To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

I cannot tell you how many times I have read this post.

I am thinking of moving back to my mum and dads with the kids. Sell me his and get somewhere of my own. Too many memories and he also feels entitled to come in whenever he likes.

As OW is involved for me there would be no going back so this would be my thoughts, not necessarily move back in with my parents as my own space, with the DC of course, would be important to me in the circumstances right now.

I'd definitely start getting organised at home, have a declutter, ask tell STBX as he's made his choice he may as well start moving his stuff out as you feel it's time for you to move on with your own life and get the house ready to sell.

Yes. The kids and I will move to my parents and I can save up and start to rebuild my new life.

Will this be before or after you sell the house?

Before. He can move back into here until the house sells

And would he drag his heels about selling effectively stopping you moving on with your life?

Would he live there rent free and instead pay all the bills that need paying?

Yes rent free just needs to pay all bills

As long as you're happy that he won't get to comfortable living there and he doesn't have the thoughts that it's fine to leave you and his DC living with your parents indefinitely.

Hopefully he won't be as nasty as to let the OW be there to often either.

She will probably move in. He has already shown me the person he is.

So why are you letting him have it all his way? Change the locks and put bin bags with his stuff outside. You don't have to roll over and let him win.

I will benefit massively from going to my parents.

I say this kindly...
If you don't have to move out of your home I definitely wouldn't.

Hopefully to some extent you'll then be in control of when it sells and won't have to listen if STBX makes up excuses to why it can't be sold....classic is he won't have enough funds to buy a place to live.

In all honesty it's difficult to ask someone whose husband has just left them for another woman if they'd be happy to let the OW move into the marital home, living rent free indefinitely....there's a possibility it could happen...while you and your DC live with your DP's

Why would the OW want the unheaval of moving if only temporarily.

Edited to say as just seem your update...

If you think you'll benefit living with your DP's while knowing this could happen then you must do what you feel.

He has already been taking the kids out with her and lying about. Moving her in this house won’t hurt as much as that. I know I am at the point of no return so no matter what he does, it won’t change anything.

I think the point people are trying to make is that legally, you might struggle to sell the house and evict them. Therefore being stuck with a house you have a mortgage on, tenants not paying rent, and no plans to move out. The OW technically could refuse to move out and you’d have to go to court to evict her. It could get very messy.

Vs if you remain living in the property with the children, you have far more control over the pace of the house sale.

OP I know it might seem easier to move out straight away and go to your parents but please seek legal advise before moving out as it could make things harder in the long run regarding selling etc if he gets comfortable etc.

Please get legal advice before you do this

Looking out for you here. It's not about how much any of this hurts, it's about a fair separation and divorce plus division of assets, particularly protecting your children's future.

Before you do or say anything you must obtain proper legal advice from a specialist solicitor.

I would also recommend that you set up a new email address that you keep solely for family and divorce matters. With Gmail you can have everything forwarded to the main email address you use that's easily accessible, that way you won't miss anything, but you will keep a proper trail of everything you need in one place. You can have separate folders for anything to do with the children, solicitors and house sale.

I understand how your gut reaction is to be with family, but I wouldn't move the children from their home just yet and I would listen to how things need to best pan out for you.

Yes you’re right. I will speak to a solicitor first before I do anything.

I had one like this. He was home one night a week and thought he was doing us a huge favour. He also said I could go out so that was his justification. But when I needed to go out (for an interview) he threw a huge strop and walked out. He could see the way things were going.

There was no point to me trying to keep the relationship going. I figured I could be as lonely and broke without him as I was with him.

The trouble is you want him to want to be there and he doesn't want to.

It's nothing to do with them having met up previously, that's now in the past, and everything to do with whether you can sit by and watch him not actually sell the house and them living there long term playing happy families in a home which rightfully is half yours and may be a big chunk of your future assets that you'll possibly/probably need to rebuild a new life for you and your DC in a home of your own.

Unless we sell the house first. Hopefully it will be gone quick

He didn’t want to be home because I didn’t show him any affection. He said all he wanted was sex a few times a week. No way was I forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to and that wasn’t because I didn’t love him, I lost all respect for him as he left everything to me and I was always on my own.

in a weird way I am glad he has met somebody else really quickly as I know I couldn’t go back now, beforehand I was still hoping he would change.

@Fastforwardayear yeah, way to make it all your fault. If you'd have been different, he'd have been different. If you'd 'treated him right' he wouldn't have strayed. How about he was a good husband in the first place.

Look, we can chew over all that until the cows come home. You've found him out on so many levels.

Get the advice, stay in the house and make sure you're in charge of how it looks when it goes up for sale. You know you want to move on and get cracking with a brighter life, you don't know how it might pan out if he stays in the house and even moves another woman in.

I’ve also been speaking to a counsellor today through work which really helped. I think it’s my self esteem that is the problem more than anything.