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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL being a bit bitchy about name choice

227 replies

Pettypity · 01/01/2025 13:05

My SIL is pregnant and has found out she’s having a girl. She’s announced the name despite only being about half way through the pregnant. The issue is that the name is the one she knew I was going to use if my last pregnancy had have been a girl. She also knows my husband and I are trying and recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name. I just think it’s really bitchy of her when she knows I had planned to call a baby girl this name.

she done similar with her last baby too, announced the name a few weeks before I gave birth and it was another one of the names we were considering

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/01/2025 15:05

MyLimeGuide · 01/01/2025 14:58

Because 'in my opinion' it's a hurtful thing to do and can be avoided by just picking a different name out of the infinity of variables

Show quote history

Why does that only apply to the sister-in-law? Why do the OP's feelings trump hers?

Sunbeam01 · 01/01/2025 15:09

Sorry for you loss OP.

I would go ahead and use the name if you have a daughter.

Topee · 01/01/2025 15:11

Just phone her, apologise and say you were being a bit ridiculous and of course it doesn’t matter if they use the name. Tell them that you think it will be quite sweet for the cousins to have the same name should you go on to have a girl in the future.

MrsPeregrine · 01/01/2025 15:11

ShortyShorts · 01/01/2025 14:13

You can't 'steal' a name full stop.

In that case there’s nothing wrong of the OP chooses to uses the name if she has a baby girl in the future then 🤷‍♀️

steff13 · 01/01/2025 15:17

MrsPeregrine · 01/01/2025 15:11

In that case there’s nothing wrong of the OP chooses to uses the name if she has a baby girl in the future then 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Correct, there is not.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 15:18

@Pettypity Even better, say “ I loooove the name Mildred for a daughter, or Cecil for a boy , don’t you think they are such special names?”

When she pulls a fait accompli with Cecil or Mildred you can say “ Tada! Only Joking!”

RabbitsEatPancakes · 01/01/2025 15:19

YABU.

You told her your name before you had a baby to stop her stealing it. How would she have stolen the name if she didn't know it? You told her to lay a claim before you even had a daughter.
And you're annoyed she's announced the name early but you announced your possible names early.

thescandalwascontained · 01/01/2025 15:19

YABU for telling anyone the names you were considering/had picked

YANBU for thinking she's done this on purpose and she's probably quite the cow in other areas, too

Pickledpeanuts · 01/01/2025 15:20

I think you are being unfair.

It sounds as though a few years ago you had a conversation where you said something along the lines of "we're going with Emily if it's a girl, or Matthew, Mark, Luke or John if it's a boy". Sil then conceived after her mc, and on finding out the gender picks John. Now, after a number of years she is pregnant again and has picked Emily.

You had the expectation that by saying these names years ago that no-one else could use them in case you became pregnant again and had a child of that sex.

You can still go with the names you liked, plenty of cousins share a name. Your sil could have mentioned she liked the same names, but given you both have experienced loss and both seem to share similar tastes I don't blame her for going with her preference (as should you).

Brefugee · 01/01/2025 15:24

if she wants a name, she can use it. If you really want a name you can use it too.

Within our wider family we have a set of sisters who fell pregnant within 3 months of each other. the 2nd one is married to a man with a fairly common first name, that is his, his fathers, his grandfathers, his great grandfathers etc etc. So it was very clear that if she had a boy he would get that name.

The first child was born, a boy, and sister 1 gave her child that name. A few months later, 2nd child was born. A boy, and sister 2 gave her child that name. Sister 1 got in a snit and didn't talk to sister 2 for nearly a decade. The rest of us just point and laugh (at 1).

YouveGotNoBloodyIdea · 01/01/2025 15:24

ShortyShorts · 01/01/2025 14:19

No one does this in real life though. Of course you won’t call the child the same name as their cousin

I can't quite believe I've just read that?

I'm from a huge Irish family and lots of cousins have the same names.

indeed - and not just Irish families - in my very english paternal family we have two cousins who chose the same name for their daughters, one is a few years older than the other, but same (popular at the time) name, same surname. Really not a big deal.

When I just put their name into google a whole page came up of people with the same name and surname, many around the same age, all clearly different people.

MrsJoanDanvers · 01/01/2025 15:27

I don’t understand this modern thing of naming your kids an individual name for them and getting upset if someone chooses the same name. When I was young, it was common to have several Sophies, Louises, James etc-and shock horror, family members often had duplicated names too! Your child is an individual because of their personality and things unique to them-their name doesn’t define them. Your child will have lots of challenges during their life-being called the same name as their mum’s friend’s kid won’t be one of them.

sweetgingercat · 01/01/2025 15:28

Tell her your favourite name a really stupid one that you don’t like….

Likewhatever · 01/01/2025 15:29

Not very nice of her OP but don’t worry, when hopefully you have your baby and get to use the name YOU thought of, you’ll be able to tell everyone you know the amusing story of how your DD has a cousin with the exact same name.

Harrysmummy246 · 01/01/2025 15:31

Pettypity · 01/01/2025 13:05

My SIL is pregnant and has found out she’s having a girl. She’s announced the name despite only being about half way through the pregnant. The issue is that the name is the one she knew I was going to use if my last pregnancy had have been a girl. She also knows my husband and I are trying and recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name. I just think it’s really bitchy of her when she knows I had planned to call a baby girl this name.

she done similar with her last baby too, announced the name a few weeks before I gave birth and it was another one of the names we were considering

DH cousin and wife gave their 2nd DS same as ours, asked if we mind. Why would we? They're named for their great grandfather

Barleysugar86 · 01/01/2025 15:40

MargaretThursday · 01/01/2025 13:32

I think the issue in these situations is that to the OP it's been a very memorable conversation where they have expressed a deep desire over the name Florence-Kirkpatrick-Jade and made it very clear that this is their name that they want to give.

To the other person, if they remember the conversation at all, it was more about a light chat about baby names where they both said a few names they liked and might use, but no definite plans.

Very much this!
When we named our boy we had a good friend get very upset with us because he said he'd told my husband that was the name they planned to use if they had a boy- he'd set up the email address and everything. They were going through infertility so I could totally understand why it was painful for him that we'd used it.

The conversation had apparently happened over some drinks in the pub before we'd even gotten pregnant, but my husband could not remember it at all. It was a name on my shortlist for a while and not incredibly obscure (around 40 on the boys names list) and it was me who'd suggested using it when I was pregnant.

We almost lost a friend for good over it. I was mad at my husband for not remembering to warn me but I can understand why at that time the name itself didn't register, because noone was actually pregnant and the name mentioned was pretty inconsequential to the conversation itself. I think its dangerous to assume people are remembering and using it maliciously from one conversation.

Mumofteenandtween · 01/01/2025 15:40

Well either they are telling the truth or they are lying.

If they are telling the truth then it is just one of those annoying things that happen in life. Mutter a bit and move on.

If they are lying then they have named their child a name just because you like it. Which is hilarious! Imagine if you wanted to call a daughter Tallullah-Princess-Symphony! Perhaps it could become a family tradition - you name all the children! I hope that you are strutting suitably - oh King High Child Namer!

christmaslatte · 01/01/2025 15:41

I'm sorry for your loss.

Of course it's unkind of her, especially given the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.

Just be glad you're able to pick names that genuinely mean something to you.

Imagine basing your child's identity on trying to get one up on a family member. Her behaviour is tragic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2025 15:41

Pettypity · 01/01/2025 13:59

No sorry there’s 2 different timelines, sorry I haven’t explained this well.

the first time around I was pregnant and announced names for a girl (being the name we both like) and a list of boys names. I didn’t know she was miscarrying at the time. She got pregnant soon after and found out the gender before I gave birth, she picked a boys name from the list I said (although she said I never said this name and her and BIL had it picked out long before that) and I had a boy a few weeks later.

fast forward to today, she is pregnant and has announced she’s using the girls name I said a few years ago being the only girl’s name I liked. Again she’s claiming she’s always loved this name.

Show quote history

Do you normally get on with your sil? The other explanation could be that she doesn’t even consciously remember the conversation about baby names as she was in the middle of miscarrying. You may even have planted the names in her brain but she could have no recollection of where those names come from. So perhaps she isn’t being a bitch at all.

I would do as has been suggested a few posts back. Apologise for getting upset. She should understand as she knows what it is to miscarry. And tell her you’re intending on using the name if you have a girl.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/01/2025 15:43

I wonder why there is absolutely no blame at all being attached to the father of SIL’s children even though I assume he has a say in the name. It’s just the SIL that is bitchy.

BarbaraHoward · 01/01/2025 15:46

BIL is siding with her saying they’ve had the name picked from years ago and that it’s just coincidence that we both like it and if I had have had a girl when I had my last son, his wife would’ve have had to suck it up and that me and my husband should be doing the same.

He's exactly right. You don't get to reserve a name for all time.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2025 15:47

MrsJoanDanvers · 01/01/2025 15:27

I don’t understand this modern thing of naming your kids an individual name for them and getting upset if someone chooses the same name. When I was young, it was common to have several Sophies, Louises, James etc-and shock horror, family members often had duplicated names too! Your child is an individual because of their personality and things unique to them-their name doesn’t define them. Your child will have lots of challenges during their life-being called the same name as their mum’s friend’s kid won’t be one of them.

Yes in my class there were a gazillion James’s , Daniels and Roses.

No one cared about having an unusual name.
Kids with same Christian name were referred to by their surnames.

BalonzHadASupersoaker · 01/01/2025 15:49

ShortyShorts · 01/01/2025 13:14

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name.

Good.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Visun · 01/01/2025 15:49

I'd be irritated too but there's nothing you can do about it. Never tell her anything again, keep her on a strict information diet. Clearly she lacks imagination and you can't trust her not to copy you. Either that or subtly mention your new "favourite" name that you now think is even better! Maybe she'll copy the decoy name instead? Or just mention that if you have a girl in future the cousins will have matching names (might put her off?).

I know noone owns a name but it's a shitty thing to do. As long as you didn't give her a big list of names to avoid yanbu.

Drfosters · 01/01/2025 15:50

MrsJoanDanvers · 01/01/2025 15:27

I don’t understand this modern thing of naming your kids an individual name for them and getting upset if someone chooses the same name. When I was young, it was common to have several Sophies, Louises, James etc-and shock horror, family members often had duplicated names too! Your child is an individual because of their personality and things unique to them-their name doesn’t define them. Your child will have lots of challenges during their life-being called the same name as their mum’s friend’s kid won’t be one of them.

In my opinion it is because we have the internet now. Once upon time your entire world was very limited to your family/ friends/ work and TV. Now you can pretty much connect with millions of other people and often fighting for attention (for work or other reasons) with many many more people. You name is your brand these days whether we like it or not. Many people just called their children the same name as their parents/ family members because it was easy and they didn’t have baby name books giving them all the other options. Nowadays some parents want to give them a name which they feel sets them apart. Now it might be name that is shared by a million other people but as parent I can understand why you might not wish you child to have a name which someone close to you has. A small amount of uniqueness in your micro world. It is why also why some parents give their children completely unique names. (I am not sure Beyoncé would have been as successful if her mum had named her Sarah). Not everyone feels this way and all credit to you if you don’t but a lot of people do which is why they don’t like it if someone takes a name that they has set their heart on.