Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

Adhd is not an excuse for this behaviour and ppl on this thread are contributing to the misrepresentation/tarnishing of ppl with adhd by suggesting it is. As he is under 14 and there is an unoccupied back seat she's breaking the law anyway. He sits in the back or no football (in fact no car journeys at all) He kicks the seat? No football, etc. She needs to be calm, consistent and in charge. Does she think his teachers will let every kid with adhd dictate where they sit in lessons?? The child is not being supported in managing their (suspected) condition. I agree with op's eventual stance but I'd have got to that point without feeding the child with attention/cajoling/alternatives. I'd have just said straight away Oh dear Mum, maybe I'll be able to come with you next time, hope you have a lovely day, bye. And go back in the house.

ADHD doesn't mean you can behave as badly as you like! My son has ADHD and wouldn't have got away with this. Consistent parenting and boundary setting when they're young is even more important if you don't want to end up with unmanageable teenagers.

I know numerous children with diagnosed ADHD and it’s not an excuse to behave like this!

Travel independently. Pay only for yourself. Those are 2 different issues.
If my being in the car is awkward for anyone, myself or the kid, I'd not do it. I'd just meet them on site.
Paying for all their food etc all the time - your head must button up the back.

Ask the car manufacturer. I don't research this stuff to make the safety recommendations.

To be clear, I am writing from the perspective of an almost entirely ND family. I know how draining it can be to still be working on things that should've been boxed off as basic expectations years ago.

There is still no excuse for expecting a 48 year old woman with a bad back to climb into the backseat of a 3 door car or expect her to sit and endure having that bad back kicked if she did get the front seat.

From the OP, it wasn't one moment of failure. Everytime she gets in the car since the child was allowed to sit in the front 6 months ago this has been an issue that has caused OP physical pain.

There is no wiggle room around hurting other people, it is not acceptable. Interrupting conversations, not remembering please or thank you, voicing observations that may be offensive are all areas where I would appreciate a friend being patient while we continue to work through but I would not expect anyone to be physically hurt with no acknowledgement of it.

OP's 'friend' made the her own day harder by not disciplining her child. OP's 'friend' and her badly raised child are to blame.
As OP said anyway, its a three-door car, so the passenger in the front has to get out for the person to get in the back, so he would have had to move anyway.

“Gotten” is often used on this side, too. Not by me, I must say as I am more a pedant. But I can hear my friends saying it now.

I understand that if you are living in a small town, a NYD children's sports festival is a big draw for sociability and community ties and a necessity in fire season.

For fab football kit, watch my favourite match. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHzz7aQtxbY&pp=ygUUMTk5MiBhZmwgZ3JhbmQgZmluYWw%3D.

Exactly this just back off you don't need to spend so much time with them. Sorry to be blunt

It’s not really the child’s fault for reacting poorly in this situation. Children with ADHD often struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation, transitions etc. Which can make minor changes feel huge. If I had let my son with adhd sit in the front seat and then asked him to move for someone else, he likely would have felt rejected or stressed, because children with ADHD are SO sensitive to perceived fairness and rejection. It’s not that they’re trying to misbehave, their brains just process these situations differently and their reactions can be quite explosive!

Clear expectations are the issue here. If he had been sitting in the back seat from the beginning, he wouldn’t have had to desl with a sudden transition or felt like he was losing something important. It's blindsiding. This is why it’s so important to think waaay ahead and create situations that minimise triggers.

Her decision to let DS sit in the front seat Set up a conflict Waiting to happen. It’s not about blaming the her but more understanding that with children who have ADHD, small decisions can have a HUGE impact.

That said, parenting a child with ADHD is incredibly challenging (I have one and am exhausted alllll the time). It requires a good understanding of their needs (different for every child) and a lot of trial and error to figure out what works (I'm still working it out!). It’s possible your friend isnt there yet, and they might still be learning (or not!) or struggling to cope with the demands of raising a 10yo with ADHD. Probably overwhelmed, exhausted, or actually just in need of more support and guidance (you'd be surprised how many people don't get the right support).

Parenting a neurodivergent child is a journey and it is really important to show compassion and understanding to the child/parent.

So as I said before, I don't think YWBU, but equally think the issue is far more complex than 'he should have moved'.

@PreferMyAnimals they'd need to be considerably taller than 5'7" to drive the car from the back seat, which would negate the issue.

OP's 'friend' still should have apologised to her, not made it worse and berated her. With genuine ASD/ADHD, parents are usually very apologetic and very aware.

Those that aren't genuine I find are pretty shitty people not just a parents, and blame everyone else. If she was any type of parent, she would have apologised, and not blamed the OP. Especially after all the OP has done for her.

If someone was offering me a lift, then I would be more than happy to sit in the back.

I would be more frustrated about her lack of parenting but I’ve worked with ND kids for a long time and I do get why parents let some things slide sometimes, especially if they’ve got other kids or somewhere to be.

However, as you know this is an ongoing issue, I would just have said I will meet you there.

I would have probably told her beforehand that I need to sit in the front and if that’s not possible on the day, then you would take your car instead and follow her to the match.

I definitely wouldn’t fall out over this as you sound like good friends and she does seem to be struggling.
But I would just avoid driving together and I think you’ve handled it really well.

Not being able to pay attention and being hyper does NOT have to equal bad behaviour. ADHD is not responsible for the boy's bad behaviour. Lack of discipline is. Children with ADHD are perfectly capable of being polite and obedient. ADHD doesn't cause them to misbehave.

Thank you for that video, @HardenYourHeart! Fascinating.

You told her in advance that you needed to sit in the front because of your back so if your friend didn't think she could ensure that she should have said so and you could have agreed you would drive yourself. But you know now!

No, but he does have to learn that kicking people has consequences. Even if this happens in a dysregulated state he has hurt someone.

The work to do would be to support the child to recognise stressors, recognise the big feelings and develop coping strategies. If that means missing a football game then he misses the football game.

It is also misrepresenting ADHD.
So often poor behaviour is excused as ADHD.
My son has ADHD and I feel embarrassed to mention it sometimes due to the connotations that children with ADHD are ‘naughty’.
He has impulsive behaviours, has sleep issues, really struggles with following instructions without lots of reminders and find tasks that require that’s of focus and attention too challenging (unless it is something that is interested in - in which case he will hyper focus) but he is NEVER disrespectful to others, never gets into trouble at school and is also super polite, helpful and empathetic.
He is also an avid historian, has a flair for creative writing, is a fantastic singer and performer with a great sense of humour and a fountain of knowledge on many subjects that interest him.
He can be challenging for me with his strops and answering back - but just typical behaviours for his age.
ADHD does not equal poor behaviour and should never be used as an excuse.

The problem is, it often does equal poor behaviour of not parented properly. It sounds like you've done a fantastic job.

"I’m very sorry about how offensive the word gotten appears to be!"

It's not so much the word, 'gotten', which, though I and many others don't like it, is not grammatically incorrect and is increasingly used in recent times.

It was the 'should I of...' which made me laugh, it did again when I just looked at the thread list. 'Should I have...', would have been correct.

Never mind.

I am glad you have sorted things with your friend and, like other posters, I think you are a very good friend.

I also recognise that my son does not represent everyone with ADHD, however, I find it insulting when it is suggested that people with ADHD do not know how to behave.
I am currently awaiting a diagnosis after an assessment last year, I recognise that I have many of the symptoms.

You are an amazingly supportive friend, OP, and she is lucky to know you.

I wouldn’t have clambered in the back in that circumstance either.

Your friend mismanaged it by not insisting her 10yo sit in the back when they first set out from their house. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and parenting children with addiction needs is knackering.

Yes I agree, working in school I have certainly seen this.
However, lots of children misbehave when not shown adequate love and boundaries and the behaviour issues are often palmed off as suspected ‘ADHD’.

Thank you ☺️

I think taking a step back from the friendship is the right thing to do, it does sound very one sided. There's no way I'd be getting up at the crack of dawn to watch a friend's child play football but on the off chance I agreed and was faced with that situation I'd have told my friend it wasn't going to happen and gone back in my house, not jump in the car.

This! This! This!