Great relationship with SIL but SIL hates my mum

[pnakolada]

Is anyone in this position ?

It's very tricky for me and I have always remained impartial. Listened to both sides if they wanted to talk about it. Always had a good words of peace to say when they've complained about each other..

I've always told my mum straight up when I think she's being out of order or mean to SIL. I've never told SIL when I think she's being mean to my mum though as I think it will ruin our relationship.

I get on very very well with SIL and always have.

But lately, some of the things I'm hearing from my mum about how SIL is treating her.. I am feeling very upset for my mum.

I'll never talk to SIL about it as it won't be good for our relationship. I'm just finding it hard..

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Any advice ?

What does your mother say about your SIL to you?

Mum is angry about it and says SIL is unreasonable - who does she think she is ? This is my life.. it's not up to her to decide for me what I should do. That kind of thing.

It would depend on what your father has actually done and the details which i appreciate you not wanting to share.

Do you actually agree that your mum is a bad mother?

It's up to sil to cut contact but granny should be able to see the grandkids in a safe place maybe with your brother... and sil shouldn't shout at her and educate herself on abused women and why they dont leave. But i dont think its your job to enlighten her.

If sil talks about your mum stop her. Tell her you dont want to go there.
If mum vents about sil, let her do so she is very isolated as is by your father and staying with him.
Your mum needs support.

@Cnidarian you think it would be reasonable for me to cut my mum off too ?

I do not think my mum is a bad mum at all, no.

My brother thinks she is / was. He also thinks she's a bad granny. Which I also completely disagree with.

When I do disagree he just says I don't know her the way he does. That kind of thing.

My mum came from a very abusive home herself. She had no chance. She gave us the best she could and she continues to do so. She's also a great granny and all her grandkids adore her.

She's extremely generous and supportive.

She also has her bad sides. She can be critical and she does think she's better at a lot of stuff than we are ( her kids ). But overall? She's a good person. She's had a tough time.

Is there perhaps something going on or something in the past that your brother knows about and you don’t?

Also, what is your dad doing that makes everyone unsafe? Does your brother have anything to do with him?

That's @Pandasnacks point, why are you prioritizing a relationship with your SIL if she is truly being mean to your mother?

I guess it depends on what's she is doing but from what you wrote it comes across as SIL is definitely doing the wrong things but you don't want to confront her for fear of affecting you relationship with SIL.

That's not a good enough reason and we're not say you have to go guna blazing to SIL ( well or depends on what she is doing to your mother) but when she brings it up which you said she does you can also say I think you were wrong here or maybe you shouldn't have done this or that.

Your brother might be right or it could be sil victimising him and making the situation worse. I would prioritise supporting mum because she has less support in life by letting her know what yoi appreciate about her, spending time with her, inviting her for things to get away from dad which it sounds like you already do to be frank...
I don't think i'd forgive sil for shouting at and isolating mum, she is misdirecting anger at the victim and alienating your brother and their kids.

Yes. It's not your job to fix your Mum, you are her daughter and if you have been exposed to violence and abuse through your life it is OK for you to say no more. I say this with kindness. I don't think you've had your feelings put first by many people in your life, and you've always had to try so hard to make things OK for everyone. It sounds like your brother, SIL and you have put the routes to leaving there for her. There isn't much more you can do. It would be OK to say enough, for you as well as your brother and SIL.

I don't think so.

He's just showed very aggressive behaviour.

They don't have any contact with my dad at all.

You agree she has bad sides - that she’s critical. Your SIL doesn’t love your mum like you do so won’t be as tolerate of this as you, which helps explain why she finds her difficult.
Sounds like your brother feels the same way as her so I wouldn’t frame it as SILs decision re grandchildren but the parents have made a choice- you don’t have to agree with it but you have to respect it.
I think this is a situation you have no control over and I would take one massive step back. I would support your mum and keep friends with your SIL but say that you don’t want to be piggy in the middle and change the topic if it comes up.

Whether it is right or wrong is irrelevant. This is what your brother and SIL have decided for their family - you can control whether you stay in contact, you don’t get to control whether others do so.

@pnakolada What your complaining about is the fact that your sil and db are correctly blaming your mum for enabling your father putting her (sil) in harms way just as she did with you and your brother (her dh) were when you were children and most likely minimizing what he's done whilst refusing every offer of help to leave him, yet still complaining to them about films abuse.
That's pretty fucked up. Your db and sil are 100% correct and should cut your mum off. Why are you enabling your parents dysfunctional relationship instead of walking away to protect from further harm? Look up FOG and may I suggest getting some therapy.

@Roundthetwisties but I get to control how I feel about it.

This. I'd back my Mum 10000% against anyone and fuck whoever disagreed with me. It's your Mum?!

You're not being impartial and you are taking sides - you don't mind telling your mum that she's in the wrong but you won't tell SIL because you don't want to upset her. That's not remaining neutral. I would stand up for my mum no matter who it was having a go about her, why wouldn't you?

Sure, but keep those feelings to yourself (or on MN). Don’t try to use these feelings to guilt SIL or Bro into resuming contact.

It's not as black and white as that at all in our situation.

Brother and SIL have a point, sadly. I wish they didn't.

@Roundthetwisties this is why I don't say it. But I'm hurting. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Which is why I wrote this post.

@Endofyear I may not ' have a go ' at Brother and SIL but I do talk about the fact that abuse is very difficult to understand. I send them links about it and try to educate them on the subject.

I say good for your SIL. She's right.

I feel sometimes as well when people have seen someone get abused and stay they lose respect and think they can (and do) pile in on the abuse further.

Sil fights back and has everyone fearful of upsetting her and respectful of her boundaries.

It must have been awful for your mum to hear that she's a bad mother. She will have a lot of guilt and shame about the whole thing already.

Yeah I feel like my brother can also be pretty nasty to my mum. He puts down what she does / has done A LOT.

It's just all really sad. Whichever way I spin it, it sucks for everyone.

I do think your SIL is getting scape- goated here. Your brother / her husband / the father of her children has said your Mum was not / is not a good parent. Presumably she is taking her lead from him in her view of your DM. Combine that with your DM, who your SIL views as a bad parent, criticising her - that's a recipe for disaster. I feel bad for you but if I were your SIL I would be doing the same (minus the screaming). I also think you have to accept your brothers view of his parents as being his truth - it's entirely possible for siblings to experience their parents in different ways.