To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

@Fastforwardayear
I found her thread.
This link is part 2: No longer blindsided by H www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5186498-no-longer-blindsided-by-h

Different circumstances/situation to yours but @Thewookiemustgo posts are around 25th Nov 24.

As poster above, there were issues in the relationship prior to the affair )as shown by his brief abandonment of you and your newborn) but I kind of u destined why it carried on.
You kept on 'working hard' at it as if we work hard' enough at something, we're raised to believe things will be perfect.

Unfortunately it's very hard to know when one is working hard at the 'wrong thing'. In your case it was a man who seemed not to be able to cope coming second to your child?

Here are some screenshots of her posts

And just to add I worked ridiculously hard at 'the wrong thing' for 37years (!!! Yes truly!!) and the shock people had when I ended it after the final affair was like WTF??? You guys were 'The Perfect Couple'.

I'm 3 years out and old now but god I wish I'd got rid of him sooner

From what you have said about him things will only be “happily ever after” if his OW is a complete walkover who does absolutely everything around the house, looks after his kids for him on the days he has them, has sex with him every night without complaint, happily puts up with his utter selfishness and laziness and puts up with him going out drinking whenever he fancies with no complaints.

Probably there will be a honeymoon period where she’s happy to be his handmaid and be a perfect mummy to his dcs but I’m pretty sure that’ll wear off quickly and she’ll be just as miserable and resentful as you are.

Or - he suddenly changes his whole personality and becomes a wonderful, present and engaging father and partner who loves being around his family and takes up an equal share of the workload.

Which do you think is more likely?

And it really doesn’t matter either way - you need to stop worrying about him and her and realise that he was never going to change his ways whilst he was with you and you were thoroughly miserable and bringing up your dcs alone anyway.

Fuck ‘em!

Your husband is a cheating, selfish, self centered prick who only cares about himself. He isn't a prize. He's not even a booby prize.

They might stay together but happily ever after? I don't think so.

The thing is he thinks I am stupid. He told me everytime he meets up with the kids he tells her where he is and she turns up. I find that a bit stalkerish but I know it’s lies. I don’t believe a word he says anymore.

It may work out with them, but please don’t take it as an insult to you. My aunt cheated on my uncle, and ended up marrying her affair partner. I know both men quite well, as it has now been over 40 years. My uncle is kind, generous, patient, and has retired into a very comfortable/affluent lifestyle. Her second husband/affair partner is mean, has a horrible temper, farts in public, doesn’t have two pennies to rub together, and still has to work, despite being nearly 80. I have no explanation on why she made the choices she did,

It’s just the lies, he must think I am bloody stupid it’s insulting

Tell him you think it’s pretty pathetic he already needs another woman to help him look after his own kids on these trips out as he obv can’t cope.

Bc he does. He won’t want sole responsibility to feed, look after and entertain them 24/7 if he has 50/50 custody.

Yes I bet the only reason he is meeting up with OW and his kids (so quickly and frequently) is because he now has a new vacancy for a Nanny/Housekeeper. He is likely going to weasel his way into moving into her home, expecting her to cook and clean for him and then also look after his kids for him when he has them. Probably thinks she will be happy looking after the kids for him while he continues to swan off to all his hobbies and social meet ups.

The thing is, a Mum will bend over backwards to look after her own children and do anything to try make the relationship with her kids Father work. Much less so a new boyfriend’s kids, who you don’t have an emotional attachment to.

She has been presented with the best version of him so far - fun, carefree, exciting, lots of free time. Now kids are being thrown into the mix, ok. But if he moves in with her she is quickly going to see the selfish, lazy side of him, his terrible habits, trying to blend two lots of children together……. only time will tell if she will put up with him or not.

I kicked him out a while ago and again he told me he liked this woman so that I begged for him back. Now apparently it’s real. Real or not I have to put my children first, I am struggling now but I keep glimpses of how my life will be without waiting around for him/wondering where he is etc.

yes. I literally did bend over backwards to make it work. It was never to be though.

I’m worried too that I am 34 now although I don’t want anymore children. I feel old

All these thoughts trying to figure out how you were the problem, it’s your brain trying to make sense of the unbearable pain you’re in. It’s almost incomprehensible to us that such enormous pain can come our way without reason, without being deserved, without purpose. There’s a strange comfort in finding a way to blame yourself. It suggests some control, there’s a story to tell yourself and a lesson to learn. It’s hard to believe that he would care so little for the family and put so little effort into preserving the family unit you had, so you try to find an explanation, you must have done something terrible to push him away. These thoughts are not the truth and they won’t help you. This is what has happened. For now there is no use trying to find the explanation. Don’t spend your energy looking for the hidden awfulness inside you, it isn’t there. You’re fine. There is no magical “good enough” quality that makes everyone love you and protects you from other people being shitty. The good news is that people can also be kind and generous and loving. As far as you can, bring your thoughts away from asking why he has been unkind to you and focus instead on all the people who are caring for you through this.

I keep imagining them having sex etc and it’s just torture

Why are you wit this man

I’m not anymore

I think it’s more “why her and not me”.

You said earlier in the thread that you were completely put off wanting sex with him. You didn’t want sex with him. He wanted more intimacy but you couldn’t force yourself to.

Your brain is playing tricks on you xx

I haven't read all the thread OP, but I have read your posts in full, and would like to say that 'he doesn't want to be alone', as that will mean he has to cook his own meals, do his own washing, change his own bed, and generally have to grow up.

He's picked a woman with a child because he thinks he'll be able to move in with her, probably rent free, have sex whenever he wants it, and she'll cook, clean and look after him, as well as looking after his kids, when he gets bored with having to find something to do with them every week, when he'd rather be down the pub, and will generally take over the role that you have played for the whole time he was with you.

You say you are 34 and feel old. I left my first husband at 32, and am now in my 60's. In the intervening years I have lived a whole new life!! I have had a career, I have travelled, I have re-married, and while I am now disabled, I still have a WONDERFUL life, so please don't think that this is the end, it's just the beginning of a new life and a new you, and I promise you that you deserve so much more than he was ever capable of giving you, so whatever you do, don't give up, you life is just beginning!

Think of it as torture for the women too . Yuck

OP you should picture him wakening up in the morning , smiling at her with blood stained mouth, bad breath and the room stinking from
his back side .

34 isn’t old, I met the bloke I’m with now at just turned 39, we have a daughter together and another on the way, stop trying to traumatise yourself thinking of them together and think what a prick he is for doing that instead, why would you want anyone that’s done this to you anyway? Sod him just try and find new things you like to do and keep your mind busy.

It’s quite childish but I always find writing lists of every single fault, no matter how petty - very therapeutic. You can then bin it or keep it and reread as needed.

if you need inspiration to get started this thread is full of them.

I would consider a second list of “ways my life is better without him”

Oh yes! I remember writing A List of Marks Many Faults. It was incredibly satisfying to read when I felt sad.

Eventually I just didn’t need it anymore.

Don’t think I have enough paper 🤣

I really wouldn't waste my precious time or headspace on wondering what they're up to, whether they'll be happy or what's wrong with him. Be succinct. He's no longer the man he used to be and it was that man you wanted.

He's betrayed you and tried to make it out to be your fault, that's a double whammy.

The man he is, isn't good enough for you. That's all you need on the list.