SIL being a bit bitchy about name choice

[Pettypity]

My SIL is pregnant and has found out she’s having a girl. She’s announced the name despite only being about half way through the pregnant. The issue is that the name is the one she knew I was going to use if my last pregnancy had have been a girl. She also knows my husband and I are trying and recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable because no one has claim on a name. I just think it’s really bitchy of her when she knows I had planned to call a baby girl this name.

she done similar with her last baby too, announced the name a few weeks before I gave birth and it was another one of the names we were considering

This.
Your only defence is to keep quiet and tell her nothing about name choices.

But that's precisely what the OP has done otherwise SIL would have no idea what name OP intended to call her theoretical daughter. Whilst I agree with you that it's best all round if no-one announces a name until there's a baby, SIL has only claimed the name for a soon to be born daughter. OP is trying to claim the name for a foetus which doesn't yet - and may never - exist.

That how I understood it to. OP was pregnant giving birth first but chose not find out the gender. Had told the SIL that if it was a girl she would be using the name. And then when SIL had her gender scan and found out it was a girl, the SIL announced to the world she was calling the girl that name so the OP then felt if she had a girl she couldn’t use it. Not kind!

I would suddenly get really excited to use the name Doris for a future daughter and gush about it endlessly.

Also don’t forget to congratulate her on her choice of name in a shit sandwich:

“Sophie is just lovely. I was thinking of it for a short while but it’s so overused now. Can you believe there are four in DC’s nursery and our neighbour has just had another. You're really brave not to worry about things like that. There’s so much pressure to find something unique these days but that’s just silly. And Sophie is so pretty and goes so well with your surname. Which is important with a common name because I expect she’ll be known as Sophie Humperdink or Sophie H in school”.

Oversharing things before/during pregnancy leads to issues like this. Stop sharing information that is nobody's business until the baby is here.

That doesn't make sense, if you hadnt of told her the name in the first place how could she "steal it"? She wouldnt have known what it was

As so often happens, the first post nails it 🤣

Just don’t tell anymore people your names! “I keep on changing my mind/there’s just so many/I’m going to wait to see what she looks like” etc is easy enough to say if people ask you.

That way odds- wise even if it’s a popular/Top 100 name you want, theres still only a small chance of anyone very close to you “stealing” it first. However if you tell people, it’s entirely possible those names are going to be the ones foremost on their minds for their own children - a kind of “well if she likes it, it must be a good choice” situation.

We had a similar issue, I was pregnant at same time as SIL. Neither of us knew the sex and kept names secret. Her little boy came first and she called him our chosen boy name. We were distraught at the time!! But 18 months later I am so glad we didn’t go with the chosen name, and her little boy suits.
Sorry for your loss x

I agree op- my mate loved a certain name it was 100% her last pregnancy but she had a boy so was never going to use the name. I had a girl and although it was a name that had been on my list, nob
way would l use it - even more so of she had suffered a loss.

I imagine that actually OP would have said after her miscarriage “We’d have called her Charlotte” - totally different to announcing a name in pregnancy (I accept I could be wrong)

I'm sorry for your loss but these are two separate issues and I think your grief over the miscarriage is clouding your judgement.

No one has claim to any name. It's upsetting but you are going to have to make peace with this.

It’s not bitchy. You also tried to grab a name by telling her in advance of a baby arriving as you knew she was going to pick a name once she knew the sex of her baby. She’s free to use whatever name she loves. As are you.

What a horrible mean spirited thing for her to do. Never tell anyone your name choices OP. Or tell them a different one to the one you have actually chosen.

So she announced it half way through, but surely so did you. I would suggest you don't mention names. My cousin picked the name I had chosen but she had no idea!

What’s the betting the sister in law wouldn’t have chosen that name though if OP never mentioned it in the first place?

I think this was with the boy, and the SIL is now claiming that she doesn't know this was one of the OP's choices.

Whereas with the girl, SIL knew it was the OP's choice for a girl and has decided to use it. The OP is not pregnant but recently had a miscarriage and the SIL knows this.

I generally take the view that nobody owns a name. But that's why I think nobody should announce the name of their baby until it is born.

The issue here is that both the OP and her SIL are behaving as though announcing their name choices before their baby is born will enable them to reserve that name. However, only the OP is actually sticking to that rule. So she didn't use the name she wanted for her son despite the fact that her son was born first, because her SIL had already announced that she had chosen that name for her unborn son, but the SIL has now chosen the name she knows OP had chosen for a daughter for her unborn daughter. And the OP is taking this particularly badly because of her recent miscarriage.

Either they just have very similar taste in names, or her SIL is deliberately stealing her favourite baby names. Whatever the truth is, the OP needs to stop sharing this information with her SIL. That way, if SIL announces halfway through her pregnancy that her unborn son is going to be called Thomas, and the OP also wants to name her son who is due in three weeks' time Thomas, the OP says, "Oh, I'm afraid that's the name we've chosen for a boy." And if SIL is doing it deliberately, she won't be able to use OP's favourite names if she doesn't know what they are. Too late now though.

This is just ridiculous

is this about the name, or is it hurtful spite?

You lost a child, that would be named X, now she names hers X so that every time it's a reminder to you that you lost a child, her child becomes a mental reminder of your loss?

is she that twisted?

Some people are that twisted.

Some people just don't care if they hurt other people.

No, OP had said when pregnant that if it was a girl it would be "Charlotte", and if it was a boy it would be "Ben", and fully admits she only told anyone the names because she was concerned the SIL would also pick the same name. But also that she told the SIL a list of names they were considering and fully expected the SIL to steer clear of all of the names on the list.

The OP then had a boy and called him Ben.

However many years and a miscarriage each later, the SIL is having a girl and calling her Charlotte. OP is trying to claim she still has the name "reserved".

You're being a bit unreasonable, but I think you know that.
She's being a bit unkind, and I think she knows that.
And I think that's the heart of the issue.
You also suspect she's being unkind on purpose because there's a slightly competitive dynamic between the two of you.
There's nothing you can do. You should perhaps decided how you'll respond if someone actually asks you if it upsets you.
Are you more comfortable with saying "it does upset me a bit but I know that nobody owns a name" or would you prefer to keep your feelings private?

That would be unforgivable but it's not what's happened here. OP had the name picked for a previous pregnancy that resulted in a healthy baby of the opposite sex.

Bit weird but not worth getting upset over, just laugh and say how lovely, if I have a girl next they'll match! And never mention it again or mention names you like/are considering again in anyway before your next baby is born and you are ready to announce it.

You really don't know whether the names were her favourites anyway. It is entirely possible that your SIL would have named her children the same names had you not shared your favourites.
Don't discuss names, unless you are raving about the names Willoughby and Brodwyn.
People of a similar age seem to favour similar names - that's why the top ten names change so slowly, but do change.

Some people only like a thing when it 'belongs' to another person. So if she'd never heard your choice, there's a very good chance she'd never have considered it herself. And some people just can't another person have something, without wanting it for themselves.
I do think it's devoid of any sensitivity for her to use this name - the exception being if it was a family name or one she'd always wanted. I'm presuming not though.

You have to stop sharing information with her - she isn't your friend.

Also in your shoes I'd tell her that's fine, but if you ever have a daughter you will also be using the name because it doesn't matter to you if there's a big Elsa and a little Elsa. It might deter her.