Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

My mum is also very like this and had very similar feelings when I breastfed ds. However I actually wanted to be covered initially when I was feeding out and about. I didn't expect to but it was trickier than I anticipated as ds had latch issues and I didn't want to feel too exposed while feeding out and about or visiting others. At the same time though, as I got the hang of it I got much more confident and then didn't need the cover any more (I just used a scarf because it was winter anyway). And my mum was like "oh you actually really can't see anything". Because the idea of breastfeeding is often not the same as reality in people's minds! So you just do what works for you and what you feel comfortable with. Unfortunately this will probably be the first in a long line of 'helpful' comments around feeding and parenting you'll face so just let it wash over you.

My fil was very uncomfortable with the idea of bf around him so I did go to a separate room to feed when I was at his house because the way I saw it - its their home their rules. But In my house or in public I did what suited me.

Noone is stopping her from feeding her baby FFS...just balancing others' need by the simple manoeuvre of sitting in a different room.

But your mum isn’t trying to make breast feeding unnatural or shameful- she genuinely has a problem with nudity.

You say covering yourself would be weird but she thinks you sat ( in her eyes) exposed would make her feel weird.

Nobody is right or wrong in this situation but you are already on the defensive by saying that you are ‘ not sure if you want to push back’

Personally for me, I would want to cover up a bit but I also wouldn’t have a problem if someone wanted to sit with their breast right out.

Up to the OP if she wants to do that though. Or not visit at all. 🤷‍♀️

@PregnantAtLast i always felt very uncomfortable around people BF ever since a family member did this around me when I was young, I still got the ick factor when meeting up with post-natal group mums when 1 person was feeding and displaying her boobs very overtly ...that's my issue,of course,not the mums who are doing something perfectly natural.... but its not always a logical reaction and i think you should respect your parents in their own home.

I tried different covers but both my babies absolutely hated having anything put over them (and fair enough) so it made it more stressful. I think just choose your top extra carefully on the days you visit their house, as some really do cover you up well. Just do what feels best at the time.

Covering up isn't a faff and not sure why you'd feel uncomfortable to use a discrete cover or go to another room?

It is a faff, would you like to eat with a towel plonked on your head? And to be blunt - why should she? It implies something shameful to wrong is happening. It isnt

honestly people being squeamish about breasts being used for their primary purpose need to grow the fuck up

Yup I would. It’s nothing to me and it clearly bothers her. Was in the same boat and did for my dad.

Plus I guess I just didn’t want to get my heavily engorged gigantic breastfeeding breast out in front of my dad and FIL - even in my own home.

I would also suggest you may want to think about feeding in public. You may have no problem but then get used to stares and snide comments. Not right at all but it will happen.

Wasn’t a faff for me at all. It wasn’t a towel and it wasn’t on the baby’s head. No worse than a baby being in a sling.

Whats so wrong with using a cover up - saw a lady in the garden centre in the coffee shop literally BF with like a scarf draped over her - not difficult to use? I personally would prefer to cover up in someone else’s home or in public

Absolutely right. But, not until the baby matches and this isn’t always the first time and easy.

Not something I would be compromising on. I'm afraid she'd just have to look elsewhere. You'll have enough going on without having to manage other people's feelings.

My baby wouldn't tolerate a cover and even if they had, I had a fast let down and needed to be alert to the flow being too much for them and them choking. So it was more than 'a faff' for me.

Ok would you like to be covered up while having your lunch? If someone suggested I take out my shawl I’d have passed it to them to cover their face.

I can’t stand people eating with their mouths open. Like it puts me off my dinner, and SO many people do it these days. However I’m grown up enough to know this is a Me Issue and entirely on me to remedy. So I use those neck muscles and turn away. Anyone forcing an actual baby to make these silly sensitivities their problem, rather than the problem of the grown adult, is nothing short of a collosal cunt. Even if it is “their home”

Okay wow. I mean a lot of people do cover their heads with shawls, scarves, hats, head scarves, turbans etc and all manage to eat lunch but that is their choice too so I’m not sure it’s about that.

Chewing with your mouth open is rude and yeah a bit gross as you mentioned it.

I would never call anyone the c word as it pretty disgusting to use that language and to me extreme but as you say maybe that’s a me problem however rude.

I stand by it’s her mothers home and her mum gets to make the rules. They may not be nice and we may not agree but that doesn’t make her an c. And her daughter doesn’t have to be in the house with those rules.

Breastfeeding with a shawl isn’t a faff was the original point and my experience.

Do many children do this to only to eat their lunch in front of squeamish people enforced by someone?

I call misogynists cunts because they are. That includes those who insist breastfeeding women cover up. Seriously what is their problem with breasts? Genuine question

but seeing as we are here and you think it being her home trumps everything - if OP brought a friend over who wore a turban and the mum felt uncomfortable, would you support this person being sent to another room? Her house after all

And breastfeeding with a shawl is a massive faff. It’s hard enough to establish in the first place without having a massive cloth chilled over you because an half wit doesn’t like breastfeeding (an act which is super discreet without a shawl) to be happening whilst their eyes are open

Ugh. I've had family members ask me 'don't you want to cover up?'. No, I really don't. There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about feeding your baby. Also, in the early days, latch can be hard, and I personally needed to see what I was doing without having one extra thing to worry about. Baby also doesn't like being covered, especially now at 6 months old as she likes to look around!

I don't get the thing about 'their home their rules'. If you have an issue with seeing a boob whilst someone breastfeeds, you need to grow the fuck up and stop sexualising breasts and nipples.

If you can cope with men walking around topless in summer, you can damn well cope with a woman's boob feeding a baby. The literal only reason anyone cares is because women's breast tissue is sexualised.

It's such a weird cultural attitude. Many cultures around the world would not bat an eyelid or dream of asking someone to cover up.

Never happened to me. I got a couple of positive comments. Never a negative one or a single stare or glare.

And yes it would be a faff to get a cover out, arrange it, figure out whether to cover then latch or vice versa. And completely unnecessary. The very definition of a faff.

👏🏼 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Well said

It’s been years since I’ve breastfed but I had PND with baby 1 and the cabin fever was intense, if I stayed at home or felt the need to cover up I’d have never left the house and god knows what would have happened to me. With baby no 2 I was fine and gave absolutely no shits and fed everywhere. If people didn’t like it then tough titty (pun intended)

I just wouldn’t be drawn into any chats about it. When the baby is here feed however feels comfortable to you (for me I had breastfeeding bras, ordinary or breastfeeding top and then hoodie or long cardi to stop my sides getting cold!!). If they ask you to change your behaviour you can then decide whether to stop visiting them until you’ve finished breastfeeding or whether to come to a compromise with them. Personally I’d be option A because having a baby is hard enough without feeling like people want to put you in the cupboard under the stairs while you feed them. When my baby was new she fed 5 hours a day! I’d rather be in my own home or at a friend or relatives where I feel welcome than commit to tucking myself away alone for all that time.

I’m glad that was your experience. Unfortunately it wasn’t mine and wasn’t for a lot of women I know. Not all the time and not every time but it happened. Again not a faff at all for me but everyone is different.

I would have felt uncomfortable doing either because in doing so I would be perpetuating the idea I was doing something shameful and should hide away.

You may be only 2 months but it is never too early to stop giving a flying fuck about what other people think. The earlier the better because from now on, the whole world and his wife will have something to say about every parenting decision you make.

What you eat/drink during pregnancy, how you deliver, how you feed the baby, where they sleep, the clothes they wear, there will be unsolicited opinions given on it all. For your own sanity, you mustn't give a monkey's about any of it and simply do what YOU think is best.

I wish you a safe and uneventful gestation!