To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

And how can you kick a desperately struggling new mother when she's down? You ought to be ashamed of that comment.

Can you afford a nanny/childcare and instead you go back to work early?

As others say you should see your GP.

Longer term, when are you returning to work? Can the return date be brought forward? I was a sahm for a few years and going back to work saved my sanity (i should have done it earlier).

Going back to work is probably what you need for your peace of mind. Realistically if you do divorce your dh will stick her into 8am-6pm childcare anyway and that can be arranged without the expense of a divorce.

Do not be caught in the trap of thinking that your wages have to exceed the nursery fees to be "worth it". You and your dh are corporately responsible for your child's care, it does not automatically fall to you. You are individually responsible for only 50% of the care needed and he is responsible for the other 50%. You have as much right as he does to outsource some of that care. He has as much responsibility as you do for the remaining care during nights and weekends. Arranging this fairly does not require a divorce.

You may well be in the grip of PND too. Getting back to work asap may help.

Get nursery sorted and talk to your GP about PND.

Thank you.

That’s me done.

The best bit of advice I was given (by another mumsnetter in fact) was to not even consider divorce in the first year of becoming parents. Having a baby changes everything, it doesn’t matter how easy or difficult your kid is, your relationship will never be the same and the first year is all about learning to be a parent and also navigating a new way of living not only as a family but as a husband and wife as well.

The first year is really challenging and when it’s get to toddler years it’s challenging in a whole other way. Kids test your patience and there are often times I sit and think back to our baby free times and how much easier and simplified life was, but at the same time I couldn’t imagine my life without my child in it.

I don’t want to presume as I’m not a professional, but from what you have said it does sound likely you could be suffering from PND. I suffered without realising for 5 months, it can be really challenging but there is help available. It doesn’t make you a bad parent for needing a break. Do you have any friends that you would feel comfortable watching her for a hour or so, so you can go out to lunch by yourself and have a short break?

Things will get easier. Speak to your health visitor.

OP, I know you don't want to hear this but your post does scream PND. You deserve to feel better than this, so do see your GP for some support.

That said, the early days are very hard work and relentless - but that doesn't last. They aren't like this for 18 years.

This is very relatable for a lot of new mums.. when my son was born 18 years ago I actually thought it was a conspiracy to tell women how wonderful motherhood was just so we would all join the ‘shit club’ .. I was the stay at home parent too and I found the whole mothering relentless and overwhelming. I had PND and didn’t realise until I spoke to my gp and got help.
Don’t get me wrong, there were still parts of parenting I found dull but I was better able to cope with those bits.
As many people have said, it does get better.. my kids are 18 and 12 now and Ï absolutely love being their mum.
please please speak to your gp and hubby and if you can, get a babysitter one evening a week so you have something to look forward to for yourself every week.. and I would join a class for another night and leave bub with your hubby.. you do need some time to re charge the batteries.. can hubby take your baby to his parents for an afternoon some weekends just so you can watch some movies or read a book in peace?
At my worst my husband used to check me into a cheap b&b for the odd night so I could get some space and rest.
Chat with your hubby and any other trusted family members.. there is no shame is asking for help..You’ve got this OP..

Please know that you are not alone in finding it tough. Babies are hard work and really quite boring. They give nothing back for the first few months. I joke with my DH that if we divorced I’d get more me time from my 4 year old but you seem to be quite extreme so I would second the other suggestions to please speak to your GP.

Please let us not tone police the OP.

Was the birth traumatic OP?

I think that before even considering this seriously you should explore the possibility of Post Natal Depression or Post Pregnancy Thyroiditis.

Both are very common, very treatable and could be the source of how you are feeling right now.

I'd definitely go back to work in your shoes. I was happy with my firstborn, but still went back to work a month earlier than planned - it was so good just to sit on the tube 3 days a week and not be 'mum'; honestly it works better for a lot of people.

If you still feel negative towards baby after getting a break, I'd look for help. It's hard to say for certain if it's PND (although literally feeling like you want to give the baby away suggests it to me) or just not being a SAHM type and having a particularly needy baby. Who, as others have pointed out, will not be a needy baby in perpetuity.

Good luck with sorting something out, but honestly I'd say it sounds like your husband is not the issue - you need to 'find yourself' and are miserable with everything feeling dominated by the baby, which I totally get

Phone your GP tomorrow asking for an urgent appointment. You need help.

Hey many suffering from infertility wouldn't say that!

Also perhaps you doing the dog walks would help, get out of the house etc. And DH having baby 8.30 to 12.30 at night is not really helping you to be able to feel like an adult human who can go and do things. You would be better off having an hour in the morning or the afternoon etc.

It is a really hard time..... You will get there. You just need more support and help.

Please do talk to someone in real life, a professional, a nurse even if not a therapist or GP or the below for some thing immediate

• Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI) – helpline on 020 7386 0868 (10am to 2pm, Monday to Friday) or email [email protected].
• Pre and Postnatal Depression Advice and Support (PANDAS) – helpline on 0808 196 1776 (11am to 10pm every day) or email [email protected].

You are unhelpful in any way.

Please don’t leave the thread. Please stick around and read what others are commenting who felt the same once and got through it. You will be ok. Everything will be ok 💐

Can you go back to work early op?
Also, you say your husband walks the dog, can you take over that task so you're outside getting some air and exercise ? Preferably without baby but with baby in a sling/push chair if you have to.

I’m sorry you’re in such a rough situation. Very young babies are such relentless work, and you seem to have a particularly restless one.

I had PND twice, was hospitalized the second time, and then spent six weeks in an intensive outpatient program with other mothers with PND. You have a difficult baby, and I’m not discounting that. But please, believe me, you are not entirely rational right now. I’ve always loved both my children, but I went through a period where I was seriously considering abandoning my older daughter at a fire station. I was actually counting hours and days until our area’s time limit for that ran out.

Your baby’s not going to be like this forever, OP. I promise you. When I was having a rough time with my older daughter, I sat with her in our rocking chair and I told her (and myself) all the fun things we were going to do when she got older. And you know what? She did get older, and it did become enjoyable being her mother, and I’m eternally thankful I didn’t leave her at a fire station.

Your daughter needs to see a doctor about why she’s screaming (allergies?) and you need to see someone about all your feelings. I don’t know if you’re breastfeeding at all, but if you are and you’re prescribed incompatible medications, those are the priority over breastfeeding. I made the mistake with my second daughter of trying to martyr myself, refusing meds, and continuing breastfeeding, and that’s how I ended up hospitalized.

Don’t make any drastic decisions about being a wife or being a mother. You’re going through hell right now, but if you keep going you’ll come out the other side.

Laminthefly - The only one with a vile attitude is you. This lady is quite clearly struggling with a newborn and needs some help and support.

I take it you don’t have children of your own from your response? Because no mother would respond in this way if they had any experience in bringing up a child. Kids are hard work, everyone has days where they don’t feel like they can continue but it’s the support of others (regardless of whether they are friends or strangers on the internet) that help get people through!

@Iaminthefly I hope you get banned from Mumsnet forever.

@Ilovecakey, your post was disgusting too, bringing childless women into it.

I felt like this OP, although our family were a bit of use.
People will probably tell you that you have PND and maybe you do but you have also had a major life change and I know that going from an independent woman to a Mum and facing years of what at the moment is just bloody hard work is not easy. Especially if you aren't feeling that all encompassing love for your baby that you are meant to feel.
I COULD tell you it will get better but when I was where you are I wouldn't have believed it.
I don't know what to tell you to be honest OP other than you feel what you feel, in my case I just faked how I felt and leaned on DH A LOT until I started to feel like I could actually cope and be a decent Mother to DD.
From around 6 months old it did get better, DD started to interact and give something back rather than just be a job I would rather not have. From around 1 I started to really love her and it just grew from there really.
In purely practical terms though divorcing your DH could actually make things worse as you can't force him to have your baby and you could end up getting LESS of a break