To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Sounds like PND to me
Why do you think it isn't?
See your GP

OP you are genuinely saying the exact same things I did 8 years ago. I was googling how to give a baby up for adoption. I promise you it gets so much easier and really quickly too. Right now is impossibly hard but you can and will get through this. Talk to your midwife and GP, I found just telling someone about it helped a little.

I also think you need to speak to your GP. Does DH know how you feel?

How about you walk the dog or whatever and your DH does the childcare so you have a break.

She won't always be this small and she will stop crying.

Why does it have to be PND? Why can’t I realise this was a terrible mistake?
Because you are probably sleep deprived and everything feels worse with that. Your hormones will likely still be all over the place. You may as well see a GP or healthvisitor to rule out PND if nothing else.

Go back to work and find childcare would be a better solution.

alao speak with your gp and HV about how you are feeling.

Do you have to divorce him to afford the flat? If not, you could stay together but live separately?

I’m sure your rational brain knows what you have written is extreme, OP. You can’t hear your rational voice because you are sleep deprived, gone through the trauma of childbirth (even births in water with whale music and candles are physically traumatic - you passed a baby through your vag FFS)

I can absolutely guarantee every mother reading this will have, at more than one point of the parenting experience, thought WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE I DONE

Theres no point in saying it gets better because in this moment you can’t picture the longer term.

But please just keep on buggering on. One day at a time. Buy in help if you need it, get your partner to take parental leave so you can SLEEP.

you don’t have to do the full maternity leave.

divorce is a bit drastic. Have you looked into shared parental leave? You go back to work and he does the remaining 3 months of “mat” leave?

have you looked into childcare so you can go back to work earlier? Or can you afford a childminder/babysitter a few hours a week do you can get a break?

I’m pleased you have a supportive DH. He sounds great. It does sound like you need to speak to someone and get some help for how you are feeling.

I do remember feeling like I’d made a big mistake when they were that age too. It takes a while to adapt.

Can you do something for yourself in the evening when DH is helping. A class, gym, book club, see friends?

Don't make permanent solutions to temporary problems.

They do stop screaming.

Try temporary solutions first - childcare.

I put mine to a childminder as soon as I could and just slept in that time.

It is more likely PND. Why would you not give yourself a chance to try?

You would need to pay child maintenance etc etc, life would not be as rosy as you think.

I felt exactly the same way with DS. He was a tough baby.
I got some GP support and asked my DH to step in. 20 years later he is our pride and joy. Things WILL change.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this OP. The first year really is relentless. Gently, please go and speak to your GP or a health visitor about how you're feeling or do you have an Employee assistance plan via work? They often have counselling which is available even if you're on Mat leave. It sounds very overwhelming for you.

Next - have you considered the screaming might be something medical e.g colic, allergies etc... again if you speak to the GP they might be able to investigate. I say this as the mum of a baby who had a milk allergy and screamed solidly for the first 3 months till we got alternative milk prescribed.

Is DH aware of how you're feeling? Does he pull his weight? Have you told him what you're thinking. Nobody is a mind reader so you need to share your thoughts, feelings and wants in order to gain the help.

Have you got any other 'mum friends'? Do you go to any classes or anything, getting out of the house and seeing people saved me during Mat leave as otherwise I'd have gone mad just the two of us at home all day.

Please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you need someone to talk through everything with

My DD screamed a lot! I was exhausted. I used to wish I'd become seriously ill just so I could go to hospital and sleep...or I remember thinking I wish I was a criminal and would be put in prison because I could sleep if I was in prison! She's a teenager now and brings me more happiness then I could have ever imagined.

Lots of us think wtf have I done. Dig in, your baby won’t be a baby forever and I now have a 5 and 8 year old. Separated from their dad who had them 4 nights a month. I don’t care it’s not 50/50. I don’t want that. But I would have when they were babies.

OP, it sounds like PND because it sounds like you are struggling to bond with your baby. Speak to your GP.

I found things improved after the first 3 months in terms of the exhaustion and screaming. This bit is not forever at all.

Reading your updates - you need to speak to your gp urgently

Can you switch? You do the washing, dogs etc and he looks after the baby?

Getting divorced really is a short sighted plan to deal with this. You dont want to be left on your own with the baby longer than you must. Get back to work full time asap, talk to your h and say you need him to be the primary carer and you'll sort the house etc.

Interesting outlook at this problem.

Baby is only 2-3 months old, it will get easier. In the meantime, what can DH do to help? Would his employer give him any paid time off if he took shared parental leave? Could he take 1 day a week annual leave to give you a break for the next few months? If you work some paid KIT days, could the family afford for him to reduce hours or take unpaid leave to facilitate? Could return to work earlier and use childcare?

I'd also maybe talk to your GP or health visitor about how your feeling. It's normal to feel off when your life is turned upside-down and everything is so hard, but hormones could also be making things worse.

I have a friend (who is in her 70s) whose mother walked out on her and her two siblings when she was 18 months old. Her father then couldn’t cope and they were brought up between grandparents and an aunt. My friend is lovely but definitely shows the results of this early abandonment. I’d try and avoid giving this trauma to your child if you can.

It's annoying when people say it's PND, I get it.

But this feels like PND due to the level of reaction- divorce and adoption etc, especially given your baby is still really small.

Without PND - this part is really fucking hard anyway.

OP have you spoken honestly to your DH about how you are feeling? I remember vividly the relentlessness of the first year, I was so sleep deprived I couldn't speak. It is an extreme reaction and I would be discussing options with your HV/GP to see what they suggest. Surely that's preferable to jumping to divorce?

Do you have the option to go back to work early and either do shared mat leave with your DH or childcare? I want to let you know it does get easier - I promise.

I thought I’d ruined my life for the first 3 months of my baby. My husband doesn’t do even 1/3 of what yours does so that’s something you have at least.

In hindsight I had PPD and should’ve asked for help. Not bonding, thinking your life has been ruined etc are classic signs. Could also be hormonal as its a lot. I grieved my old life for a good year. It’s okay to grieve your old life and miss it btw, in case no one has told you.

You’re in a very rough stage OP. The first few months can be relentless and unrewarding.

I think you need to consider the possibility that you’re experiencing PND. It can be hard to recognise while you’re in it but some of your comments are making me think it’s a possibility. I was adamant I didn’t have it and that my feelings were just the result of me having made the worse mistake of my life, until I received treatment and realised just how much the PND was affecting me.

I wouldn’t make any decisions at this stage, which is the hardest and least fun. Children get infinitely easier and more fun as they get older, and you get a lot more of your life back.

Talk to your husband about how you are feeling. Let him know you need a break and proper time to yourself. Build that into your routine. That means either time when you get to leave the house and do something entirely for yourself, or time when he takes the baby away for a couple or hours and lets you have time at home. You need that kind of a break at least a couple of times a week.

Hang in there. I absolutely promise it gets so much better.