To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Oh do bore off with your self righteous condemnation.

What words have I put in your mouth exactly?
I suggested OP's feelings made you feel uncomfortable, my words not yours.
BUT this thread isn't about you or me, its about a new Mum who is struggling and you being "shocked" (your words) isn't very helpful.
The baby will most likely be fine and is unaware for now so doesn't need your sympathy

🤦‍♀️

Did it take you long to come up with such an eloquent response?

Yup. There is no point in engaging with you as you just want to antagonise and argue. I’m out.

I felt like this . DS was a tough clingy baby and I hated looking after a baby and developed PND.

It got better after 3 months . DS is now the absolute light of my life and I love his company. Some of us are not good at looking after a young baby and that is ok.

My GP told me to pay for every scrap of help I could afford and not feel guilty about it for a second.

You not in divorce territory as quite honestly you are not in your right mind at the moment.
This too will pass !

t This
OP, having a baby 24/7 is exhausting and relentless and the level of support people receive is hugely variable. To divorce your husband to enable you to get some free time is extreme to say the least. Please don't do this, you love each other and can get through this.
Please seek some help. You are not the first person to feel overwhelmed by it all and their identity lost amongst it all.
I promise things will get better but please seek support

THIS in abundance

SPOT ON

I found it got a lot better once they got to 9 months/a year and could eat a sandwich when you took them out. And I took them out a lot - sitting at home felt relentless.

It does get easier. Mine are in their twenties now and it feels like it went by so fast. I must admit we were divorced when my youngest was two though, and it was a lot easier to appreciate them with alternate weekends off.

See, I disagree: OP sounds like she's thinking VERY clearly. Parenting isn't for everyone; fair play to OP for admitting that and for saying the quiet part out loud.

However, the child is here now, and I really don't think divorce is the answer.
OP - I think if your husband's salary will cover childcare, you need to arrange that, then go back to work. For yourself, and your child.

I felt utterly depressed and alone after my child was born and several people have since admitted that they felt the same. I know people who had alot of family support which makes ALL the difference.
OP, please remember that you are not alone. Baby/toddler clubs provide a network for people who are in the same boat, irrespective of whether you consider them to be 'you' or not.
Moment by moment OP

You have each other.

Like a lot of men he could drop out altogether after divorce and then it'll be just you 24/7.

When my daughter was a few months old I looked up how to give up my much wanted child for adoption, I thought through the logistics of running away and starting a new life without her and my partner, I considered suicide frequently and felt utterly hopeless and helpless. I wanted any route out of the situation

I had severe treatment resistant depression, post partum psychosis and a good dose of shit life syndrome. I had my daughter in 2020 and spent the vast majority her early life not being able to see people due to national and local lockdown. My parents were caring for 3 of my extremely clinically vulnerable grandparents so they isolated continuously to protect them. My in-laws were 250 miles away and isolating due to cancer treatment so couldn't visit that often. My daughter has severe silent reflux and over 20 food allergies which weren't diagnosed until nearly 5 months. Prior to diagnosis she cried for 16+h a day and was in my arms for 23h a day. I got barely any reprieve as she wouldn't accept dad for more than 10 minutes.

My HV put me in touch with other local mums struggling with mental health and wellbeing, arranged for me to have a baby massage course at home to help with bonding and referred me for bonding therapy. I was under the perinatal mental health team from pregnancy due to my MH history. The relentless of the situation put me into a hole I struggled to get out of. Too late I put my daughter into nursery 2 days a week with the intention of using the days for a keeping in touch days at 9 months but unfortunately this was too late and instead of doing the keeping in touch days I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. If I had my time again I would have looked at nursery days around 6 months this wasn't an option with my daughter as she wouldn't accept anything other than breastmilk

It might not be pnd, it might be the situation of having a difficult baby, it might be both or neither. I'd reach out to those around you speak about your thoughts. Regardless of the reason there will be help. I don't remember my daughter as a newborn. She was about 13 months when I started to bond with her again. She's 4 now and an utter delight although still struggling with reflux and allergies.

The thing is I do love her. I was one of those people they tell you that you won’t be, the mother who fell in love with their baby the second they handed her to me.

The first six weeks were hard but blissful, but the last 6 weeks have knocked me sideways.
She sleeps more reasonable hours now (12-5 last night eg) but from midday until 10pm she’s crying.

She has reflux and we have everything the GP can give us. She’s clearly in pain and we’ve done EVERYTHING, it breaks my heart that she’s in pain and we can’t do anything else.

I would just like to spend much less time trying to cope with the situation.
It took us years of trying for her to be here (many, many losses) and I can’t cope, which makes me feel like a failure. I should be so grateful and all I feel is crushed.

I’ve just walked out of house (she’s with her Dad before anyone else comes for me) and driven myself to a supermarket to buy chocolate which I’m now shoving into my face whilst sobbing listening to Absolute 90s.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply with such considered responses. I’m not a troll, I’m not going to hurt her, she would have no idea I feel like this - to her I’m smiles, gentle strokes, dancing, lullabies, books, tummy time, cuddles.

I’m smashed to bits by some of the nasty/judgemental replies though, I have to say. I know the lovely and proactive ones far outweigh those but that’s where I’m at right now.

OP, glad you have not left. Keep posting. You will get help on here.

I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry that this is this hard for you right now. Others are much better equipped to provide practical advice and support than I am but I just wanted you to know that even though I’m a total stranger, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that everything turns a corner very soon for you.

Get a second opinion about the reflux treatment. Our GP was telling us that she couldn't give her any more medication but we saw a different GP and a few hours later a paediatrician and the original GP had us on half the dose she should have been on of omperazole and told us we couldn't use omperazole and gaviscon at the same time when we could.
Original GP told me she absolutely couldn't be react to foods I was eating and the reality was she was reacting to 3 or 4 different foods every meal time.

I would also investigate cmpa and being touched out. I was completely touched out by my high needs baby. I got to the end of the day and absolutely needed some time where I wasn't touching or around another human to rest a little.

OP, things will get better. I wouldn’t say I was in your shoes and I mostly enjoyed mat leave but with DS1 especially the colic was tough and I had times when I felt very down- after years of trying, failed ivfs etc. You can’t tell any family or friends how you feel. But you should try to find so wine you can talk to.

When are you going back to work? Consider starting childcare earlier if you can. Both of mine were in nursery before 8 months - that’s how it was 24/16 years ago. They’re both very well adjusted people! And with my first, there were babies who had started at 4/5 months. Maternity leave was much shorter then.

Once the feeding situation improves things should get a lot better.

Someone not some wine!

My 3rd had silent reflux and it was horrific experience parenting a screaming in agony baby.

Keep going back to the GP, keep phoning your Health Visitor.

I’m due to go back at 12 months.
I think it might be very hard for my work place for me to go back before that time as they’ve got someone in my role and I think they actually pay her more than they pay me. So they’d have to start shelling out two salaries - it is a small consultancy.

They do improve! I had a reflux baby. She was HARD to love. All the grizzling, crying, screaming, whinging.. it was tough and I regularly thought I couldn’t do it. She is now 13 and the absolute centre of my universe. Once she started talking as a toddler I was hooked. I’d see if you can go back to work early (I did) and stick it out. This phase does pass. I didn’t have any more babies!!

"I would just like to spend much less time trying to cope with the situation." @LampLamp That is great you have been able to verbalise this.

And any mother with young babies will be able to understand how tough it is, but we all feel it differently and perhaps for you its far worse and you need help to get over this hurdle.

Personally I don't think rushing back to work is the move to make that feeling go away, I think it is getting help and support and time plus changing things at home and ensuring your DH knows how you feel.

Work will just add another layer of pressure to your life another thing that you need to do, the worry of your DD will overwhelm work focus anyway

@LampLamp your more recent posts shine a different light on your position. Clearly there is something wrong that is causing all this crying and since your GP hasn’t been able to come up with a solution perhaps you could consider getting advice from a specialist paediatrician or paediatric dietitian?

If you wanted to start another thread stating what you are currently doing re feeding and what you have tried then you’ll get lots of advice though you need to give any changes a decent chance to work rather than rushing through lots of ideas willy nilly.

It’s incredibly hard having a baby with such distressing symptoms but it does get better and from my experience the hardest babies can turn into delightful placid little children and vice versa.

Take care. And step away from all thoughts of divorce- your DH sounds a good egg.💕