To divorce my husband just so I have to spend less time with my baby

[LampLamp]

My husband is a nice bloke, we get on well, we have decent enough sex, we’ve been married for well over a decade and generally plodded along okay. I want to divorce him.

In October I gave birth to our much wanted daughter. She’s lovely but genuinely I’d like to spend a lot less time with her.

I don’t earn enough on my own to keep the household going with all the bills, cars, pets and mortgage but my husband does, so I’m stuck with maternity leave and relentless grizzling, screaming and shit. Honestly all she does is sleep (rarely) or scream.

I am thinking about divorcing him purely to have less time with her. Upon returning to work, I could afford a one bed flat on my own even if I dropped to 3 days a week.
I am aware that sounds extreme but I can’t cope with the yapping, whinging and grizzling for the years to come. I’d happily be a once a weekend parent.

Honestly, see a GP and go back to work. Reclaim some of yourself.

Go back to work at 4 or 6 months
No need to be on mat leave longer than you need

Speak to your gp, but it's fine to go back to work, yes much of what you earn goes on child care but it means that you'll get time out of the house

Hey OP. Sorry to hear you are really struggling right now.
This stage is really in the trenches as far as babies are concerned.

Might I please ask OP, with the greatest possible respect, what exactly did you expect to happen when you had your baby?

Mine are preteens now and i still regularly think what the fuck have i done. Having kids is bloody hard and nothing at all like what you think it'll be like. You can't send them back so you need to muddle through.

It might be PND or it might be you adjusting to a huuuge life change. Can you look at childcare options? That will be a lot cheaper than divorce.

Go back to work! I went back at 3 months after both of my ds and for the 1st I couldn't wait! it gets easier but there is no need to stay home if you hate it.. Focus on continuing your career and then if you need to divorce later you would be financially independant.

Maternity leave in France is 12 weeks. In the US it's way less. Just because UK societal norms say you should take months doesn't mean YOU should.
No way I would have survived my first if I'd had to stay at home.
Go back to work. Build an amazing career. Don't think now is how it'll be forever.

I'm so sorry OP 💐 I very much felt the same when you did. FWIW I powered through (with lots of practical changes - I'll list them in a mo) my 5yo is sat fixated on a new hot-wheels track without a peep, and has been for the better part of 3 hours, so it does get better!

MN will hate it, but I went back to work 3 months in. DS went to nursery full time, I got a bit of myself back, and to this day I believe that was absolutely the best thing for both us. Can you do this, or even better do this and have a day or two to yourself (work 3 days, childcare 5 days)?

I'd second whoever above said swap with your DH and do the chores whilst he has baby.

And definitely see a GP and see what support they can give you. Other mothers don't always say it, but lots go through stages exactly like this x

It can be difficult to know in advance whether you have much of a maternal instinct.

OP, this is very normal and understandable reaction to the monumental upheaval of new motherhood. The feeling that you've made an appalling mistake is extremely common, but rarely spoken about.

I clearly remember telling my mum when ds was just a couple of months old that I couldn't believe that my life was now reduced to 'this'. It seemed utterly relentless - it was utterly relentless! And it it seemed impossible that there might be light at the end of the tunnel.

Please do speak to your HV and GP, they can help. Are you in a position to throw money at the issue - postnatal doula or night nanny perhaps? Divorce is very unlikely to be the answer, but sleep and time will probably help enormously.

You can speak to your GP if you’re feeling down but honestly young babies are hard. I found mine got progressively easier at 6 months, 9 months, and 18 months. Could you consider getting a nanny to give you a break or other form of childcare? From 6 months my 3rd kid went to the Childminder a few hours a week.

Oh OP it’s SUCH a hard time in the parenting process. I remember feeling like this. You need a break, regular breaks in fact. It’s not easy but pleased don’t throw your marriage away or do something you will regret.

The way you talk about your baby is worrying. If a man wrote the OP, everyone would be urging him to get away from the baby for its own safety. I’m prepared for the onslaught of “The OP is probably depressed” comments; that might well be true but I still think she needs to tell her husband how she’s feeling and get away from the baby.

I went back to work part-time when DD1 was 3 months old - it was so good feeling normal again. She is now 27 and I have no regrets.
Babies are both hard work and boring - it is just relentless. But it’s not for long as it does get easier.
But as previous posters have said, make an appointment with your GP.

Yes. Classic PND.

Talking about having divorce just because of the baby when there is nothing wrong with your marriage and talking about adoption is major alarm bells of PND. You must speak to someone as soon as possible. You can get help from home start too. They are trained volunteers who can come and give you a break.

Don't be a dick. And why?

Does anyone really know what to expect before having a first baby? I don’t think there is any way to truly prepare for what a huge upheaval it can be, and if you throw PND into the mix it can be an absolutely unprecedented overhaul of everything you ever felt or expected to feel. I don’t think it’s remotely helpful to act like everyone knows exactly what their getting from motherhood or blame women for not knowing in advance how they will feel.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I teach a class of 5 to 7 years olds 5 days a week, and it’s nothing compared to parenting.

The relentless crying and demands ease eventually, but when you’re in the midsts of it, it feels overwhelming.

Divorce is extreme and I don’t think it would actually help because the days you have your dc, you’ll be alone.

Could you schedule in time alone every day, every other day or a whole weekend, regularly so that you know you have some time apart?

I would really try to seek out help, for your sake and that of your dh and dc.

But your husband won't be able to do this if you divorce. You'll be doing some of it on your own

A divorce won’t solve this issue. It will cause more misery.
I had PND twice. This sounds very much like PND.
Make an appointment with the health visitor or GP. Ask about PND.
it is possible to enjoy your marriage and your baby and there is help out there for that.

Exactly my thoughts, just read through all of OP’s posts and sounds like she’s serious in really not wanting the baby. I’m worried for this poor child.

I wouldn’t hurt her, if that’s what you’re suggesting, never. It has never even crossed my mind.