To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Oh, sod that. He's bullying you into accepting the unacceptable.

Just to remind you that you, your emotions, and your reaction are not at all the problem here.

“More than anything”, HE and his selfish actions are the problem. Please read this as many times as you need to x

I can’t thank you all enough. I am so glad I created this thread.

I think you should move out for a few weeks and let him run the house. Make him see how hard it is. Baptism of fire.

This isn't acceptable. It's not 1950. Men should be participating in running the household. You need to spell it out. I NEED YOU HOME A MINIMUM of 3 nights per week and one weekend day. If not leave. He's a child.

My parents had a similar situation. Both worked full time in demanding professional jobs. But my dad did nothing at home. He went out every Friday and worked late most nights. Ok Saturday and Sunday hw golfed. The course was over an hour from the house and he would have a big lunch there and be back about 5pm.
My mum was left doing everything. She resents it massively and their relationship is toxic. It's put enormous strain on us as a family as they can't stand being around each other. Get out.

Yes. There is no going back for me, he has already gone. The way he treated me and the other woman is just something that I cannot move on from.

Are you sure you still love him?

I couldn't love someone who treated me so badly.

He's living a bachelor life while you are trapped propping everything up for him.

Dump him.

I've just read more of this thread. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a prize shit. He sounds appalling - there's no shame in having tried your best and loved him, but it's for the best that this is where it ends. You will come out of this with your self respect, strength you never knew you had, plus your children, family and friends. He is trying to put all the blame for HIS pathetic choices and actions on you. Don't get drawn in, don't try to explain why he's wrong, there are lot of narcissistic traits in what you've said about him and your only choice is to work hard on detachment.

He will eventually get the (shit) life he deserves, but by then you may very well not care. Take all the support offered, look after yourself, get a good solicitor, and free yourself of such a miserable relationship. Good luck, we're all rooting for you and a new start for you and your dc in 2025. X

It suits his narrative to blame you - you didn’t give him enough affection 🙄 and so he can justify his horrendous treatment of you in his mind.

No-one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy, even when they clearly are. He has made up a new version of reality where he is a downtrodden guy, the hero, acting reasonably. He has painted you as the bad guy so he doesn’t feel guilt for cheating. He probably has convinced himself so much, he actually believes it’s true.

In reality he is a husband who abandoned you with a new born baby, because he couldn’t face up to responsibility and was too selfish to grow up. He came back but effectively carried on living like a young single man, leaving all the hard work and responsibility to you. But he is not man enough to admit or accept any of these facts. It’s easier for him to rewrite history, turn you into the villain and him a victim.

However that does not mean you have to believe this false narrative, nor waste energy trying to make him see the cold hard truth. You know the truth, you hold your head high and know that there was nothing different you could have done. Nothing you could have done would have made him grow up, become unselfish and be a loving Husband and hands on Dad.

deep down I don’t think I do. I just wanted us to be a happy family but I know that could never be the case.

Women do not walk away from things easily I would have done everything I could to make it work but he took the absolute piss out of me.

You and your DC are a happy family. You are enough. Don't forget that.

Echo what has been said above, please don't do anything until you've spoken to a solicitor. You need to focus on the future and the best way to get there.

I think what hurts is that he obviously checked out months/years ago so now he is ok and I am the one that is hurting right now.

I made an appointment at the drs this morning and he just said he would be worried if I didn’t feel like this. It’s just a phase and I will bounce back, I thought I was becoming depressed

It will be your self esteem, OP. Men like this seek out confident women to break them. Hold your head up high and take deep breaths. You will come through this, he on the other hand will always be an abusive partner.

@Fastforwardayear this type of bloke always say the same 'not getting enough affection' - I wish they would man up and say I wanted sex at least 2 or 3 times a week - if they were more honest about that was all that mattered to them it would be easier for women to see far earlier that all many of this type of guy wants is a regular free shag and the housework done and make choices accordingly

Please don’t disclose the outcome of this appointment with him. It’s exactly none of his business, and he should kindly Foxtrot Oscar with his analysis of your emotional state.

i will not tell him anything

What if it ends up happily ever after with this woman? Is this usually the case?

1. It won’t impact you because you’ll be getting on with your life which will be a million times better than your life was with him.
2. It also probably will never happen because: a) men like this never change b) when he’s out longer than she realised, she’ll always be wondering if he’s doing to her, what he done to you c) she hasn’t tried living with him yet…!

Sometimes it does others not so.

I'd say that was an impossible question to answer as to whether your STBX's relationship with the OW will or not.

Either way hopefully you'd have sold up, moved on and found happiness in your own life.

I’m just worried if it does work out will that make me question if I was the problem?

No, because you won't be thinking about him at all then. And you weren't the problem, he was.

No, definitely not.

I had screen shotted some messages for myself from a long running thread by a poster called gingerloaf. Husband had affair etc.
I was reading them today.
My EXH's AP couldn't keep the 'frisson' going once I threw him out and the exciting affair dwindled into something very toxic and miserable after a couple of years.
There was a poster called @Thewookiemustgo who wrote incredibly eloquently about her husbands affair and what he felt.
It really resonated with me.
Her posts were around the 25th Nov 24 and I will try to find a link to the thread and put here.

I think it always takes two to tango so there are always both of you involved in any problem but there were fundamental issues in this relationship that weren’t being resolved and running off with another woman is never going to resolve them. I think it just wasn’t the right relationship for you to be in and eventually you will find the right person for you that you will want to be more intimate with and he will not leave you doing all the hard work with children while he swans off with other women. I also speak from experience being incredibly happy now but with 2 older children from a previous relationship that was never going to be right or the right person for me x