Great relationship with SIL but SIL hates my mum

[pnakolada]

Is anyone in this position ?

It's very tricky for me and I have always remained impartial. Listened to both sides if they wanted to talk about it. Always had a good words of peace to say when they've complained about each other..

I've always told my mum straight up when I think she's being out of order or mean to SIL. I've never told SIL when I think she's being mean to my mum though as I think it will ruin our relationship.

I get on very very well with SIL and always have.

But lately, some of the things I'm hearing from my mum about how SIL is treating her.. I am feeling very upset for my mum.

I'll never talk to SIL about it as it won't be good for our relationship. I'm just finding it hard..

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Any advice ?

Not dangerous physically but what about emotionally? The way she talks about you and your DB as spoilt and entitled, minimising your lived experiences, being a narcissist?

This is very interesting to me. Is that a sign of her being a narcissist then? I always feel so shit when she says we are spoilt and entitled.

She says it a fair amount that we don't know how good we had it.

I have had therapy by the way ! The therapist concluded that even though my partners had their issues, they obviously loved us a lot and did their best, taking into account their own issues.

Here here, she's your kotherm and the fact you can tell your mother what you think about what she says about sister in law but never tells off sil about her slagging off your mother as she don't want to ruin the relationship. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who slags off my mother. Seriously.

Imagine what she says about you behind your back.

Like pp, your loyalty lies with your mother.

Take care

She's your mother * not kotherm typing mistake

Yes its a massive red flag of a narcissist.
I'm sorry but you saying that you'd cut your mem 9ff if you saw her emotionally abusing your dc is a joke when you can't even see that she's still abusing you everytime she says this to you.
Sorry to be so harsh but you need to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. You are being abused by BOTH of your parents YOU are allowing your dc to be abused by seeing BOTH of your parents abuse you. Why are you CHOOSING to spend Christmas with your abusers and putting your own children through that. You need to cut off both of your parents to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN and yourself.

Does it matter what the term for it is?
It is not acceptable to be treated this way - your DB and SIL can see that and have removed themselves and their children from the situation.

You say your mum can’t leave her abuser - in a similar way, neither can you.

@noworklifebalance it blows my mind a bit that you think my mum is abusive towards me.

I'm not saying she's not but it just blows my mind.

OP's mum has told OP and her brother, who both had abusive childhoods, that they were spoilt and entitled because their childhoods weren't as bad as hers. She told them that what their father was doing wasn't so bad.

OP is loyal to her mother. Too loyal in fact. Her brother and SIL have the right idea by keeping their children away from OP's mum.

You don’t see it because you grew up with it.

What does your partner/husband think of your parents? When you see how his family behave in comparison to yours.

Your descriptions of your childhood are quite chilling. Do you agree with your therapist that your parents did their best? That your abusive dad loved you a lot? I'm quite surprised that a therapist would minimise your parents' abuse of you and your brother.

This is the saddest thing that you've posted as her abuse of you drips off of your posts.
I was where you are years ago so I know that it's hard to see it for what it is when your still inside it but I promise you that when you leave and start to look at it from the outside with a good therapist who specialises in adult children of abusive parents you will see ot as clearly as many posters on here do

This is your normal. I think it takes an outsider (or many in the case of this thread) to see it for what it is and call it for what it is.

Well, his family is also complicated tbh.

His mother is actually similar in the fact that she's been quite critical and when I have stood up to her, she turns it into a ' me ' issue - my mum does the same. Like, aren't you so sensitive that it upset you that I did/ said X.

There's also a lot of obligation to the parents just because they're parents etc.

His parents didn't have an abusive marriage and that kind of thing. But it's also a bit weird.

So when I talk to my H about it, he's like ' but it's a different time. Your parents come from a different time. That kind of abuse was just normal then. Your dad is a psycho but they're not that bad. '... he would never see my parents as being dangerous for our kids etc.

He finds them annoying and he thinks they think they're better than us, very much like his parents think they're better than us. But he thinks it's just a generational thing and both of our families have been quite successful financially so they're a bit arrogant, I guess. He thinks my mum is a good grandma and that kind of thing.

I guess you could say he minimises it a bit too. But he does understand brother and SIL not wanting anything to do with them too. He gets why. We don't see my parents as much as we live further away and aren't as involved, I guess. Day to day.

So you both have bad family’s and you both kinda down play it.

I get it, its easier for your partner to claim it’s just part of how things where back then. But it wasn’t.

Not everyone has parents who everytime they where upset where told they where the problem (too sensitive).

He thinks your dad’s psycho but not that bad… those two things cannot truly exist together. One might pretend to be nice to certain people.

This thread is really disturbing the way you minimise everything even the title of your thread is completely misleading. You need to distance yourself from your mum. This isn’t normal.

Everyone who is replying all this boood is thicker than water shit are equally as disturbing and should read all the updates before replying.

You need more therapy OP and find someone who will listen and not minimise it down to they loved you and did their best.

I suspect you are a similar age to me (mid 40s) and no that wasn’t normal growing up in the 1980s at all

i think they both sound abusive and your coping mechanism is to put it all on your Dad (who undoubtedly is incredibly abusive) and set yiur mother up as the victim you need to look after even though whilst she may have been a victim in her marriage she wasn’t with you. This is starting to make you question the whole dynamic you have created.

yiur husband isn’t helping either and who knows what your children are seeing with their grandparents

does yiur SIL have a strong relationship with her parents

Thanks for everyone's insights. It's all round shit and honestly I am SO confused by all of it.

My feelings are very conflicted.

So why then are you making this about your SIL when even your brother puts down your mum and is nasty to her?

You choose to either stabs up for your mum and push back against your brother and SIL ot prioritize your relationship with you SIL and keep quiet and continue to support your mum.

Sounds as if your brother is quite angry and upset about his childhood and that seems quite reasonable to me if his father was abusive and his mother minimises it. It sounds as if your mother also expects her family to share some of the ongoing drama of your dad and sympathise with her and prop her up, even if they don't see him any more. I understand why you want to help your mum, but I also understand why your brother and SIL do not and are quite cross about it.

Witnessing domestic abuse is also being exposed to abuse as a child - your brother is within his rights to feel cross about that, and to feel that your mum has inadequate boundaries - even if it is not her "fault", that doesn't mean that he cannot have a boundary.

It's sad all round. I think that all you can do is make your own choices. If it were me, I'd tell my brother and sister in law that I support them in their choice to maintain distance, even if I don't make the same decision, that I don't want to be involved myself in any drama and am going to try to stay out of it and not be involved myself whilst maintaining a separate relationship with them. I'd also make clear to my mum that I do not want to be involved in any drama or pick any sides, that I want to support her, but I understand that my brother doesn't want involvement any more and will respect that.

If you make clear that you're not interested in hearing or commenting on what each side says to the other, then it will be less upsetting for you. You're not going to mend the relationship for them.