SIL being a bit bitchy about name choice

[Pettypity]

My SIL is pregnant and has found out she’s having a girl. She’s announced the name despite only being about half way through the pregnant. The issue is that the name is the one she knew I was going to use if my last pregnancy had have been a girl. She also knows my husband and I are trying and recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name. I just think it’s really bitchy of her when she knows I had planned to call a baby girl this name.

she done similar with her last baby too, announced the name a few weeks before I gave birth and it was another one of the names we were considering

Before pregnancy by the sounds of it

Whoever has the male/female baby first gets to use the name.

You can't tell someone they can't use a name because you may or may not want to use it in future.

If I've understood the OP correctly, the SIL was less far along in her pregnancy and announced her choice of name to bagsy it when the OP was actually giving birth first. I think that's pretty sketchy behaviour tbh, and I would have been tempted to say, "Oh, that's also the name we've chosen" and use it anyway.

This. Sorry OP but YABVU.

You might not ever have a girl - is noone ever allowed to use that name ever, even in this case? it has to remain unused by anyone?

Except that last time round the OP gave birth first and the SIL called first dibs on the name anyway.

In future why not tell her you’ve chosen Agatha Mabel, or Gertrude Enid. That’s what I’d do, but then I’m 😈.

i told her when I was pregnant with my last child to make sure she didn’t steal it because I knew they were finding out the gender and we weren’t and although she was less further along than me, she said she would be choosing the name when she knew the gender

Well this was silly. Stop discussing baby names with her.

I'm going against the grain, but I personally think it is rude to use a much loved name from someone close to you, particularly when miscarriage is involved. I think it's fine if you both genuinely love the name, but I'd never dream of using a name a loved one wanted to call their miscarried baby out of respect for that person. Me liking a name doesn't outweigh the hurt and grief the other person is likely to feel.

Oh that's a nice choice "for you" sil

I’m on the fence with this one. If you were pregnant at the same time and having a girl, I would say yes that was unreasonable. But you aren’t having a girl so it’s also unreasonable to expect someone to not use a name just in case it ever happens.

That being said, between two of my best friends they have literally used every single name I ever liked for a girl either first, middle name or both. It’s really frustrating, because although it is just a name, you feel like you can’t then use it, so I do understand where you are coming from.

The fact she announced it before the baby is here is also weird in my opinion and seems like she is trying to make claim over the name so it would seem like you are copying her in the future. And I do think if she knew it was a name you really liked, that she didn’t have the decency to at least have a conversation with you and tell you that she also loved the name and wanted to use it. She doesn’t need your permission of course, but in my opinion it would have been a respectful thing to do and I certainly would have appreciated it myself when my friends chose the names they did.

I’m at the stage in my life where if I did ever end up with a girl, I would chose whatever name I wanted and if they had a issue with it I would just explain that they knew I always like that name so it was tough. The reality is that although they are cousins, they might no ever see each other in adult life so having the same name would make no difference to anyone.

I also think people who announce names before a baby is born have an over inflated sense of how important they are

Isn’t the reverse true, that holding back the name makes it seem so very mysterious and exciting when it isn’t, really?

I didn’t know the sex for mine but if anyone asked I’d say we had a few in mind (which we did!)

But I do think this is a bit dependent on the name - when it’s a name that’s everywhere anyway then it’s less stark than one that’s quite different and not heard often.

My family has/had a couple of duplicate names, albeit not in the same generation. Children named after parents and grandparents. There were two very similar names in the same generation, as well. It really wasn't a problem.

She said she’s always liked the name from before her and BIL met but I honestly don’t know. I understand I might never have a girl but I knew she would use this name if she had a girl.

Sorry for your loss OP. Next time your SIL is pregnant, go round saying that you love the name Dave. for goodness sakes, don't tell her anything about names you like next time.

When are people going to learn not to tell anyone the planned name until the child is born? So many problems around this it seems

Re the first baby - how many names has you told her you were considering? Because if you'd said it'll be Jane for a girl and John for a boy, then she'd be ridiculous to choose it. But if you'd mentioned ten names in passing then those were up for grabs IMO - you clearly have similar tastes and you don't get to claim all the names for yourself.

The girls' name she's a just chosen became free again when you had a boy IMO. The miscarriage is sad but irrelevant - if you can claim a name in the first trimester then she can certainly claim one in the second.

i can’t say that to her or (or to my Mil who is sticking for her!) because I said this name for the first time when she was miscarrying (I honestly didn’t know she was miscarrying at the time) so I don’t know if it’s revenge for that.

How could she have stolen it if she didn't know what it was though?! By telling her you gave her the information she needed to 'steal' it!

Tell her you're going to use it.It will probably put her off.

For a boys name I had a list and I thought I told her the names of that list, she claims I didn’t and that they had their boys’ name picked for ages and it just happened to be on the list of ones I was considering

for a girls name we both just like this one name

That sounds like you thought there was a good chance that she was going to pick that name and were trying to get in there first.

Is it a family name (eg being named after a favourite relative of DH) or just a random name?

If you'd told her a list then that was fair enough of her. I'm guessing these are popular names too given the extent of your overlap.

i told her when I was pregnant with my last child to make sure she didn’t steal it

Really? How would she steal it if you didn't tell her??

Honestly I would say you are still going to use the name if you have a girl. You can say it is a bit odd having cousins with the same name but you are ok with it. She is therefore forewarned if you do use it and it might put her off using it anyway!