To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Oh god, this brings back memories! I can remember thinking exactly the same things.

@Gogogo12345 I can see that view too. For me though it took a long time before I felt I was doing right by both work and baby. My job was quite high pressured and I loved it. But I felt for a long time that I was failing at work and motherhood. In reality I was not failing at either but going back to work certainly added to the weight on my shoulders.

I'm sorry you feel like this, there's no judgement from me. In the first year after my first child's birth I often felt like having a baby was the worst mistake of my life. I was anxious and unhappy a lot of the time, and couldn't believe that this was 'forever', I felt trapped. I fantasised about running away from it all. Despite it all I desperately loved my baby. Subsequently I realised that I had bad post-natal depression. Have you considered if you do too? GPs are now pretty good with PND I believe, why don't you go talk though your feelings with your GP?

Ps. Just to say that it got unrecognisably better. I now have two teens and they are a total joy.

I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. These thoughts are rational to you as you are really struggling at the moment. Please don’t go ahead with them.
As I’m sure others have said, please speak to your doctor. I can remember feeling very similar when my youngest was a similar age. Thinking of you x

Agree with this.

I felt similar to you OP and on top of it constantly hated myself for not being able to be blissfully happy when I’d so desperately wanted a baby. I used to dream about running away. I used to plan how old she could be before I could die because then at least I would have a way out and that was preferable to dealing with the shit I was going through daily and nightly - and it felt like it would be for the rest of my life (I didn’t like my job enough to choose that as my other option).

The thing is although you would never hurt your baby, if you don’t get appropriate help your situation will likely deteriorate to the point where you are not doing what is right for her. It’s impossible to imagine but it’s also impossible to imagine you’d ever have felt the way you do now. When I look back the best way I can describe it is like an imposter had taken over my brain, I could never have imagined I’d be thinking the way I was. I was very calmly and logically planning where I could leave her (safely) so that I could run away and die. And this seemed like a very normal thing to me.

Please get help. It may be that you are simply not suited to being home so much and that’s ok, but I do think there’s a high chance of PND right now, it doesn’t always present how we imagine it would.

Oh and just to add - that same baby I couldn’t cope with is now a (sassy) pre-teen who bakes me fresh bread on the weekends and is the absolute light of my life

OP, I felt exactly the same as you. I PROMISE it gets so much better. At 6 months there's the first improvement, as they start eating, sitting, playing and the crying decreases a bit. Then it improves again when they start crawling/walking and gain that bit of independence and can actually play with something on their own for 5 minutes. Going back to work is the huge improvement stage - do what you can to get back early.

DC is now 3 and my life is 100% better than it was at your stage. You just need to get through the next 3 months. Make sure you are doing things that bring you joy. For me this was making sure I exercised 3 times a week and met friends for coffee. You can do this OP, so many of us have been where you are now and have pulled through - you will too.

Oh my love, I have not read all the thread but this will get better. My DGD had silent reflux, my goodness it is hell. If she is having any formula then please invest in the bottles with the straw inside - they do help

There were times when I could have chucked DGD out the window - it was so hard - I went round every day to help my DD. The only way DGD would sleep was if someone was holding her, the hours I have spent sitting in my bed/my DDs bed holding this screaming demon until she finally fell asleep

By process of elimination DGD has now been found to be lactose intolerant

Having said all this she is the most gorgeous toddler and I adore her, we all do

I have a lovely 13 week old who is not my first child and I wish I could give them back sometimes. I knew what to expect and it’s still very difficult at the moment. I have also fantasised about divorce so I’d have some peace and be alone half of the time, and my baby is a better sleeper than what you describe. I also fantasise about leaving them all alone and running away.

All to say, you are not alone and it’s really tough. With my first DC, I found getting out for a daily walk kept me sane, in a baby carrier or pushchair. I would try that if you haven’t already. However, I haven’t found the energy this time around so I take it one day at a time. But yes it feels relentless right now.

As other pp have said, it did get better when first dc got older, which I have to remind myself very often.

From one reflux mum to another, it is another level of hell. My first was a textbook baby, my second had severe reflux and I would have happily have given him away. I also said what you've said about worst mistake of my life and now, I am seriously ashamed of myself but when I was in the thick of it that is how I felt. I would never have hurt him but I genuinely walked away at one point and just left my husband with them because I could not cope - I came back after an hour. A blissful hour of silence. I appreciate that makes me sound horrific, like some sort of monster, but its a trauma response. I ended up with PTSD with the screaming - it took me until he was 3 to stop hearing it in my head and having flashbacks and sinking feelings every time he cried because he'd hurt himself or something. It was only at about 7 months old I felt I got to know him (after several hospitalisations and jumping every hoop to be taken seriously so they'd give him Omeprazole). I still feel like I lost the first 6 months of his life which is a huge regret of mine. If you haven't jumped all the hoops for the appropriate treatment then make sure you do and shout loud! This WILL pass and you will not feel this way forever, that you can hold me to. I had this very same conversation with a friends best friend who also had a newborn with reflux and I said this same thing to her - honestly I thought she was going to launch him. We were all massively worried but I was on the end of Whatsapp and we got her through it. He is now the absolute apple of her eye and her reason for living. My poorly baby is now a strapping nearly 8 year old and good lord, the toughest cookie I've come across - we say it's because he was forged in hell for the first few months of his life.

There is going to be a light at the end of this tunnel, this I promise you. What you need though is support - do you have any baby groups or childrens centres near you? I reached out to one and they were amazing. I also utilised my health visitor massively and she saved my life - we are still friends now! It's going to be ok, I promise you. You are in the woods and you cannot see the trees my love but day by day you will. You will think you'll never get through it but with each foot in front of the other you will. Sending you much love and support because I know how hard this is and I know you'll be beating yourself up as well.

I was the same. It was going back to work that was a turning point in me enjoying being a parent. Frankly I felt more pressure being at home trying to entertain and look after a child 24/7 and like you I don't spend my time at work worrying about my child. It was a relief to have a focus on my day that was something else.

Aw sweetheart. Fourteen years ago I could have written this. Twin girls with reflux. They weren’t planned either. It was so hard. I went to my GP, handed them to him and said ‘I don’t want them - please take them, I can’t do this’ - to cut a long story short I did get antidepressants, HV support, a CPN and some counselling. They’re teenagers now and I love them so much. I’m sad now that I missed out on the joy that others seem to feel with little babies. I just found it so bloody overwhelming. I hope you’re ok. Please talk to your doctor. Lots of love.

Some people hate the baby stage OP, I'm one of them. Didn't know it before I gave birth, had a lovely pregnancy - but oh god it was a shit first year. I loved him more than anything but I thought it was the biggest mistake of my life, that my life was now over and that I had completely ruined it.

He's now 18 and the best thing that ever happened to me! Life would have been meaningless without him. Never considered having another baby though, babies are just bloody awful.

Oh Op, being stuck with a a crying, sick baby, is the most appalling mental torture ever.
Very few people understand the depths of pressure and exhaustion it can bring.
You have a tiny human, and to the best of your abilities you can't make it happy.
The crying is so soul-destroying, and the sleeplessness even worse.

I swear my second baby would not be alive without the electric swing (speed 3) I used to put him in to survive the worst of the screaming.

Things will get better!