indeed taking place in a church/chapel etc, are you prepared for the possibility that total strangers other than your MiL may be in attendance?

I don't think I've ever read such a load of sanctimonious bollocks before. Your lack of empathy for OP who is grieving her much loved mother is staggering. So because OP's MIL carried her DH for 9 months, her poor behaviour and failings as a MIL and a grandmother are completely excused, but OP is being villified for only wanting people who loved her mum at her funeral.

OP's sorrow is definitely more important than her MIL's and her DH's feelings and social conventions. OP is bereaved and wants to be able to grieve and cry for her mum surrounded by people who loved her mum and love OP. Her MIL doesn't fall into that category.

Funerals aren't generally an invite-only event. You can, of course, organise a private wake and make that invite-only if you want to. Funerals are the public-facing part of a private process. You have all the time in the world to process your grief privately, but the funeral isn't private. I believe you when you say MIL is an unpleasant person, but I also think there's no need to cause yourself extra drama at this time and it comes across undignified to have fighting over who comes to a funeral.

All you have to do is be civil for half an hour. That's if you even notice she's there, which, depending on how many people attend, you might not.

It is private if its in a private room at a crematoriam or civic centre or hall or something. It doesn't have to be held at a church, you know.

I know you’re grieving and I know grief,OP. Nevertheless I am struck by your choice of words here.

I am troubled by the idea that people must earn our respect. Respect should be our default attitude. People can lose our respect by their actions and obviously your MIL has lost yours. You’ve indicated some reasons why that sound, from one perspective, reasonable.

But I am wondering when and why your relationship with your MIL went wrong. This horrid phrase has me feeling more sympathy for her than I did initially, though no less for you.

You have my sympathies. When my lovely FIL died my parents wanted to come. They really wanted to come for the meal and drinks afterwards. As it turned out they couldn’t get there without a lift from anyone. They assumed that we would give them a lift but we were riding in one of the funeral cars. Problem solved, though I was quite blunt with them.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

I do not have a great relationship with my MIL, and felt the same when my lovely mum passed. My feelings were correct, as when she attended the funeral she would not leave DH’s side and ignored me entirely. DH spent the entire time catering her, while I spent it with my mums friends.

It was a nice send off for my mum (who was the single greatest person I’ve ever known btw!) but I still have a lot of resentment about MIL’s attendance and DH’s behaviour. Stick to your guns. I hope the funeral goes as you wish, and your mum gets the send off she deserves x x x

I'm not a funeral expert but I've recently been to a funeral at a crematorium and it was absolutely public. There was certainly no-one on the door checking who came in. It doesn't make sense for a funeral to be private, because no-one else knows the relationship the mourner had with the deceased. Perhaps you think your Mum has a casual acquaintanceship with Doris 3 doors up because she's never mentioned that they have tea together 4 times a week and has shared her deepest and darkest secrets with her.

Tell her not to come that is fine. Explain you are keeping it small.

Assuming she is coming to gawp or unreasonable to want to come is unkind. Unless you do both hate each other there is no chance that is true. She thinks it is respectful and supportive to come, but you are the priority so have dh explain no thanks.

@Toomuchtrouble4me so sorry for your loss.
I'm from a catholic family and it is a sign of respect to attend someone's funeral even if you don't know them but you know a close relative you go for them.
It's definitely not a spectator event.

My in laws attended my grandads funeral...very normal...my sisters in laws didn't and we found that very abnormal!
If it's in a church or a crematorium...anyone can attend as it's a public space.
Members of the church normally do attend funerals of people from their local community. Similarly when I was married half of the local church community/ex primary school teachers the lot came to the wedding service.
If it's a burial it's normally announced as a private.
The wake afterwards it's either announced as anyone can attend or as private.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

YANBU.

Your Mum didn't like her and would not want her there. You have already said it's a small and private funeral, so the social norms and traditions for other religions are not relevant here.

There is no reason for your MIL to attend if she was not close to your Mum, or if she is not close to you. It certainly does not show any respect, as it's arrogant and self-centred in the extreme to override the wishes of the deceased and their close family.

So much unnecessary scaremongering on here.

• what if she shows up anyway? Services aren't private!

She'd have to be a spectacular arsehole to turn up to a funeral of someone she wasn't close to (or even liked by) when she has been asked not to, and OP has already said that she won't come if she's told it's an intimate family service.

• what if she says that you can't attend her funeral?

Who cares?

• what if it does irreparable harm to the relationship?

What relationship? OP already says she doesn't see her as family. If MIL can't get over the fact that OP and her family are having a small private service to mourn their mother, that's her issue to cope with. She can pay her respects at any other time if she truly feels she wants to. I suspect she's more arsed about being seen to be there, than actually paying respects.

• what about DH?

I'm sure her husband can cope without having his mother's support for a few hours. It's not about him. If anything, he needs to give his head a wobble for entertaining these conversations whilst his wife is grieving this loss.

We get it, some of you like/feel obliged to attend the funeral of every Tom, Dick and Harry. It may be normal for you, but it isn't for everyone. I'm sure you could put your appetite for funerals to the side if someone expressed that they wished to have an invite only funeral to mourn their close loved ones.

Funerals are not invitation only (unless it’s very specific circumstances like a royal or someone high profile) so you can “ban” her but you cannot stop her attending

I am not Catholic but it’s very normal in my experience to attend funerals where you may not know the deceased but you are there to support the family. For example I have been to many funerals of parents of friends or in laws because I was there to support them or their partner

We even went to the funeral of a colleague’s mum who had died in awful circumstances and wanted to know that we were there for him

Usually the norm in my experience is that you only attend the wake/reception after the funeral if you are close and if it’s a distant connection you only attend the church or crematorium