To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Okay firstly calm down it's hardly the rest of your lives! Babies don't stay babies forever. They get older and go school then eventually grow up. I know how hard it is believe me I have twin babies and no family support. But evsn though its hard before you know it they are not babies anymore. You may have post partum depression. I think you should speak to your GP about how you are feeling.Could you not return to work part time now so you could put her in nusery for a bit? And when she is 2 you will get free nursery hours so will get a break then.

All these people saying "what did you expect" etc...how does anyone know what to expect? No-one does, don't be ridiculous.

Don't feel sorry for the baby. This is a mother who clearly recognises that something isn't right, so is trying to rectify it. And hopefully will find a way of doing so without resorting for the nuclear option.

You sound like you're having real trouble bonding with your baby.

Perhaps some more time apart from each other would help you to come to like your baby, let alone love her. Are you able to afford a regular day time nanny?

No-one has says it has to be PND.

Visit your doctor and let them decide.

I totally understand this. Honestly, it really does get better. The first few months are a total write-off. I do think switching over with your DH so you're doing chores and not looking after the baby would be better. Sounds like you have a great DH, so while those feelings are completely natural, it won't actually solve your problem. In the meantime, see if you can get out for a few hours without her today. Don't feel bad about this, babies are bloody hard work and you're coming to terms with a big change.

You could go back to work and put the baby in nursery. It’s less extreme than divorce and you get some adult time.

Not everyone is cut out for 24 hours a day parenting.

OP take time for yourself please.

I had these thoughts in the first year with an IVF much wanted baby. She’s almost 3 and it does get better. You do adjust to the change I promise.

I also had PND for the first 2 years, it wasn’t easy and I have a DH that does understand that it’s not something I can control. I love her more than life itself and have a responsibility to her to give her the best life possible. But I didn’t think k I would ever

The first year is wild, if you can go back to work early and reclaim some of yourself then do it! It’s relentless and pretty boring in the first year if you don’t love the newborn/baby stage, not everyone does!

OP, when I had PND I remember thinking “I WISH I had PND, I don’t, I just hate doing this and want to be alone again or back to being pregnant”. It was PND, denial is a symptom. Please get help, my DD is now 11 and I have overcome a lot and we have an amazing bond, I’m so pleased I never left (like you it was a serious consideration). I just needed a break and to have time to recover and help from the GP (which I didn’t get out of pride which just made it go on for longer)

Why does it have to be PND? Why can’t I realise this was a terrible mistake? If I could give her up for adoption tomorrow I happily would.

OP, I felt exactly like this. In fact, I remember saying this, almost verbatim, to someone close to me when my baby was a couple of months old. I genuinely didn't understand why people kept telling me I needed to see a Doctor and felt they weren't listening to me.

It turns out I did have PND, and PTSD. I was really very unwell indeed, so unwell that I had no insight into my illness. It was only once I had treatment and started to recover that I realised how unwell I was.

My children are older now, I love them dearly and am so glad I had them. Life is good.

Maybe you're right and how you feel is nothing to do with your Mental Health, but there is no harm in talking to your GP or HV to explore this. They won't judge, they will have spoken to many new mothers who feel as you do.

Your baby will get older. It won't be like this for the rest of your life.

I think you should talk to your gp or health visitor. X

Sounds really tough OP. I feel you, I've had one baby that was a delight and the other a colicky, refluxy, piece of haaaaaarrrd work, and she only wanted me.
We had no family around, so thankfully, I took some good advice before she was born to get a mother's help to help juggle the two.

Instead of divorcing, could you spend your money on a really experienced nanny to help with the baby?

Once they start walking they become a bit more fun, and by 18 months they will be down to one nap and there are lots of activities you'll be able to enjoy with them.

Xx

There is no need to stay off work for a year - go back to work and see if things improve once you have some time to yourself. Use a good nursery full-time and consider working less hours so you have time for yourself again.
You could well have pnd - you need to be happier yourself to have a well adjusted child.

I absolutely hated the baby stage and had a screamer non sleeper. It will get better, I adore them now and it’s so much fun.

ask him to watch while you go out / go to bed / have a bath. Take any time you can to be alone and rest

With DC2 if I could have handed him back I would have done for the first 18 months or more. Our marriage didn’t survive and he was a small contributing factor - I ended up with him 24/7 and he is bloody hard work - now 11 and still hard work but much much better than under 5. I was told it was PND, I don’t think it was looking back - it was having a very difficult child and having a very difficult husband who did anything rather than look after his child. Sometimes if we don’t bond or whatever (as we as women are supposed to we get told we are depressed) but you might be - I’m not a doctor.

Now divorced and did so when he was 1. My current partner (older and wiser and does much than 50/50 of household) finds him lovely but exhausting. But I now get breaks lots of breaks and I find him easier as I he isn’t a baby, he doesn’t need supervising etc

For example on Boxing Day it took a 15 mile walk (we all decided myself, my partner and our two over 18 children) to walk him until he was quiet. It took 7 hours. We went into the middle of nowhere and walked large sections of a coastal path, even 5 hours in he was still running, skipping, messing about - when he got home he was manageable. But normally he’s up at 5 am and like a firework. He didn’t sleep as a baby, he just didn’t sleep. Experts out, consultants involved - everyone had ‘something to try’ nothing worked. Even now aged 11 he walks an hour to school and an hour back just to calm him down. My ex husband is an extreme marathon runner - think 150 miles plus and has run across continents and countries. My ex husband thinks nothing of a 20 mile RUN to work and 20 mile run home. Son is the same. He needs to run everyday.

My empathy is all for you. What do you do for you? Where are your hobbies and time out of the house? Where is your break and holiday on your own?

If you can you need to tell your husband and your health visitor how you feel and not get fobbed off that it is PND, get a blood test, look at blood and thyroid levels etc and sleep. My son was an innocent baby but I struggled to bond with him- my sleep deprivation was pure torture 20 minutes maximum at a time.

You might not have family close by - mine were far away and useless. So build up a support network near you. NCT groups, church groups, ask for other mums and dads on Facebook.

It’s not an easy fix. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere and will always be your daughter. She won’t be a baby for ever.

I felt like this and it took a long time to look back and realise that this was either PND / trauma from a difficult birth / exhaustion from lack of sleep and a baby who did nothing but scream (probably a mix of all 3). I think it was when I had my 2nd and I felt totally different (easy birth and plenty of sleep) that I realised things were not right the first time round.

I remember thinking that I can't do this for the next 18 years that I'm responsible for this poor baby. Believed it was all a big mistake, resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't cut out to be a parent and also thought there was no way out because if I put my baby up for adoption someone (my husband or my parents) would sweep in and take her on. I've still never told anyone this.

Now I'm so sad that in 6 years time my baby will be 16 and those years have flown by and i have to start letting her go and find her own way in the world. She's been my best buddy for a decade and these years have been absolutely amazing other than the first difficult 6 months. There hasn't been a time that I haven't wanted her by my side. Even writing the above makes me feel ashamed but it's important to share these things.

And when u went back to work it was better as I got a break, work is easy in comparison

Our daughter went to nursery 3 days at 5 months, 4 days at 6 months and 5 days at 7months. Still does 5 days now, until school starts in September.

If our daughter wasn’t at nursery, I’m not sure we’d have coped. My wife is a wonderful mother, but it’s a massive change to lifestyle and it affected us both harder than we expected, even now.

Things do get easier, but there are other hurdles that are thrown at you on the way. The best advice we received was “everything is a phase”, when things are bad it’ll get better. When things are great, it will go wrong at some point I.e chickenpox

Sometimes accepting you need support is better, nursery was the best thing for us.

We didn’t discuss divorce but we did tag team in the early years. One would have the DC and the other would go out….gym, cafe, cinema..,,anywhere! we were basically apart almost every evening for weeks at a time!

could you do something like this @LampLamp

I can remember looking at my much loved eldest when he was a demanding baby and saying out loud, before I had you I had a job, a life and I wasn't covered in sick. Babies are very demanding and if you are sleep deprived it feels like torture. However it does get better. My approach was to go out, with baby, a lot. We were hardly ever in the house. Everything seemed much easier. And he didn't seem to cry so much.

It's bloody hard, I remember googling what age a baby could go to nursery because I was finding it so hard in the early months. It will get better. Can you put baby in childcare a few days a week to get some time back for yourself? Having a break and getting some proper sleep really does help dealing with it all the rest of the time

I remember really not liking the baby stage. Maternity leave was dull. I loved her, of course I did, but she wasn’t interesting. I basically kept her alive. And I lost a bit of myself because I liked work. No one tells you this with the whole #makingmemories shit.
I suppose what I’m saying is, if you are like me, different stages of life make a difference. I was no good at guessing what mine wanted; once she started talking it was a game changer. Then when she became a proper person (7/8) a whole new stage again.
You won’t always have a baby.
Don’t make any drastic decisions now, but speak to your DH about how you feel. You might need some help. Or you might just need to get some normality back.
Good luck.

I could’ve written this ♥️ I have no answer but you’re not the only one who thinks this way op xxxx

@LampLamp do seek some professional help and let them evaluate if it is PND. I'd be surprised if there is not some medical factor as, No quite simply divorcing someone you have been married too for a long time purely so you can spend less time with your child is not rational.

Not saying its not how you feel but it is worth spending time with a professional and evaluating your feelings. There are so many possibilities out there