Great relationship with SIL but SIL hates my mum

[pnakolada]

Is anyone in this position ?

It's very tricky for me and I have always remained impartial. Listened to both sides if they wanted to talk about it. Always had a good words of peace to say when they've complained about each other..

I've always told my mum straight up when I think she's being out of order or mean to SIL. I've never told SIL when I think she's being mean to my mum though as I think it will ruin our relationship.

I get on very very well with SIL and always have.

But lately, some of the things I'm hearing from my mum about how SIL is treating her.. I am feeling very upset for my mum.

I'll never talk to SIL about it as it won't be good for our relationship. I'm just finding it hard..

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Any advice ?

If you know SIL has done something as fact that you think is mean perhaps remind your SIL that your Mum is getting older/is kind even if she gets it wrong sometimes.

If it’s true and your SIL is treating your mum badly then I’d stand up for my mum. Why would you stick up for SIL but not your own mum? Also is she married to your brother? Where is he in this?

Yeah but it's different isn't it. If I say to my mum ' mum, you're being too much. You shouldn't say XYZ to SIL' she's my mum.. she won't fall out with me over it.

If I say to SIL that I think she's been unkind, then it's not as easy to have a good relationship any more. Don't you think ? With your parents it's just different.

I think your loyalty should be to your Mum unless you know she's being abusive to SIL rather than just a personality clash. I also think your SIL has a bloody nerve complaining about your mum to you. She should deal with it with her husband rather than test your loyalties.

That's tricky if your mum was the 1st to be mean to your sil and was so for a period of time the it's to be expected that sil would cut mil out or just be cold towards her if its more than that perhaps have a word with her

It's because my mum won't leave my abusive father. SIL says she's a bad mum to us and should just leave. She's sick and tired of hearing about the issues. It's very complicated and long. But that's the crux of it.

Again, how is SIL related? Where is your brother (or whoever) in this?

@Pandasnacks he mostly agrees with her.

If your fil is abusing your mil and she won't leave or do anything except complain about him to sil then sil is justified in complaining about mil whinging to her but she should really tell mil straight that unless she wanting to leave fil that she doesn't want to heat about it anymore

I assume she’s married to your brother/sister? What do they have to say?

If you genuinely think she is being unkind to your mum/wrong in how she is treating her then why are you prioritising her liking you over standing up for your mum?
By being silent you have made it seem like you agree with her

Ok, so your brother agrees. I’d talk to him about your mum and try and get him to see that your mum needs to find her way in her own time and for now needs support. If that’s listening to her complaining then I guess that’s helping.

Why isn’t he the issue then? I still think it’s poor that your mum is in an abusive relationship and now SIL is being horrible too but you still won’t risk upsetting SIL to help your mum out. Maybe she’s not earnt that from you if she’s raised you in an abusive household, but it’s still poor.

So she is bullying an elderly woman who is married to an abuser? What a hypocrite!
why are you not calling her out on it and stand up for your mum?

Well SIL has a point and she's actually parroting what your brother and her think.

Your Mum is making your abusive father part of their lives because she won't leave him.

I understand it's difficult to leave your abuser and that's all you can say to your SIL, that's she's trauma bonded.

I do. I've said it to both of them, nicely. But they don't want to know. They disagree. They think she's the issue.

So she is bullying an elderly woman who is married to an abuser? What a hypocrite!
why are you not calling her out on it and stand up for your mum?

Yes I feel like this but apparently I don't know how bad she is and all the millions of ways she's been nasty to her / them. It's a very difficult situation.

You’ve got your priorities very wrong and sound like an awful daughter. I feel sorry for your Mum.

She is the issue not being able to leave her abuser?? How can you be so close with people who think like that about your mum?

@Pandasnacks they just don't get it. I've pointed it out / tried to educate them but they talk about all her bad qualities and how frustrating she is.

I'm very close with my mum and supportive. She also doesn't want me to get in the middle and properly kick off at them. I try to educate them on why abused women can't leave. They're just done with the whole thing though.

Some people find it very difficult to be around the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

Yes in an ideal world your SIL would understand that it's hard to leave and it's a very difficult situation, but if your mum has been in the situation for a long time then people do get tired of hearing about how awful the abuser has been/how nice and lovely he now is.

Not everyone can give that support.

If you can that is great.
If your SIL cannot then that is the reality.

You know literally a couple of details about me. You can't make that judgement. It's a very very complicated situation. And I do support my mum, A LOT.

I wouldn't want a good relationship with someone who was awful to my mum tbh.

I get that you want to keep out of it to an extent but there has to come a point where you can't overlook the treatment (if it's out of order). More context needed really.

Honestly does she have the same issues with her son, or just his wife?

They're not in the wrong imo - if she's deciding not to leave / doesn't want to seek help - what else can they do? It's not helpful to constantly be so supportive of someone who's not wanting to help their own situation - you're obviously supportive to her, but she can't expect the same of her DIL.

In your SILs situation, why on earth would she want to continue hearing about the situations your MIL is in if she won't take help or advice? Not everyone wants to be the support to someone who won't leave an abusive situation, it's a lot to ask of someone.

I can and I do.

They are just spent. They've tried everything, you know ? He's even been abusive towards them. And my mum still lets it go. SIL has had enough, especially when she was placed in an unsafe situation herself by my father and my mum STILL won't leave. It's like, what else does he need to do for you to leave and prioritise your kids and grandkids safety ?