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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

746 replies

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/01/2025 22:58

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

OP posts:
Trolleysaregoodforemployment · 02/01/2025 10:21

I am very sorry for your loss.

Your Mother, your decision. I don't think your husband's view is relevant. Like you said when it is his mother, it will be his choice I don't think your MIL being catholic should be taken into account either. Her traditions should not be more important than your feelings and wishes or those of your mother. .

It's not a mark of respect to your mother to have your husband or your MIL dictate who should be in attendance. Especially as she didn't like your MIL. Your husbands job is to support you and what you need at this time.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/01/2025 10:23

Pinkissmart · 02/01/2025 10:13

This

I’m sorry for your loss OP, but it is a respect thing.

But her MIL shows no respect for OP's family. She has no relationship with OP's children, has never bought them Christmas presents, left all the childcare when OP's children were small to OP's mum and visits once a year on her own birthday to get her present and to make OP's DH take her out for a meal.

OP's mum didn't like her for all the above reasons. OP is entitled to organise the kind of funeral that she and her mum would want and that doesn't include her MIL.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/01/2025 10:25

MsWillis · 02/01/2025 10:19

This is exactly my situation.

My MIL and I are very close, I'm functional enough with my mother, do Christmas, take her to appointments but we're not close.

My mum and MIL have met a few times and comment occasionally on each other's facebook pages.

But if my MIL was to die first, I absolutely do not want my mum at the funeral. I want to be able to support my partner, grieve myself and it'll probably be up to me to "say a few words " because the rest of the family would struggle with that.
I do not want my mum there. The love I have for MIL would likely hit my mum like a slap in the face, and she's better off not being there.
I'd also feel very inhibited having her there.

Other way round, yes my MIL would very likely come to my mums funeral to support us.

OP has already answered that question. She would be happy to tell her mum that she wasn't invited to her MIL's funeral and her mum would be happy to stay away. She wouldn't expect to be invited as she didn't have a relationship with OP's MIL.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2025 10:28

Tourmalines · 02/01/2025 08:38

She hasn’t been told at all by this stage . And op said that if she is told not to come she won’t .

I know; it was a point made more for those pointing out that these events are public and anyone can attend.

MsWillis · 02/01/2025 10:29

@thepariscrimefiles I was giving my view on the PP's scenario. My perspective.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:32

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2025 10:16

That still doesn't guarantee it being 'private' because, as I said upthread, regular churchgoers may attend unwittingly. As long as OP is aware of that though, she can manage her expectations.

But why assume the funeral is at a church? Many are held at a crematorium, at a civic centre or even graveside. It doesn't have to be at a church.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 02/01/2025 10:35

I am sorry for your loss and totally support you and your decision. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight

derxa · 02/01/2025 10:35

OP has the right to do what she wants but her relationship with her MIL will be fractured. Is it really worth it.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2025 10:37

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:32

But why assume the funeral is at a church? Many are held at a crematorium, at a civic centre or even graveside. It doesn't have to be at a church.

That’s true enough, although if at a church it would be a good thing to be aware of so OP is not shocked/put out by the attendance of ‘strangers’.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 10:38

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/01/2025 05:25

Depending on how petty the MIL is, don't be surprised if she writes in HER last wishes, that you not be allowed at the funeral, no mater what. Then, it will be your DH and your DC grieving with you not in the picture.

After all, you have no love for her, so zero reason for you to attend or pretend to be sorry.

That would be a relief. DC would attend with DH, they don’t have a relationship with her, they’d be ok without me and could support their dad. It would be reasonable for her to choose who she wants there. Not a problem.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/01/2025 10:41

I am sorry for your loss.
Both MIL and her sister came to my Mums funeral last year and they barely knew (and didn't like) eachother but I think its generational and a mark of respect.
However, hopefully your MIl wouldn't make it all about her by repeatedly telling my DC that "she woudl be next" 😡

Ariadneefron · 02/01/2025 10:43

@Whatisgoingonhere

Her husband was inside that woman for 9 month. Then he grew up in her house. They share the mitochondrial DNA of their long distant ancestors. All of this makes the mother in law a close relation. The husband is pissed off by all this which suggests he would like to maintain a relationship with his mother.

Excluding a close member of your family from a funeral is so rude you cannot expect to come out of it unscathed.

Funerals are traditionally public events in England anyway, so excluding a close family member from a public event is doubly rude.

If my husband pulled that stunt on my mother, because MIL doesn't buy enough Christmas presents, which is the reason that has been given, I would be incandescent.

The level of insult to the mother is huge. It's also a massive insult to the husband, who has no good way out of this.

Funerals are not, traditionally, about guarding and policing who is allowed to have feelings about the death. They are not a place where you say 'My sorrow is the most important and nobody else's feelings matter' - which is what is in fact happening here. Her mother in law isn't allowed to have any feelings because she doesn't buy Christmas presents. And her husband's feelings don't matter at all and therefore he is 'sulking', like a child, rather than genuinely aggrieved with a good reason to be pissed off.

As John Donne says, No man is an island entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. Any man's death diminishes me because I am a piece of mankind, and therefore send not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

That is the sentiment that has traditionally guided funerals, and why the whole community attends: that we are all part of a whole, we come together as humans to recognise the life of a fellow human, together and everybody in a community has the right to have feelings, to mourn and to pay their respects. Feelings are not ring fenced to the In crowd.

It may be very 17th century of me, but I think it's a good sentiment and maybe a better foundation for mourning the passing of a parent than 'you don't buy me enough presents to come to my party'.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 10:45

IPM · 02/01/2025 00:26

There's enough anti Catholic bollocks on the internet.

So no, I'm fine thanks.

You do you.

It’s unfortunate that you feel I’m being anti Catholic, obviously I’m not as I’m married to one. The mention of our different religions was to explain how and why we have such different approaches to funerals - many many Catholics on here have agreed that it’s common for them to attend funerals of people with a very distant relationship, so I get why DH thinks his mum should attend. In my family we do things very differently, it’s intimate and private and should only be those we invite, and DH should understand my perspective as I understand his. Of course it’s not anti Catholic, that’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 02/01/2025 10:47

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 10:38

That would be a relief. DC would attend with DH, they don’t have a relationship with her, they’d be ok without me and could support their dad. It would be reasonable for her to choose who she wants there. Not a problem.

to say it would be a relief not to have to go to her funeral just shows how much contempt and hate you have for her which you have denied . Good luck with you and your husband.

Kate8889 · 02/01/2025 10:48

Not speeches, just sit for an hour with her mom and feel everything without others watching.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:50

Ariadneefron · 02/01/2025 10:43

@Whatisgoingonhere

Her husband was inside that woman for 9 month. Then he grew up in her house. They share the mitochondrial DNA of their long distant ancestors. All of this makes the mother in law a close relation. The husband is pissed off by all this which suggests he would like to maintain a relationship with his mother.

Excluding a close member of your family from a funeral is so rude you cannot expect to come out of it unscathed.

Funerals are traditionally public events in England anyway, so excluding a close family member from a public event is doubly rude.

If my husband pulled that stunt on my mother, because MIL doesn't buy enough Christmas presents, which is the reason that has been given, I would be incandescent.

The level of insult to the mother is huge. It's also a massive insult to the husband, who has no good way out of this.

Funerals are not, traditionally, about guarding and policing who is allowed to have feelings about the death. They are not a place where you say 'My sorrow is the most important and nobody else's feelings matter' - which is what is in fact happening here. Her mother in law isn't allowed to have any feelings because she doesn't buy Christmas presents. And her husband's feelings don't matter at all and therefore he is 'sulking', like a child, rather than genuinely aggrieved with a good reason to be pissed off.

As John Donne says, No man is an island entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. Any man's death diminishes me because I am a piece of mankind, and therefore send not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

That is the sentiment that has traditionally guided funerals, and why the whole community attends: that we are all part of a whole, we come together as humans to recognise the life of a fellow human, together and everybody in a community has the right to have feelings, to mourn and to pay their respects. Feelings are not ring fenced to the In crowd.

It may be very 17th century of me, but I think it's a good sentiment and maybe a better foundation for mourning the passing of a parent than 'you don't buy me enough presents to come to my party'.

Edited

Why do you think her husband can't have a relationship with his mother just because his mother isn't invited to a funeral? That's batshit crazy! The MIL is not close to OP or OP's deceased mother. Which is what the actual funeral is about. She is not a close family member. OP says she doesn't even have a relationship with her own grandchildren (OPs DC).

She is not close family.

And if it is going to cause OP upset, then OP, as the daughter, has the RIGHT to ask her not to attend, and THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED. By any decent human being!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 10:52

Tikityboo · 02/01/2025 01:09

I agree with the above.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Your grief is palpable. I find it sad that you are embarrassed about your emotional expression at your own mother's funeral.

Big love = Big grief. Its OK to release and process that.

Its also important to recognise that anger is a confusing part of grief - you may feel it, express but be careful where you discharge or target it. Give yourself some breathing space - dont expect too much of yourself. Its exhausting and can leave you highly irritable with a sort fuse - so be kind and gentle with yourself.

There are obviously different cultural, social and religious norms and you have every right to decide what works for you and your family - invite only or open house. Thats not the issue.

I do find it grim tho that you have been derogatory and offensive to another religion. That isnt necessary.

Have I? That was not my intention. I was just explaining why my DH and I have such different perspectives - many many Catholics on here have agreed that it’s the norm for people with a vague connection to the deceased to attend. My DH goes to a lot of funerals, people he doesn’t know well. I personally feel it’s not comfortable. Neither are right, or wrong, just different. Derogatory and offensive? I don’t think so, I married a catholic and my DC are half catholic. We do have different expectations of funerals, that’s all.
I don’t want MiL witnessing me at my most vulnerable, no, please don’t feel sad about it, no need. I am a private griever, nothing for you to be sad about here, nor offended.

OP posts:
IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:52

Tourmalines · 02/01/2025 10:47

to say it would be a relief not to have to go to her funeral just shows how much contempt and hate you have for her which you have denied . Good luck with you and your husband.

OP clearly has a very good reason to not like her. Maybe you never considered that? The woman doesn't even bother to have a relationship with her own grandchildren! She ignores her own grandchildren! And you are taking up for her?!?? Have a word with yourself. She's clearly not a warm, friendly or family-type MIL.

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:53

Kate8889 · 02/01/2025 10:48

Not speeches, just sit for an hour with her mom and feel everything without others watching.

She would want the speeches for herself to her mum without the MIL there. You are suggesting she does the main ceremony with the MIL there. You are not listening to what OP is saying. She wants to do the ceremony without MIL there!

Member984815 · 02/01/2025 10:53

Sorry for your loss, I'm in Ireland so go to a lot of funerals, its the done thing here but I think your husband should support your wishes and be there to support you through this time. He should respect your decision .

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 10:56

DreamTheMoors · 02/01/2025 05:29

It’s all rather petty and small.

It’s not petty or small to me. It’s my final goodbye to my lovely mum.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 02/01/2025 10:57

IdylicDay · 02/01/2025 10:52

OP clearly has a very good reason to not like her. Maybe you never considered that? The woman doesn't even bother to have a relationship with her own grandchildren! She ignores her own grandchildren! And you are taking up for her?!?? Have a word with yourself. She's clearly not a warm, friendly or family-type MIL.

Edited

Well there is always two sides to every story and it would be interesting to hear the MILs side!! Maybe she picked up on the feeling that she is hatred and maybe she was always disrespected !!!! You don’t know anything about it, just like the rest of us !

Georgyporky · 02/01/2025 11:00

Tell her the wrong date/time/venue - preferably a date after the actual funeral.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 11:01

DreamTheMoors · 02/01/2025 02:35

There are other ways to honour someone’s memory.
You can take food to their family or donate to a cause that was important to them.

I was excluded from a funeral once.
I wonder if you realize how painful it is to the person you’re excluding, @Toomuchtrouble4me— and how unnecessary it is to single out someone from attending just because you dislike them.

But this isn’t about her ‘pain’ which she won’t have as she has no relationship with my mum. This day is about me, and mum. I don’t see it as excluding one person, I’m including only those who me and mum wanted there, the whole rest of the world is excluded, not just her, It’s invitation only.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 02/01/2025 11:04

SplendidUtterly · 02/01/2025 01:58

Would your DM want her there? That's how i would decide.

No, absolutely not.

OP posts: