To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

Hope you texted back, "Yes, we're around."

Don’t let anything spoil this happy announcement OP. You’ve had a bit of time to get over any disappointment and I don’t think it was meant anyway.
Your son is getting married…rejoice in this news with him!
And I would get this thread taken down too, lots of personal info on it.

This is overthinking and spiralling. He is in a massively different time zone on new years with massive news.

he will probably call and tell you properly. As if your dd didn’t tell you because of his fiances post you wouldn’t know.

i generally don’t assume my parents know things i post on socials, I tell them separately.

give him some grace and he will contact you.
congratulations on what sounds like a lovely addition to your family 🥳

If all this had happened in the UK I'd have felt hurt. The fact it was posted in Australia with a huge time difference I wouldn't make a thing of it. It's obvious your DS & now fiancé think you don't know & wish to surprise you with a call. I would let them know your daughter already mentioned it & go to say
how delighted you are & you were waiting from them to tell you. Why spoil a great relationship with them by acting hurt.

Hope you texted back, "Yes, we're around. xx"

But it’s my baby and it is this man’s engagement. Neither of these events belong to the mother of the child or technically involve them. I gave birth and raising my own baby, my mum has very little input with my baby day to day, I can share my news how I like and with who I like. OP isn’t getting married her son is. I get that it’s a shame but it’s not really a big deal it’s a HAPPY occasion

You do not belong to your parents you are not objects. You become an independent adult making your own life and choices. making it about you at a time like this will completely sour relationships and put a down on it.

What is ‘odd’ is thinking you can change an outcome to something that has already happened. What would you benefit or gain from telling someone they hurt you in this way it’s not like he can go back in time? It’s already done now.

@Whatado

Yes she could have said do you see GF insta post. Then told OP more sensitively.

It's not that ridiculous really.

He hasn’t not told her, he just hasn’t told her yet. His GF posted online in a completely different time zone, probably not thinking. I imagine he’d want to tell his mum in person rather than by text.

I can understand you might feel a little sad, OP, but don’t let it spoil the fact that he has found someone he loves and is happy to spend his life with and that you really like her. A good outcome I would say.

You are being unreasonable. Why do you feel that you had to know first I genuinely do not understand. It's not like they kept it a secret - I bet they were planning to announce it differently than just "omg did you see Insta", but there was no reason for you to know beforehand.

Why not just be happy for them?

I would be sad if my son did this and don’t let people on here make you feel as though you are weird for that. They should have told family first.

@Optigan oh yes I didn't think
Of that!

I guess I do not believe telling your parents before you broadcast it on Insta makes you an object and a non- independent adult.

He sounds like a nice person who wants to tell you his news. He clearly doesn’t know you’ve been told/seen on social media. Tell your daughter he’s going to announce it to you and ask her not to tell him she’s already told you. Sounds like a faff but it’ll make things better all round.

Just off FaceTime. They called from outside the tennis venue so didn't waste any time at all.
DS joked "so I need to tell you why I spent less on your Xmas presents this year" then flipped the camera and said "all my money went on this".
We shared congratulations, he told us the story etc.
Then he said I can tell DD etc. and I said actually DD already knows, and he looked a little confused and I said instagram! He said oh shit, and said he didn't even think about it, his girlfriend was really apologetic too and said it didn't even cross her mind that we were on there and said she felt bad. DH and I told them not to worry.

Edited to say: x post! Just read your update op! Well handled!

__

This may all be true but this isn’t the right occasion to complain about it!

Op you need to look at your priorities here which is your relationship with your son and future dil, This is about them and it is their big moment. Don’t ruin it by making it about you.

What’s happened has happened. They are young and a bit thoughtless, they are excited, the time difference is huge, it’s a digital world. You can’t change it. There’s nothing to he gained from complaining and saying how hurt you are.

Anyway, overall, you are not hurt. You are really pleased for them and it sounds as if you really like your ds’s gf. Believe me, many parents would like to feel that way! Be happy!

This 100%. Genuinely baffling.

@Lentilweaver this response reads

‘I chose to have kids and raise them and in repayment for this I am entitled to be no 1 priority and to know everything about their life forever until I die’

and then people wonder why their adult kids cut them out of their lives 😂

Ok, with that update, OP, just let it go.

You’re skating close to blaming this woman for your son’s perceived faults.

Maybe your dd should have kept quiet and given her brother a chance to tell you.

What are your expectations here? For his fiancé to remind him to tell you?

Most people would be incredibly upset by that. I would too. It's all very well to say 'look past it and be happy for them' but the hurt is understandably intense. Hopefully in time you can talk to him about how you're feeling once the excitement on his part (and yours perhaps) has worn off a bit.

I do think it's a reflection of modern times and people turn to SM before they do anything else.

Ok @Kloa we will have to agree to disagree.

Please expand as that’s exactly what you said. I raised them so I would expect to be told

The son hasn’t called everyone and left out OP. So what is there to be upset about?

It's good that they've apologised, and you're not caught up in any pretence over how you found out. Hopefully they will be a bit more thoughtful the next time they have any major news to share!

So private that she posted it all over Insta...