To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

@LampLamp OP can you go back to work? Some friends of mine HATED being home on mat leave and they all gave great relationshipq with their children today. I'm a sahm who loved it but I totally understand we're all different and as a parent you're responsible to make sure your child is cared for- but that can be done by a childminder as well. It would be better for you and the baby if you spent less time together right now so you can get back on track. Promise, it will get better ❤️

Because we all acknowledge that having a baby is tough, and yes some cry more than others- my first screamed for her first 3 months. You say dh does lots, both round the house and looking after baby so you get afew hours to yourself, so it’s not that you are burnt out from trying to do everything. But the way you write really concerns me, your mental health and babies well being. Babies are hard, but talking about divorce and adoption is extreme and shouts like a big cry for help.

Gently - because I have read your other posts to check this isn't trolling....(AIBU is notorious for this and is liable to turn into a bunfight and this clearly runs deeper than you not liking the baby - although it seems as if that is the problem).

You are numb and you are depressed and really you have been this way for a long time due to trauma and so your feelings are perfectly understandable and valid, but going part-time with the baby won't actually fix anything.

You seem to be in a cycle of ...if you did this, then you will feel better....if that happened then things would look brighter.....if xyz worked, you could cope.....That is a lot of mental energy you are giving to a problem you will not really solve.

If you can reframe this into the mindset of having the baby is a good thing, because it will allow you to access those mental health services (post-natal) that you have not had access to before in your therapy journey, and this might be the switch or trigger or path that gets you some real and practical help.

It's really tough, I'm sorry.

What a vile thing to say about infertile women. You should be ashamed of yourself, you're worse than the poster you responded to.

I think regardless of what is driving this (regret or PND), you need some support to navigate it - talk to your GP and get the ball
rolling. Babies aren’t babies forever, it may be that toddler years etc will feel much easier for you. Or maybe you’ll arrange it with your partner that he takes more of the parenting and you take on more houseful/financial aspects of the tasks. Maybe you’ll hire a childminder who loves being with kids and you can take step back. But your child didn’t ask for this and deserves and needs love, attention and connection.

I had similar thoughts OP and this sentence hit home too: * "Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.*"

It turned out that my DD had food allergies and was reacting to egg protein in my milk. If your child really is screaming all the time then perhaps her stomach is sore?

Regardless, the newborn stage is tough when it's the first one. Birth is horrible too. Honestly no-one would do it if they stayed like this forever. You just have to hold onto the belief that it gets better, because it really does.

I'm sorry I didn't mean any offence to you or anyone struggling. It's just I thought if she is a mum herself she would know how hard it is especially becoming a mum for the first time so wouldn't shame another mum like that. I'm sure a lot of women struggling wouldn't be nasty. But I think mums should support other mums unless she was actively abusing or neglecting her child. Which it sounds like she is looking after her baby properly but can't help these feelings so is looking for support on an anonymous forum not actually saying all thus stuff to her child or treating them badly.

I was the same 40 years ago. I went back to work when DD1 was four months old. Same with DD2 four years later. It makes a lot of difference to get some of your life back. In the meantime I agree with pp to see your GP for help too.

The reason it looks like PND (and I am deeply averse to online diagnoses) is because your thinking appears illogical. A classic sign of depression is being unable to reason yourself out of illogical perceptions. Your logical brain knows this is not how it will be for the rest of your life, but your catastrophising/depressed brain is telling you this. You owe it to yourself... and to your child ... to get some help. Please do it now.

You do need to speak to your GP. It’s normal to be tired and stressed when you have a young baby (and your DD is very young still) but your reaction and thought processes have gone askew somewhere. It also sounds like you haven’t bonded properly with your baby yet. There’s support out there that can help - please ask. You won’t be judged.

The first 12 weeks of a baby’s life are hard, the next 4 are a tiny bit better, and then the improvements become more obvious. Do you have a baby book? Some show you the stages, week by week and it can be really helpful to look and understand how normal things are - and, importantly, that these stages don’t last long.

Try to get out of the house each day. I had a baby that cried a lot to start with and the walks helped enormously. Pace yourself. Don’t aim to do much at all. Get a cleaner in if you can afford it. Have a routine, nap when your baby naps, read/watch TV when she feeds so you have a break. Go to bed early. Keep taking a good multivitamin.

But mainly, ask for help.

I’d also add that your daughter is probably picking up on your stress, which will lead to her crying more from uncertainty. Once you’re feeling better, you might well find everything slots into place better with her too.

I felt the same.

Some babies are harder than others.

Some people are more adaptable and resilient to having a baby.

Some people have more support.

If you get the triple whammy of hard baby/wrong personality type/little support it is really really hard.

I felt the same with DS 20 months. Although I think I did have post natal depression, as well. But saying it's PND seems to retract from how legitimately and objectively parenting him was, though.

It will get better. She'll probably be a little darling come this time next year and you'll have many happy years together as a mum and daughter duo.

But I know that's not massively helpful at the moment.

Feel free to PM. I understand.

Exactly. I was babbling nonsense. The 2004 tsunami happened and I barely noticed it. I was so engrossed in myself. Also far from family.

Nobody will judge you. PND is very common.

Check out allergies - cows milk especially. Also if she’s crying when lying down but settles when upright against your chest them get her chest checked for asthma. My DD didn’t sleep and cried all the time - egg, dairy allergies and asthma. Once on asthma meds she could sleep instead of only sleeping in the pram sitting up.

Ignore the unpleasant posts op. There's loads of us here who have felt similar to you and want to help you

No you aren’t. I have been where you are and frankly while I do understand how you feel your attitude to your much wanted daughter is shocking.

Babies are tough. Life with a baby is tough. Married life with a baby is tough. It’s relentless, soul destroying and hard. I said to my husband before we had ours that we would promise not to leave each other in the first year of the baby’s life. During that time it was the closest we had ever come.

It does get infinitely better as kids get older. You need to get out more and do things that aren’t baby related.

Divorcing your husband is very extreme to solve a problem that will get better over time.

YABVU

I agree nobody can know how they will feel especially if PND is involved. I do, however, believe most people have an understanding that children are a massive responsibility and do upheave your life.

I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

This is what babies do.

How about women who don't actually want babies?

That poster was vile enough that you could just about have thrown anything at her/him.

No-one needs to have or even want a baby to know that.

Do you not recognise that your posts are also unpleasant and nasty?

Its not shocking, she feels how she feels and its fine for her to express that her on an anonymous forum.
Would you rather she keep quiet in case she makes you feel uncomfortable?

Oh OP, you’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last to feel this way. DS is 23 now but I still remember bringing him home from hospital, sitting in the sofa and bursting into tears because I was so overwhelmed with it all.

For the first 6 months, he did nothing but scream and nap. It very nearly broke me. I’d spend hours driving around or out walking with him in the buggy because those were the only times he wasn’t screaming incessantly. DH would get home from work and I’d already have my shoes on ready to go out. Sometimes I’d just sit in my car and cry for an hour.

Slowly it got better. DS started sleeping in 4 hour chunks at night and I’d make sure I went out without him at least once a week. Then I went back to work four days a week and that made a huge difference. Just some adult conversation and being able to have a lunch break and a hot cup of tea was like winning the lottery for me.

It will get better. I agree with the suggestions of a nursery place as soon as possible and think about an early return to work.

what you're describing sounds exactly like postnatal depression. Please speak to
your GP. If you love him
and the marriage is a good one,
don't sacrifice it for time away from your baby. ,

Can your dh look after the baby for a night.
Book a hotel. And sleep.
Get a babysitter/cleaner in.
And speak to the health visitor. Even if it's not PND she'll be supportive and kind and discuss your worries.

Oh do bore off with your judgment.

Ah OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way. The early days are so hard. Divorcing your husband isn't the answer though.

Go and see your GP as a first step. PND is very prevalent and tough to deal with. Make plans to go back to work earlier with childcare or your husband taking some time.

And rest assured this is not what it will be like forever. 2 months is so intense and overwhelming. But mine are now 10 and 6 and a breeze. It will get better very quickly.