To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Ah my love, it's so hard. It is obvious you love her, or you would have neither noticed nor cared that you felt the way you do, as she would be low on your list. This time is shit, truly shit. And no-one will ever have experienced the exact same set of circumstances, so any condemnations are pointless, likewise any platitudes.

You do owe it to yourself to try to feel better, and before any nuclear options try to see a doc. Even if you don't think it is that, or that it will help, sometimes when you are in a fug you can't see out a d external help is needed. If that still doesn't help, then you know. But whatever state or stage she is at now is temporary.

Look into returning to work as well, they may be pleased to cut mat cover short and have you back

Are you ok? Genuinely. It's really hard, isn't it?
Please don't do anything in haste. You're lashing out at the moment, out of tiredness, unhappiness and frustration. All of which is understandable! But it does get better, so please don't do anything you'll regret.
For now, you need to communicate and tell the father of your child that you need more space to be on your own. Having a baby is a massive upheaval to one's life. Newsflash: your life will never be the same again! But you need to do what you can to make it bearable, and to feel like your old self in as much as possible.
Best of luck

One of the things about depression (of all kinds) is that it doesn't feel like depression, it feels like a clear objective understanding of the situation.

This. I can see from your previous threads that you have had MH struggles in the past OP. Please be kind to yourself and get some help now. You don’t need to suffer like this.

If this real @LampLamp you need to talk to someone as this doesn't sound normal to me. It's normal to struggle with the newborn stage but seriously thinking of divorce and only seeing your kid barely half the time is very extreme. She won't be a newborn for long, soon she'll be smiling, laughing, moving, reaching out when she sees you. She'll be talking, making you laugh, pottering around with you. Yeah she'll scream and tantrum and keep you up at night but that's kids.

I've edited since seeing your update op. Eat that chocolate. Sing to those songs. When you go home have a cry with your husband if you think it will help. Call your HV or gp in the morning and just reach out for support. It's awful when they're crying loads but honestly it does get better. Don't make any huge decisions when you're in the thick of it like this. X

Please look at milk allergies. Even if it's just through your milk.

Mine grew out of hers but she looked burnt. I drank a lot of milk, ate yoghurt, cheese etc. My DD is still allergic to soya so watch that too.

@LampLamp you can go back early if you want, your employer can end their contract early if need be.

I returned early to have a break from my one with silent reflux when she was 6 months old.

I went back to work when mine were 12 weeks. It helped with my mental health so much.

Even if you can’t get back to work yet for whatever reason, look up some childcare and see if you can get her in nursery for a bit.

I had a refluxy baby too OP. It is horrendous. They are such unhappy babies! I would see other mums set their babies down to sleep contentedly in prams or Moses baskets, or leave them burbling on a playmat, and then I would sit by myself and cry because I could never do that - mine was distraught any time I laid him down. He didn’t sleep unless held, day or night, and he was sick 30 times a day. I truly, truly hated those early months.

His reflux improved virtually overnight at about six months and things got SO much easier. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes when they nap in their cot and sleep even 3 or 4 consecutive hours at night.

I truly feel for you because I know exactly how hard things are for you right now. When you’re in it you truly cannot imagine that it will ever end or that you will ever feel ok again. I am here to promise that it will get easier, you will feel happier, better days are coming. One day you’re going to look back, and this period will be a memory not your reality, and you will just be really proud that you made it through this time.

To echo what others have said, speak to a GP.

But also remember, having kids isn't for everyone. Speak to your husband about it and, if you want out, he might be happy for you to leave. Just ensure to chip in for the maintenance and leave them to it (men do this all the time). He might then meet someone who wants to be a mother to your child.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be. But the child must be the priority. So if you can't give it what it needs, and it's not what you need, then do what's best for the baby.

It is not unknown to feel like you do and you are very brave to speak about it . It agree with you about labels, it is important not to try and slot how you are feeling into a category.

The next major hurdle is to speak about it out loud. May I suggest the Samaritans. They have a wide range of expert councillors who will listen without judging. Hopefully that first step to speaking about how you feel might be the key that unlocks the door of further help.

Meanwhile make a plan for your escape route. Look at all the options and pitfalls. If you do divorce and strike out on your own you may find that you are spending more time with the baby.

This is the strangesr advice ever.

She's not going to be a tiny baby forever. In a years time she'll be up and running about. Everything will be different. Don't make any rash decisions, it's early days. Get some help from your health visitor.

It doesn't have to be PND – it sounds like you have an exceptionally discontent baby (maybe due to a medical issue, maybe just temperament), are sleep deprived and aren't enjoying the very little baby stage. Honestly, who would enjoy those circumstances? You can get through it, but you can also want to run away. A discontent 2-3 month old can be a very very tiresome thing and it's entirely thankless.

I remember my twins being great little newborns – slept a lot. I went out to cafes and walks. No issues. And then came about 6-8 weeks old, and they stopped napping in anything more than 30 minute burst. At least one was always awake all day and all night, and at least one was crying at any point. I really disliked maternity leave – I love my job and found it almost impossible to leave the house without help. I also well remember my sister with her first born – another constant crier who would never be put down. I remember by sister saying she has ruined her life too!

This shitty phase will absolutely end, even though it doesn't feel like it. Do you have to take 12 months mat leave? I only took 6 months and my husband took the following 6 months. Do you have the spare money to spend on a maternity nanny occasionally?

You don't have to feel like a horrible person. Childhood is full of many differing stages – some of them far more enjoyable and suited to you as a person.

It really does get easier. You may be depressed so speak to your doctor. Antidepressants may help you cope better.
Being a single parent will be by far the toughest option so I'd only recommend going it alone if you're really unhappy in your marriage and there are underlying problems that you can't resolve. Also, there are no guarantees your partner will do his share of childcare if you split, and legally you can't force him. Speaking from bitter experience.
Eventually you'll build up a support network, you'll get more sleep, your child will settle. My really miserable DD became a lovely sunny child (mostly!) when she learned to talk.

That's shocking advice. What's best for baby, in nearly every single case, is to live with its birth mother or an adoptive mother from birth. Being abandoned by your birth mother is terribly traumatic to young children. Your scenario of suggesting OP leave her baby and let it - maybe -one day be mothered by another woman is really cruel and not in the best interests of either baby or OP.

Having a reflux baby is so hard. I'd definitely keep on at your GP, our son ended up having severe CMPA and was like a new baby when on amino acid formula.

I do remember the feelings of wanting to escape so bad. I remember talking to my counsellor about it as I'd had a multiple miscarriages as well. She said she had no data but she wasn't surprised that those of us that had gone through such hardship had such intense feelings of depression, despair etc. It's the pressure of wanting a baby and the heartache of getting there that once the baby is here and the expectation doesn't live up to thr reality that its no wonder we have these feelings of wanting to escape. She told me that when I spoke to her about wanting to divorce my husband, to be a part time parent that it was similar to being a flight and fight mode, the divorce part being the flight mode and these are usual reactions to stressors. Also that having this plan b, while I would probably never act on it, was also OK to have if it helped me feel I could cope by having an escape plan.

Definitely get all the support you can get.

No brilliant words of wisdom, @LampLamp but I struggled enormously after the birth of my first child and had many of these WTF have you done feelings. It does get better. Would urge you as many others have to speak to your GP.

Also, if you're anywhere in west central Scotland and want a coffee with someone who won't judge and gets it, feel free to message me.

Sorry to hear you're having such a shit time of it @LampLamp, as many have already said, it is not uncommon to find the early stages really tough both physically and mentally. It's just not spoken about very often. I struggled when my son was tiny, to be honest I think I went a little crazy with sleep deprivation and constantly being on high alert. But it did improve and we all got through it. Asking for help is a vital step, even if you're not sure what help is needed. Hope things improve very soon for you x

This is a combination of PND and the baby months being really hard and shit, been there! If there’s any way at all you can afford to put baby in nursery for a morning or two a week then do it.

Have you seen a specialist OP re the reflux?

I would get referred or go private to see one. I did for my DC and the medication stopped the reflux. The reflux also went away after 6 months but it was really bad those first few months.

For some it works to see a chiropractor.

Tell the gp how much it is affecting your life and to take it more seriously.

A reflux baby is super tough. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it xxx

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It's REALLY NOT for the rest of your lives OP. They're little for such a short time.

"The days are long but the years are short..."

You can come back in 10 years and tell me I was right but you just didn't notice at the time... And I'll tell you it was the same for every single one of us. x

It will get better a reflux baby is so hard and tiring ,my second grandson was like this he was referred to a paediatrician my daughter had to early wean him .Speak to your gp hopefully they can help you .