To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

No. The children went out with him yesterday and I found out they was with her again

He's let the children meet her already!

And she's gone along with it???? Wow! You really are better off out of this. They both sound awful. I am sorry you're going through this but I do promise you it will get much better x

Sadly, he’s probably told OW they’re long split up and living together for the sake of the children. They’re working on separation etc etc

Always the same.

Apparently we haven’t been together for years as I didn’t show him any affection. He should have just ended it at that point. He said it has only started recently with this other woman but they are at a point where they meet up every Sunday with my children and I found out he bought them Christmas presents etc.

Ah my love. Have a couple of weeks feeling absolutely awful then crack on with your new- and I promise you it will be- much more enjoyable life.

Just think, no more wondering where he is. No more having the confidence stripped out of you every day wondering why he is picking other things over your family and no more having to wake up to blood stained teeth!

It will get better- but also let yourself work through the feelings of it all. You're a human not a robot. Allow yourself to be upset and work through it all. xxxxxx

He seems to be ok as he obviously checked out years ago. I look like shit and cannot stop crying.

He will be ok- until he starts the exact same behaviour with her- which he will.

And that is totally normal behaviour on your part. You have just had this massive bombshell. To expect yourself to be doing anything different is silly. Ride it through- you will get there. Think of today as the start of your new life and getting your confidence back. It won't be as massive of a change as you think it is right now in the midst of the chaos. It will be wholly positive in the long run x

Remember that he's in the easy early honeymoon stage with her now. They're not living together, just taking nice trips with the kids. That's a whole different thing than having to balance a life with work, housework and the other day to day slog.

My ex moved on quite quickly to a woman with kids. Suddenly my children were describing they were doing all the things he refused to do with me after we had kids - day trips, holidays, cooking, even organising birthday parties. I thought there must be something wrong with me that he had changed so much. Well it didn't last and they broke up. It's unlikely that he's had a sudden longterm personality change.

Is also the lies, he was collecting gift bags on Christmas Day that the kids had their presents in and I asked him why he was doing that. He just said he was sick of buying gift bags but I later found out they were to put presents in for her and her child.

I also asked him how he could move on so quick as he has massively put me off relationships and he said he doesn’t want to be alone.

Words escape me to describe what a massive twat your STBXH is, @Fastforwardayear
Be kind to yourself because it is a massive shock and he is a lying bellend. But you may do better to keep him at arms length from now on as his behaviour will likely get worse. Time to get organised. Have you an appointment to see a solicitor?

i am going to do it when I find the energy. All I want to do is cry at the minute. I have called into work sick I couldn’t even speak to my boss as I was that upset. What does he mean he doesn’t want to be alone?

I think it means he is an emotionally immature selfish man child.

It's totally OK to be upset but over analysing his contradictory statements is probably not going to get you anywhere. Try to get out for a walk today if you can - even though the weather is awful it will help.

@Fastforwardayear What does he mean he doesn’t want to be alone?

He means he likes having a woman around to do all the drudge work. Housework, cooking, cleaning, waiting on him hand and foot, tending to his every whim. It's a very common character trait in men.

I am sorry that you are feeling upset OP - but you really are much better off without a man who has to wait until Christmas morning to get hold of wrappings for gifts he was planning to give to the OW and her family.

It will take time to settle into your new way of life, but you will. Gradually you will notice details and ask yourself 'why did I put up with .......'. Remember that the children will also be happier around a happier you.

Exactly this.

He loved having you look after him and pander to him before children. As soon as you had children, a large percentage of your energy went into looking after children and not him! So that’s when he checked out - poor neglected man not being waited on 24/7 by his stepford wife.

This arrogant man needs a woman to fawn over him and do everything for him. At the moment this new woman is probably fawning over him and in the honeymoon period. He thinks this will last, that he will move in with her and she will be happy to cook, clean, and continue to fawn over him. But I’m sure reality will be very different if she has her own child to look after. I expect he will be in for a harsh reality further down the line when real life kicks in. He will likely trade her in for a younger woman with no children (if anyone will want him!)

I am going for a walk with my mum. There is just no point in trying to understand any of it. I’ll send myself crazy.

I get that but I am not very happy at the minute. Drinking too much wine etc that’s not who I am. Today is the start of a new week and I am going to find better coping mechanisms. I will get through this!

Awww I wish I could hug you. We all cope in different ways. Too much wine is one way. Too much wine accompanied by too much chocolate would probably be my way. There will be a 'new normal'. I hated that term when we first started hearing it, but I think there are times that it does apply.

Thank you

It it helps you feel even a little bit better, in the weeks that followed finding out, I had eyes the size of golf balls from crying and not one, not two, but three cold sores from the stress 🫠

Mumsnet at its best! Thank you all so much

We’re here for you @Fastforwardayear whenever you need a vent or a handhold. Allow yourself to grieve, to come to terms with this big upheaval in your life. It sounds like he’s been doing this for a long time behind your back, whereas this is all new and huge for you. Just be careful with the wine x

Yes. I have recognised I am using it as a crutch and need to do something about it. I just can’t wait to show the kids that I will come back from this.

My darling, you will come back bigger, better, stronger and more fabulous than ever.

Meanwhile your piece of shit, waste of skin husband will be cheating on the OW and making her life hell.