Great relationship with SIL but SIL hates my mum

[pnakolada]

Is anyone in this position ?

It's very tricky for me and I have always remained impartial. Listened to both sides if they wanted to talk about it. Always had a good words of peace to say when they've complained about each other..

I've always told my mum straight up when I think she's being out of order or mean to SIL. I've never told SIL when I think she's being mean to my mum though as I think it will ruin our relationship.

I get on very very well with SIL and always have.

But lately, some of the things I'm hearing from my mum about how SIL is treating her.. I am feeling very upset for my mum.

I'll never talk to SIL about it as it won't be good for our relationship. I'm just finding it hard..

Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Any advice ?

What is your SIL doing that’s unkind?

If they were ‘done with it’ then fine, but SIL is being horrible to your mum, so she’s not done with it, she’s a bully.

My SIL is a very empathetic person. She's always been there encouraging and supporting. But she's just had it at this point. Same for my bro.

They'd even let her live with them etc. they've offered her every support possible and she just won't do it.

She's screamed at her recently and she is basically cutting her out entirely now. No more seeing the grandchildren etc.

Is this to protect her children from your dad? Or is she worried your mum isn't safe to be around? Why did she scream at her?
It sounds so very complex. It would be awful for your mum to be cut out but I do wonder about the dynamics above.

That's one hell of a drip feed!

So your pool SIL has had her MIL live with her, offered support and help - then been put into an unsafe situation by her and the abuser, abused by her FIL and her MIL still won't leave?

No wonder she's going NC 🤷🏻‍♀️ honestly it sounds like anything else would be enabling at this point.

Oh yeah can’t think why your mum can’t pluck up the courage to leave her abusive husband for abusive SIL. Poor woman.

Where does it say that? I’ve missed that info

Actually no, listening doesn't necessarily help at all. Sometimes it just lets the person unburden themselves enough to go back and shoulder a load more abuse. My mother was like this.

It's really fucked up. I'm really really sad about everything and I don't know what to do to make things better for everyone. It's not straightforward at all.

I'll continue to be there for my mum. That's all I can do. I just feel so sad for my mum. She just can't do it.

If your SIL has been put in a dangerous situation by your father and also feels that her children's safety is being compromised, it is entirely understandable why she is criticising your mother. She doesn't have the love and loyalty that you feel for your mum. Does your SIL think that your support for her is actually enabling your mother to stay with your father?

Your SIL is right here, of course it's a shame for your mother, but this has obviously had a deep impact on your brother and they have every right to shield their children from witnessing this abuse or being tied up in the dynamic.

Does SIL feel your mum can't protect her , grandchildren children effectively from your dad's abuse?

I think you're right. That doesn't mean it's not extremely painful for my mum and also for me to witness the situation. I wish I could do something, but I can't. And this is also why I don't say anything/ can't say anything.

If your SIL is cutting your mum off to protect her children from your abusive father then she's completely reasonable to do that. If your mum won't keep her grandchildren safe, then I don't really know what else you think your SIL could do?

Can I ask what mean things your mum has said about SIL? You said it has been both ways but SIL’s seems to be mostly about FIL and protecting her and her family.

Are MIL’s on the same topic or something else?

Your brother and SIL don't sound very nice at all. I can't understand why you want to be close to them. Why aren't they being mean to your dad who is the problem? If it's because they are scared of him they should understand how your mum feels.
They don't have to see your mum but she is stuck. I'm going to assume she's been with your dad for a long time and he has broken her.
Please stick up for your mum (because clearly everyone else is being unsupportive/abusive). At a minimum tell your SIL you don't want to discuss your mum with her. She can do that with your brother.
Your SIL knew what your father was like and she allowed him to see her children. That's on her, not your mum

Abusive father has been cut off already. But my mum is persona non grata because of her association with him. So it's not like my mum won't keep her kids safe from my father or something like that, because contact has been cut anyway. They'd just see my mum on her own. Have been for ages anyway. But the fact that mum remains with my dad and that mum has in the past tolerated her children ( me and bro ) and SIL to be put in an unsafe situation and hasn't taken action, is SIL's bottom line.

Don't blame the SIL. She's right.

Your SIL and brother have every right to cut this out of their lives. They have tried, and it is far, far too toxic. It is a shame your mum won't leave, but this is a consequence of staying. Your SIL doesn't have to accept it, and she is not being cruel she is protecting her family. Your Mum did not protect you or your brother from your father, she is a victim also and it is hard to leave, but you cannot possibly expect that your SIL would make the choice to expose her children to this having seen how painful it has been for her husband.

But does she have to cut off my mum completely ? I don't know if that's the right way to go about it.

you sai sil was absuve to er how? telling someone they shoul leave isnt abusive

I never said SIL was abusive to my mum.

She did scream at her. She told her she's a bad mother.

And now she's cutting her off as well. Because she's not leaving.

sorry for using te wrong term-she isnt wrong though

Cutting her out is reasonable. It would be for you too, if you chose.