Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

I second that.

As you needed him to get out anyway even if it was so you could pull the seat forward and get in the back, there was early no way he was letting you in the car at all.

Since when do kids decide where they sit in a car and that they get the comfortable front seat and adults have to slum it in the back? When I was a kid, children sat in the back and adults always got the front seats. It's called respect.
There is generally little leg room in the back either, and you can't talk to your friend from the back seat. Plus in this case it hurts your back.

I didn't see where in your post you said he had suspected ADHD which other posters are saying. But regardless, no I would not have got in a car with a child who was behaving so appallingly to me. I certainly wouldn't be going to see their football match and buying them lunch after such poor behaviour. And you had no choice about going as he wasn't letting you in the car regardless and his mother either wasn't trying to, or tried but couldn't, get through to him.

A friend asking you to tolerate bad behaviour from their kids is one thing. Asking you to tolerate bad behaviour specifically directed at you, such as being refused access to a car, being kicked in the back, or a 10 year old deciding he gets the best seat and you can sit in discomfort in the back, is quite another thing. I'd drive yourself, if you want to go to his matches.

Loads of people say 'could of' instead of 'could have'. It may not be grammatically correct, but it is still clear what OP means. The poster actually pretending that she didn't understand what OP meant is a twat.

Just don't go on such long journeys with them. 45 minutes to watch a pal of 4 years' 10 year old play football?! Madness

I expect most parents with SEN children pick their battles. This is clearly one she isn’t prepared to lose sleep over.

Bad back or not I think you were unreasonable, try to have have more sympathy for someone who has many years of negotiation, both with her child, with schools, with PIP assessors, with general support for her child. Your kids have grown, you have their adult lives to enjoy vicariously, she might never have that luxury.

Should I have got into the car?

"Gotten" isn't a word...

"Should I have got in the car?" would be correct.

Just re read OP, I thought it was the 5 year old with additional needs.

Regardless of emotional regulation etc, a child has to learn that actions have consequences. He wouldn't let you in the car, then you don't go to his match. He kicks you in the back, there are natural consequences such as you don't feel like buying him lunch or going to his next match.

And before everyone jumps on me that I just don't understand how hard it is for the kid or understand ADHD: Yes I do know about ADHD, I raised a kid with ADHD and a lot of ODD behaviour. There are still boundaries.

I'm another. The child isn't diagnosed at this stage, but whatever his challenges, he doesn't behave like this with his dad.
This does sound like a rather unbalanced friendship.

Not really when you live in an area of Australia where everything is well spread out. The roads tend to be better to drive on too, much less traffic and good passing places to let faster traffic past. When I was out there it was nearly a two hour drive to the supermarket (Bunnings). Driving is so much easier and more relaxed than over here.

I agree.
Funny how she's 'prepared to move on' when you'd already agreed to babysit Thursday, when you pay for everything when you're with them...she's taking major advantage and you're letting her.

Serious empathy bypass there!

back pain is really unpleasant and once you've suffered it, you'll do anything not to trigger it again. Seriously, saying the OP is using it as a flimsy excuse is pretty low-down!

Gotten is a perfectly valid word in US and Canadian English and apparently Australian English as well (since the OP says she’s Australian).

It’s the preferred past participle of ‘get’ (used in circumstances where people in the UK would use ‘got’)

Not only that, it used to be used in the UK (and is apparently used by Shakespeare in Richard III).

Nothing like starting the New Year with a nice discussion of linguistic diversion. Happy New Year everyone.

Honestly OP I get that she's a bit overwhelmed, but her text to you was rude and this all seems v one sided as a friendship - you're the one giving and doing everything for her and them, doing all these quite dull activities to give her an extra hand, paying for things, very generous Christmas present, babysitting. Where is the 'flexibility' on her side / what does she contribute in return?

Wow. She is clearly one of those 'permissive parenting' types. She owed you an apology, instead of berating you. That boy is going to grow up knowing he can do whatever he wants and be pandered to an mum will defend him.

To be honest, I genuinely wouldn't bother with her as a friend anymore. The way she treated you was way out of line and wrong, she should have apologised for what happened.

Don't drive yourself anymore, DON'T GO. Drop her from your life, you don't need that drama and disrespect. She is no friend.

What a rude and silly comment. You have obviously never had back problems.
Back seats of cars are at a fixed angle, while front seats can be changed. And having more leg space makes a big difference to people with bad backs as they can change their own angle of sitting.

"Suspected ADHD" isn’t an excuse for a child to behave this badly. The friend should have refused to take him to football if he refused to do as he was told. Being "more tolerant" of his bad behaviour and "cutting him more slack" is not going to do him any favours in the long run. He is just being taught that if he makes enough fuss, for long enough, he will get his own way, and needn’t care about the effects of his behaviour on anyone else. The friend was herself being rude in criticising OP.

The back seat is safest for children, due to bone development. If he’s in the front the seat should be as far back as possible so minimise injury from the airbag in the event it deploys in an accident.

if she’s following this rule, then I bet the OP is bloody ucomfortable! There is generally no lumbar support in the back, the wider seats mean you move around a bit and the straight chassis means you get thrown around too.

if she isn’t following this rule she’s a twat and the 10yo shouldn’t be in the front.

either way OP you’re not unreasonable and regardless of his suspected ND (isn’t this always the answer when a kid is a PITA?); your friend isn’t parenting and is trying to place the blame at your door.

Absolutely this. I would have been in agony within 15 minutes.

With the OP’s updates, I do hope she isn’t being taken advantage of by this friend. The ghosting for not immediately doing what the friend wants is worrying in my view.

ADHD is no excuse for poor behaviour. I wouldn’t ever accept a lift from this friend again. Sounds like her child is running rings round her.

It’s your use of „of“ when it should be „have“ that is grating on the other poster. And gotten which would usually be got into . Should I have got into the car, should I have got out of the car.

Some of these responses have me reeling. I have a child with ASD who is incredibly hard work sometimes, but there is no way he would be sitting in the front when another adult is present. It’s just basic manners and courtesy. Neurodivergent children do need to be parented sensitively but that does not mean that they are not capable of manners or being considerate. Actually, their rigidity can be helpful in this situation - setting something out as a rule (that adults take priority for front seats) should make this problem go away.

your friend was an absolute dick in this situation. Maybe you should drive - car seats are not so hard to move. Or maybe you should distance yourself. You got them a zoo pass? Bloody generous! Friendships are reciprocal and if she’s not interested in your views then sod her!

This sounds like a very unequal "friendship". You are being taken advantage of by the mother and pushed around by the ten year old. I would be taking a big step back, personally.

Yes it is. "Gotten" is used in American English.

Gotten is the original Old English word. 'got' is an American word.

This!!
I am amazed at the responses. It is not entitled to not want to sit in the back when she has back pain. Regardless of possible ND, he manages it with his dad.