Don’t want MiL at my mother’s funeral

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

My elderly mother has passed. She will have a small intimate gathering of closest friends and family.
My MiL wants to come, I have said no, it’s intimate, we are grieving and surrounding her with those who loved her. Mil and mum had relationship beyond pleasantries when they met at kids birthdays etc.
MiL won’t know anybody there and I feel wants to come to gawp, as a spectator, she didn’t live my mum, she didn’t have a relationship with her and mum wasn’t keen. I really don’t want her there.
DH is sulking about it.
For context they are a large catholic family and if they’ve vaguely nodded to someone at a bus stop, they will go to the funeral. We are CofE and far more reserved, I actually think it’s rude to attend a funeral of a person you don’t have depth of feeling for. Both perspectives are valid, but as it’s My Mother - AIBU to just say back off, this is my mums day, my decision, it’s not about your mum and she’s not on the list, that’s the end of it. I’m happy to tell her she can’t come.

@BananaSpanner I went to 2 last year. I’m early 30s so thankfully not at the stage of life yet where they’re a more regular occurrence.

It is absolutely part of English law that a CofE funeral is open to any member of the public that wants to attend.

My English grandparents and their many siblings would be beyond shocked at the heinous bad manners of suggesting that you should exclude anyone from attending a funeral. Most of all a close family member like your husbands mother!

I suppose if there was an existing family feud an individual might be excluded but it would have to be incredibly serious and nobody would be talking about the deceased if it happened, but rather the person excluded! Anyway, I've never heard of it happening, and I've seen ex wives and warring siblings sit meekly together while we pay respects to the dead ( my mums parents had a lot of younger siblings so I've been to a lot of funerals.)

My point being, please don't blame this lack of manners on being English. Traditionally in England funerals are a public event and would have been announced, for example in the local paper, and all family members would be expected to be welcomed whether you liked each other or not.

You made the right decision OP, and your husband is being a selfish arsehole in sulking, he should be backing you up, fancy him sulking and making it all abut his mum, when it's YOUR mother's funeral. Fucking arsehole! I'd be telling him to do a 180 immediately, or fuck off!

Am I right in assuming your MIL goes to funerals just so she can get a free feed/drinks at the wake?

I would say what we have here is in fact a lose lose situation.

Op wishes to use her mother's funeral to insult her husband's mother and her husband. An interesting choice, but I suppose a family feud and a divorce is one way to take your mind off your sorrow.

That’s an incredibly uncharitable view. She wishes to use her mother’s funeral to mourn. It’s what most of us want.

Can you have two events - one private just for you to mourn, sit with and fully feel everything and a public one, that everyone who wishes can attend?

What? Why should she have to go through the speeches etc twice? Funerals are meant to be private, not for the whole world!

I would be astounded if you looked across the breadth of cultures and depth of history and found private funerals were the norm. Private funerals are unusual.

Religious funerals are definitely NOT meant to be private.

She's using the event to exclude her husband's mother who like her or not, is a close family member. To exclude her husband's mother is a major breach of good manners. It is a public insult to the mother in law.

She says her husband 'sulking' . I'm not surprised. Let us pause to note that she has first insulted her husband's mother and is now minimising and therefore gaslighting his feelings in the matter.

You say this is uncharitable, but it is not as uncharitable as excluding a close family member from a family funeral.

Anyone who expects this NOT to be a major family rift, potentially a relationship ending rift, is very foolish.

Can you try to reframe it in your mind that she wants to show support for you?
I would expect in laws at a parents funeral not as a sign they were close to your mum but showing support for you and your DH.

It’s your DMs funeral you can tell her she’s not invited, but if it’s in a church you won’t be able to stop her, you can’t ban people from church, all you can do is say you don’t want her there. You can’t ban people definitely ban her from the wake,

Funerals are for paying respect to both the living and dead, people attend for all sorts of reasons, that’s down to them, you can’t control what others do and feel.

i wouldn’t fight it, say you don’t want her to come as it’s small and intimate and if she turns up just go ahead and spend your time with your family, if she takes offence tell your DH in no uncertain terms he deals with her and tells her this is about you and your family. I’d make it clear this is a big relationship issue between you if he can’t step up and let you grieve how you want to.

My FiL was Irish living in Ireland. He sadly died. My MIL wanted a private funeral with immediate family, children and grandchildren only. They put a memorial notice in the paper thanking people for their kind messages etc saying the funeral was private. People respected it.

Most people have consideration for the feelings of the bereaved living. A funeral is not a public spectacle.

Do try to remember you’re talking about, and to – since this is on her thread – a recently bereaved woman. Show some grace.

Incidentally, OP has explained that her MIL is not a close family member (not everyone views in-laws as family, let alone close family) and, since OP’s family’s custom isn’t to invite a large extended group or open it up to all, it’s really not an insult. Here, OP’s customs override MIL’s.

Her MIL was not 'close' to her mother. If OP doesn't want her there, THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED!

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm astounded by people’s attitudes on this thread.

You have made the right choice. It’s about your mother and those closest to her, no one else.

I was brought up Catholic, but still don’t agree with people turning up at funerals of those they barely knew. Odd behaviour.

You missed that OP said as MIL knows no one, she will expect her husband with her all the time, therefore leaving OP alone. OP needs her husband with her. Not distracted by his selfish mother. His place is by his wife's side.

No, she wants a funeral where she can grieve and mourn her mum with people who loved her. That doesn't include her MIL who had no relationship with OP's mum and no relationship with OP's children either. She is a shit MIL and a shit grandmother.

If her DH divorces her because his awful mum isn't invited to the funeral, the OP would be better off without him.

Funerals are about the deceased primarily, followed by those closest to the deceased.

If someone is hassling to attend a funeral when they’ve been told no, is that not a breach of good manners? I think it’s appalling behaviour.

Let those closest to the deceased farewell them and grieve how they choose.

Very odd to argue otherwise!

@nationalsausagefund

You cannot stop people going into churches or chapels to attend funerals, I have to manage this situation regularly due to my work. You can restrict attendance at a wake as long as it's in a private setting (not an open area of a pub).

If you truly want a private funeral just don't tell people when it is.

Asking someone not to attend who has quarrelled, been abusive or unpleasant to the deceased or their family, or is the OW (or OM) seems reasonable. In the OPs shoes I would not be asking MIL to stay away.

This

I’m sorry for your loss OP, but it is a respect thing.

That still doesn't guarantee it being 'private' because, as I said upthread, regular churchgoers may attend unwittingly. As long as OP is aware of that though, she can manage her expectations.

This is exactly my situation.

My MIL and I are very close, I'm functional enough with my mother, do Christmas, take her to appointments but we're not close.

My mum and MIL have met a few times and comment occasionally on each other's facebook pages.

But if my MIL was to die first, I absolutely do not want my mum at the funeral. I want to be able to support my partner, grieve myself and it'll probably be up to me to "say a few words " because the rest of the family would struggle with that.
I do not want my mum there. The love I have for MIL would likely hit my mum like a slap in the face, and she's better off not being there.
I'd also feel very inhibited having her there.

Other way round, yes my MIL would very likely come to my mums funeral to support us.