Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

But you're being dismissive of how he is. When you said looking for fossils was 'more what he likes to do', what's wrong with that, given that you also said your DD enjoys it? It came over (to me, anyway) like you somehow feel it doesn't count because it isn't what you think he should be doing to engage with your DD.

Can he play with his daughter on the computer or a games system like that? I understand you might be wanting to avoid technology with a child, but maybe this would be a way of him engaging with a child.

Many parents I know lead children into what they enjoyed. You enjoyed games as a child so are happy to play them. I enjoy board games and we have quite a collection, but anything novelty or involving stupid actions I will not buy. My OH and I are not into football, our children are therefore not into it either as this has not been encouraged by us and neither have really mentioned wanting to play so I would suggest the fact he is getting her to join in fossil hunting is his way to engage, and not everyone will do the same thing.

Each parent will bring something different to the plate, I would be seen as the boring parent. I am the one who sticks to the rules, tells the children off, won't play silly games whereas OH will allow some rule breaking and mess around winding the kids up (which is fine til I need to step in and stop it when the kids get carried away). If we were both fun parents the house would be crazy. So enjoy your role and perhaps leave him to his.

Well your guilty of the same board game are what you like to do

I have forced my DH to "have fun " with the kids all their lives and it never really worked. I do still think it's because he's miserable and lazy but he is shy and has anxiety so that may be a harsh judgement by me.

Regardless, look to the future. As a pp has said, what does he do with her? Build on and expand what he enjoys doing with her- it will make it more natural. If he likes TV and music, what going to a show? As long as they are having fun and quality time together, that is the aim.

Re games - I think you need to communicate. What games does he like? Why? What needs to change for him to enjoy it more?

If he just can't do it, cut your losses, leave him out and enjoy your playtime with DD and let him do something else with her.

Happy 2025!

Sorry but I think you are being unfair to expect him to join in forced play , not everyone wants to do it and it’s obviously not his thing, be pleased he goes for walks fossil hunting , sounds much better use of his dad & daughter time

This. It's not that he doesn't like a particular game or type of games, it's that he can't be bothered doing anything with his daughter. That's no kind of childhood for her.

Agree with this. So long as he has ways to enjoy time with her indoors or outdoors (including the bedtime stories) then all is good. Did you buy all the board games? Maybe get him to buy one he'll play, one from his childhood? It might be more boring in your eyes but still fun for all three of you. Early days but he might also get into playing Minecraft or similar with her.

My DH is introverted and has anxiety (same as me) but still plays silly games with the kids (who are now 10 and 12) each day (hide and seek, tickles, various made up games) - he also likes taking them fossil hunting etc. I’m the opposite - hate playing made up games as I have no imagination - so prefer things like crafting and baking, or just watching silly YouTube videos (which DH hates) so different strokes for different folks. We play board and card games all together. DH does occasionally get annoyed at me similar to you OP for not doing the fun play as invariably the kids are on at him to play and sometimes he wants a break which is fair enough. FYI He’s also mid forties and starting to feel his age -he’s not a “floor person” 😀 any more.

Mine too.

i don’t know, obv you know him better, but that’s what occurred to me reading your post

Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games.

YABU

I would be very grumpy too if I had been asleep and was woken up wanting to play board games.

Did you seriously think he’d come down jumping for joy and full of energy after being asleep?

If my DC wanted to play a board game for 3 people but her dad was asleep, I would have told her that we can’t play tonight and we’ll play it tomorrow instead.
And then found a game we can play with 2 people.

I’m quite shocked how many people on here have voted YANBU and would be happy for their DH to wake them up from sleeping just to play a game.

Fossil hunting sounds way more fun to me than games where I would have to stand up without my arms in a jumper. Let him play with his daughter as he likes.

He may be depressed, he may just be very tired if he has a demanding job and just wants to sleep for a while.

Also I am someone who can be silly and act childish but not everyone can.

He doesn’t have to be childish to have fun with DD.

There will be lots of activities he can do like bike riding or colouring, that would create a strong bond between them and give her lovely memories, just as much as tickling and acting silly.

In couples there tends to be one parent who is more silly and that just happens to be you.
He doesn’t need to act like that too.

He sounds a little like my ex . literally could not be bothered to do anything that didnt benefit him. I felt like a single parent long before i was one. Took himself off to bed with every sniffle, sitting on the toilet for hours a day, literally if he was genuinely using the toilet for that amount of time he would have been wasting away. leaving all the childcare to me .
Could never challenge him though as he would hit the roof! was actually a huge narcissist.
Hope that isnt the same for you but if it is honestly run! It sounds like your dd is an only child which means you are both her playmates, he has to do his bit, school holidays are tough.

Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her

I salute you for doing this. I've heard that this type of play is important to growing up and feeling confident and at ease with one's body.

Yes, it could be that your husband is very serious, but sometimes, it's pure selfishness. It's never dawned on them that spending time with children involves emotional labour and doing things that are fun and interesting for them. They don't need to be fun OR interesting for the adult for those activities to have value.

See I wouldn't have bought such a bloody game in the first place . That kind of stuff is just not my scene.

I never tended to play silly games with my kids either. Doesn't seem to have harmed them

Like this one, as an example.

Honestly such men that don't do anything should not be surprised when their wives have the audacity to leave them.

I can’t play. I love my children and I do loads with them but I can’t ‘play’. I’m the same with dogs. I don’t know why - I’m just not wired that way. My parents never played with us growing up. I have a very task focussed brain and I feel guilty if I’m not doing something constructive so maybe that is why.

Fortunately my DH is very good at playing so they don’t miss out.

This is one of those threads where you just disagree with everything that doesn’t support your view. You’ve already said DD enjoys doing that with her dad so why does it matter whose idea it is. Also sounds like the board games are your idea so how is that different?

I couldn't do this either.
Waste of life, but then I opted out of having
a family.
Your husband, however, does not get a choice.

Is he otherwise a decent man? Not everyone is good at playing games. I love my mum dearly and we have a great relationship but she didn't play with us as kids and it never occurred to me that she would.

Without wishing to sound unsympathetic, you picked him. Unless he has had some dramatic change in personality recently, his behaviour cannot have come as a complete surprise to you. You are judging him by the standards of your own conventional and idyllic childhood. Why not let him get on with the father and child activities that he enjoys, while you provide the more conventional play? Of course, it's not ideal, but he clearly isn't going to be dragged kicking and screaming into becoming the ideal father figure that you (and your kids) would like him to be.

It is hard on parents these days.
I know I'd feel pretty much emotionally terrorised in my own home if every chance of a downtime was pierced by "I'm booored!" "Maaaamy, I want to plaaay!".
When I was six (and every childhood year from then on) the word "bored" seemed to magically summon an adult, the door was busted open in front of me and I was told to go out and play until someone will call me in for food. And so I did. And so did all the other 15 or so children outside. Good old times 😊

I'm not the best playmate for my DS - it bores me so much I could cry. I'm good at adventures that can keep me present and awake enough - trail walking, going to find an abandoned castle or fort, night swimming, mushroom picking in the woods or we go to art museums and galleries to choose our favourites. We've been mooching to coffee shops and back since he was a baby in a carrier, and that has endured as our bonding time.
Now there's screen time and also a couple of friends outside to play with and I think I've managed to sail through with no games, crafting and baking. Thank god.

To me it sounds more like you are the responsible parent and he perhaps isnt. Fun doesnt equal irresponsible /immature/ not knowing when to stop.

I agree, plus you've said OP, that he puts her to bed alternate nights, reads stories, takes her out, listens to music with her and watches tv with her. So he is spending time with her and as she gets older they'll likely find other ways to bond. Let them find their own way and forget about trying to force him to join in with games. You spend time with her in ways you want to and let him do his own stuff with dd. Just because he's not interested in doing the sort of things you want him to do doesn't make him wrong.

I do think he sounds depressed - lack of interest in life and others, aches and pains, fatigue, moodiness are all symptoms. Or he could have a chronic illness slowly developing over the last few years as another poster mentioned.

Encourage your dd to play on her own too and she has friends at school and home to play with and socialise with as well. She doesn't have to be entertained by her parents around the clock.

My dad worked full time, rarely ever played board games etc with me yet I have lovely memories of us just hanging out, spending time together. Playing lots of games isn't the only way to be a good father.