SIL being a bit bitchy about name choice

[Pettypity]

My SIL is pregnant and has found out she’s having a girl. She’s announced the name despite only being about half way through the pregnant. The issue is that the name is the one she knew I was going to use if my last pregnancy had have been a girl. She also knows my husband and I are trying and recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name. I just think it’s really bitchy of her when she knows I had planned to call a baby girl this name.

she done similar with her last baby too, announced the name a few weeks before I gave birth and it was another one of the names we were considering

Your sister sounds like a right bitch. If you do have a girl in the future, use the name you wanted anyway, even if she has already named her daughter that name. Just ignore her. She sounds attention seeking.

the first time around I was pregnant and announced names for a girl (being the name we both like) and a list of boys names. I didn’t know she was miscarrying at the time. She got pregnant soon after and found out the gender before I gave birth, she picked a boys name from the list I said (although she said I never said this name and her and BIL had it picked out long before that) and I had a boy a few weeks later.

You said that you announced 'names' for a girl and also a list of boys names. You can't go around with lists of names and expecting people not to be able to use the names.

Why ever not? They would be cousins, not sisters.

Why don't you believe they have liked the name for a while? There arent many people who would use a name for their child out of spite so that is unlikely unless they have form for that kind if thing.

Why shouldnt they use it?

Not at all. Rather it's likely that there will be overlap. Firstly there are a lot fewer names to choose from than there are lottery number combinations, secondly name preferences are not random - it's why name trends come and go. Assuming the OP and her DH and SIL and her partner are all similar ages and from the same culture they will all have had very similar influences when younger (the siblings especially) e.g all have negative associations with names like Karen or Kevin, regard the same names as old fashioned etc. not to mention all the overlap in family and friends names which they'll probably want to either avoid or like for the same reasons as each other.

they should put your feelings 1st

Why?
The Op isn't seeing anyone's feelings but her own and that she stated she wanted that name to stop it being "stolen" because she had a boy. Did she think that her sil's feelings mattered too?

And no one's going to use a name they aren't really keen on to spite someone who may change their choice anyway.

When #1 was born we had a boys' name and two girls' names we liked equally. We had a girl and used one of those names.

#2 was a girl, and we didn't use our other girl name.
#3 was a boy and we didn't use the boy name either.

Because our opinion changed.

I didn't use the names I told everyone for years I was going to use either.

The idea of announcing a list of possible names for your unborn child is completely alien to me.

Is this common in some circles? Not hugely relevant to the OP, but I’m curious. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone’s kids’ names until they were born and named.

YABU. Unless it’s a bizarre, made up name that no one else has she may have used the name even without you telling her you were thinking of it too. You can’t “reserve” a name for your future child and ensure no one else will use it by telling everyone all the names you are thinking about before a baby is even born!

i have a few friends/family members who seem to have tried this and tbh I’ve lost track of all the names I’m not meant to use because other people like them for hypothetical children who haven’t even been conceived yet. It’s ridiculous and when I had my actual child I ignored it all and picked a name that I liked (it’s a classic name and I don’t think was ever mentioned by anyone else but as I said I’ve lost track)!

I do think it’d be a bit weird for you to use the same name as SIL after she’s used it but I think it’s fair for her to use the name she likes now for the child she’s actually having. You may not have a girl and even if you do you may not want to use the name at that point.

It's hard isn't it, not wanting to share details with close ones but I kind of agree it's best to keep details ie names to yourself especially if your sister in law is known to do this. I don't agree that you are unreasonable though in regards your sister in law using the name you'd chosen. Whilst no one has a claim to a name if you knew someone close to you wanted the name for their own child why then would you use it and not seek some alternatives. To me that does seem unfair and unkind. I'm sorry for your miscarriage and I hope it won't be long before you're pregnant again. Wishing you all the best x

Absolutely agree!

Yes, logically anyone can use a name - but I get it, OP. My sister had a baby just when my long term relationship broke up: I'd confided in her what I wanted to call a boy when we had kids - which we'd intended to do soon. She used the name, which was uncommon. It really hurt, logical or not.

First and foremost, I’m so very sorry for your loss op.

Tell her that you’re glad she’s using the name. Say that you’ve actually completely changed your taste in names and when you have a girl you’ll be naming her Seraphina/fake name.

The sister-in-law is attention seeking? She's not the one going around announcing her chosen baby names and then warning others not to "steal" them. She had a baby and named it a name she liked. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry op but I think you're being ridiculous. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time and my ex and I had really struggled to choose a name we both agreed on and she was having her child first. I completely accepted that she would get dibs and if she picked the name we had chosen then we would go back to the drawing board.

I think announcing lists of names you 'might' pick from is quite selfish because you're trying to gatekeep names you might not even use.

Obviously when a miscarriage is involved it becomes much more emotive and painful and I understand that, but I think you've been unreasonable by trying to lay claim to a name - in fact a selection of names in the first place.

My guess is she's announced earlier in her pregnancies because you've been doing this.

How many ‘names’ on the list did you have, OP?

How long was the list of boys names? Were they all rare/ unusual names or fairly standard names from the top 100? If it was a fairly standard list of popular baby names then it isn’t really that odd that she picked one from the list. Lots of people like similar baby names; one of my DNs has a name I love and likely would have chosen for my own child but it’s just coincidence as I’ve never shared any baby names.

How popular is the girls name? Unless it’s an obscure name I don’t think you can read too much into it. It’s very unlikely your SIL is going to give her name a child she doesn’t like just to spite you, it’s far more likely she just also likes the name. It would make no sense for her to avoid using the name she loves on the off chance you might have a girl and want to use the same name in the future. Nobody owns a name, but maybe lesson learnt that you should keep names you might want to use in future to yourself, that way you’ll know if someone else uses it then it was just a coincidence and won’t be overthinking it and assuming people care about you that much they would pick their baby name to spite you.

I was ready to say that YANBU and that it’s weird of her to use that same name.

But it sounds like she had that name before you and so she should get to use it.

I had 1 name that I have had since I was a child and everyone knows that that’s what I was planning to call my first child.
Its an unusual name and I would have been devastated if someone else used it because it has such a personal meaning to me.

So I understand why you’re upset but it sounds like you both liked it and she was going to use it first.

I do think it’s odd that you told her so she didn’t ‘steal’ it and it makes it seem like you were aware she wanted to use it, else why would you need to say anything.

I also think it’s mean that you have a list of names that you’d picked out that she couldn’t use.

I think this is just silly competition between you both.

Stop telling people the names of your potential future children and then there is absolutely no way anyone can steal it.

If by chance they choose a name that you were going to use then that’s just unfortunate but at least you know they didn’t intentionally copy.

It is annoying and you have a right to be upset about it.
But try not to allow it to cause a rift in the family.

to make sure she didn’t steal it

You sound like me and my sister who would touch the cake we fancied so that the other wouldn’t eat it. But we were aged about 7 and our mother told us to stop behaving like three year olds.

I’d make a blasé comment about oooh that’s my favourite name to so if I ever have a girl they’ll have matching names hahaha how cute…

if she thinks you don’t give a shit and will use it anyway, hopefully she’ll rethink her game. (If you argue it you’ll come across as unreasonable even though she’s clearly an arse)

Stop telling her names that you’re thinking of using then it’s just bad luck if she picks the same name rather than all this drama about name stealing. You thought she ‘stole’ the name for the first child so you told her what name you were thinking for the second and she’s done it again??? Maybe you will learn for the third time. 🤷‍♀️

Because 'in my opinion' it's a hurtful thing to do and can be avoided by just picking a different name out of the infinity of variables

I agree.

I think this is more about petty competition, rather than genuinely liking the same name.

Unless there is a personal meaning to a name, then there are loads of lovely names available.

They need to stop telling each other their potential baby names until the baby is born and it will immediately solve the issue.

Why can't you believe that she had a name picked out ahead of having children when this is something that people, yourself included, clearly do?

Actually, reading the update… you’re annoyed she chose a boys name from a “list”?! Omg, no that’s ridiculous. Maybe stop thinking everything is about you.

sil is pregnant and chose a name she loves. Unfortunately it’s a name you love but you’re currently not pregnant and may not have a girl so a bit unrealistic to save a name for a hypothetical unless it was something like a much loved grandma’s name.